AIBU to change schools over my husband helping a neighbour?

[Schoolchanging]

Dh had always done school drop off and pick up due to my work hours and over the last 18 months I’d got increasingly irritated by him walking with or giving a lift to a neighbour whose child goes to the same school.

So I decided we would change dc to a different school a little further away and they are due to start there in a couple of weeks.

I didn’t want to spend time on discussions and boundaries and wanted to just eliminate the stress on our relationship. I told him I wasn’t comfortable that I’d asked him to stop and as he wasn’t I was changing schools to which he said ‘fine that’s your choice’. Dc are ok about it as we know people who go to the new school as well.

Neighbour has just spoken to us as we were leaving at the same time and she said to dh ‘back to the usual routine soon then!’ And I said ‘actually no, dc are going to be at a different school so all change for us !’ To which she turned to dh and said ‘why haven’t you told me this already?’ Which I found odd.

You sound abusive

He probably enjoys the ego stroke of the woman marking her territory in his car and fawning all over him.

Absolutely. The drip feed about the “care pack” suggests there may be some validity to OP’s intuition about this woman.

But changing schools is not going to address this problem.

I don't think OP is still reading, but I think I remember her thread from a few months back.
The neighbour was massively over-stepping the boundaries in expecting a lift every day, and being very over friendly with the Dh and standoffish to the OP. Saying things like "I'll speak to your DH" when she wasn't happy with what the OP had told her.
iirc she had also recently split with her own Dh and was struggling a bit as a single mum.
If this is the same OP, she is not necessarily over-reacting. This woman was a red flag trying to insert herself into OP's marriage via this school run.
Many women here know (to their cost) how some women operate - they do go after other women's DHs - flattering to the DH, cosy chats, subtly undermining the wife, applying lip balm in the car etc etc.
Whether it will solve the problem, I don't know - if the DH wants an affair he will find a way. But it has stopped the daily contact dead.

You've changed your child's school because you don't like your husband interacting with a neighbour/ neighbour's children and you'd rather the hassle and upset of changing schools than talking to your husband. This defies logic and sense.

What a misogynistic comment and from what you’ve said there is no inserting into anyone’s marriage,

I don't agree with all the anger and hate you are getting, although, I also I don't agree with moving your children school as the upheaval might be really damaging for them.

However, if you are struggling with perimenopause and this woman has been keeping a 'care package' in your/your husband's car for the short journey to school, I think that's a massive overstep and really weird thing to do, so I can see why this has made you feel paranoid. Perimenopause/ menopause can definitely heighten those feelings.

The key issue here is that your husband has ignored your feelings on this matter. He continued giving lifts and allowed her to keep this 'care package' in your car. You and your partner should be a team. Whilst I don't agree anyone can tell their partner who they can/can't be friends with, I can see why your feelings are hurt. Why is he allowing it?

If nothing else, he could have cut lifts and not let her leave the care package. Your husband, for whatever reason, hasn't tried to respect your feelings and has enabled the woman to cross boundaries. That's the key issue which I do understand why it would make you feel like this.

I think you perhaps need to evaluate what you need from your husband and whether he will engage with you about the issues.

If you genuinely believe this school will be better for your children, then that's one thing but please consider that it could be very upsetting for them and it's not dealing with the actual problem.

My husband used to get fawned over at the school gate for various reasons, there was one woman he helped once with her bike puncture and she would ignore me completely and, in front of me, flirt with him, try to touch his arm, ask him out for coffee etc. He was oblivious and thought she was just being friendly, even when our friends mentioned it. It grated on me but she hadn't done anything 'wrong' so I stood there seething. I did tell him how it made me feel but he thought I was being a bit silly. One day as we were collecting DD from school, she caught sight of him and physically elbowed me out of the way to get to him as I was trying to deal with DD. He saw her behaviour then and why I was upset, it was so bonkers, I still re-live it in my mind sometimes. He was really firm and shut her down from then on and apologised to me profusely. Do you think your husband is the same? Potentially not seeing the issues you are as he sees her as harmless?

Either way, until you deal with the actual problem you're just kicking the can down the road for another time. Changing schools won't help that.

Utterly ridiculous and selfish to change your child's school because you don't like your DH talking to other parents. What on earth do you think it'll achieve, other than to unecessarily disrupt your child's education and friendship groups?
If your DH is fucking around then it's hardly going to stop him, is it?
Give your head a wobble OP!

People are being very harsh to the OP, probably because they’ve not read all her posts.

The ‘care-package’ is so weird! But the main issue is that this woman blanks the OP yet fawns over the husband - that is not on, and is totally breaking both the ‘girl-code’ and all social conventions.

So in the light of all that, and generally, it is probably a good thing that the OP now has her kids at a school where she can be more involved due to its location (near her work) and its wraparound care meaning she can do some school runs.

Obviously the neighbour is still a neighbour and needs to be dealt with. OP, if your husband is a decent man, then he must understand that the way this woman treats you and him so differently shows that she is not a nice person.

Sounds like you are setting yourselves up for life after DH. Seems sensible to me! Lifts every day/care package etc. She's territory marking and your DH is fine with it. Can't see things ending well for your relationship

I'm not sure this is real. If it is, you are being completely unreasonable.

@Schoolchanging

Are you the same poster with all the sister issues? Because this thread is that level of bizarre.

I think PP is implying that you meant cajones, not kahunas, as "lack the kahunas" is not a saying- however you are technically both right, as kahunas is now a widely accepted mis-spelling/mis-speaking of cajones.

OP your solution for this issue is way over the top- if you don't trust your husband, moving your kids schools won't change anything.

My first thought. Any school choice should be around their needs first, practicalities second and certainly not as a form of control over the other parent (no matter how awful their behaviour).

I really hope this is not real. Your poor children.

This neighbour is a problem. But the problem you have is your husband. He knows you are uncomfortable. He should know that her behaviour is off. He should put you first. But what you have done is uprooted the children instead of putting a boundary around your husbands behaviour.

I can see that may be you are thinking ahead and getting them into a school that works better should you separate, but you really need to focus on what you are prepared to tolerate in his behaviour and then take actions accordingly but you need to make decisions that don’t involve using the children. That’s not ok.

PP was absolutely wrong then.
I meant to write the perfectly spelt word in the correct context, kahunas.

Made herself look a bit stupid 🤭

so because you dont like her youve moved your kids scool and she thinks she was still getting a lift

does she have another way to get there-could have at least give her some notice

youre not married to her she is nothin to worry about

Just another indication of avoidant tendencies which won't help in the long term.

At least read the OPs comments. Are you bonkers, thinking the OP has to give notice to a woman who openly flirts with her husband? She owes this cheeky fucker nothing!
Husband should have told the neighbour ages ago to knock it off - instead he's lapped it up and shown himself to be disloyal. The OP is right to set things up so she can manage if her idiot husband doesn't cop on soon.

Oh… so you meant she lacks hawiaiian priests rather than lacks balls. Got it. Silly me. 😂😂😂

Oh dear, keep digging.
He who laughs last laughs the loudest 😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣

That screenshot literally says that it’s a misspelling of cojones. I can’t tell if you’re just trolling me now. 😂😂😂

@unabashedopossum I am laughing at your inability to admit you are wrong.

You are one of those who think it is big and clever to correct other people's grammar or spelling. On this case though, you have done nothing but make yourself look an idiot.
It absolutely does not say it is a misspelling, it says it is the phonetic version and is of Hawaiian origin.

If it makes you feel better to try and belittle people, crack on.
If you have a problem admitting you are wrong, that too is fine.
I can't help but pity people who pull up spelling and grammar, it is a cheap shot.
But it is delicious when they are wrong 😁

“Slang phonetic alteration of cojones”

I’m not sure that I’m the one unable to concede a mistake here.

It’s not a big deal, I just thought it was an amusing malapropism given the mental image that it conjures up of this woman flanked by a couple of Hawaiian priests. I make plenty of errors myself. Sometimes they are also quite funny, more often they are just boring, everyday errors.