AIBU to wait before telling my separated husband I am pregnant?

[WildTurtle]

My husband and I have recently separated. There hasn’t been one huge event, we’ve just become more like housemates than a couple over the last year or so. We’ve been going round in circles about our future and what we both want. I haven’t really told many people that we’ve separated I’ve been quite down recently so been trying to be positive about things.

We’ve been in touch and he’s told me that he’s struggling with the separation too and wants to now go spend a bit of time in America where his family are from, and has been sorting out some work things before and taking some time off work.
We’re still amicable. There’s no hatred or massive falling out and we still care about each other which probably makes the whole thing harder.I found out today that I’m pregnant.Honestly I am completely stunned I did 6 tests. I’d always just assumed I was infertile and I think that caused a bit of a rift in our marriage. We’ve never really used proper contraception and have always just relied on withdrawal and somehow I’ve never become pregnant.We’ve always wanted children but I genuinely thought it probably wasn’t going to happen for us. We sort of came to terms with it never wanted medical help or anything. So seeing the positive test today has completely floored me. I haven’t told anyone. Part of me is excited because this is something we’ve both always wanted. Part of me is absolutely terrified because we’re separated and I have no idea what our relationship will look like by the time the baby arrives.I haven’t told him yet.

I know he needs to know, particularly as he is planning to go to America to see his family but I’ve literally only found out today and I haven’t even worked out how I feel myself.There’s also a part of me wondering whether telling him will completely change everything between us. I don’t want to tell him because I’m hoping we will suddenly work out our issues a baby doesn’t fix things but equally I don’t want him to find out when he’s in the states.
We’ve always talked about having children and I know he’ll probably be shocked too, especially given that we’ve been separated.
I feel like whatever I do is going to have huge consequences. If I tell him straight away am I putting pressure on him? If I wait, am I being completely unreasonable by keeping something this important from him?

AIBU to take a few days or even a month to process this before telling him, or should I tell him straight away. He is British and America his father is British he moved to the uk for university and then just got a job here and stayed here we met at uni almost 15 years ago

I think that you tell him ASAP tbh. And if you were never properly trying for a baby I don’t know why you thought that you were infertile.

I think the first thing you need to do is decide if you want a baby, if you want to be a parent. If you do, then congratulations on your pregnancy and go from there.

The next thing to decide is if you want your marriage to work or end, regardless of the baby. If you don't, then decide what you want and how you see it working before you tell him you're pregnant. Babies aren't band aids for marriages that have already run their course; it's not fair to them and it usually just delays the inevitable. So decide what you honestly think is most likely to work for you and the babies father and be prepared to stand firm if you're done with the marriage.

I do think unfortunately that your thinking process is going to have to be quicker than you'd like because I do think you should tell him before he goes, especially if you think there's a chance he's considering making it permanent.

You keep the baby if YOU want a child, regardless of his decision. You don’t have it to try to keep him in the uk, or be a you believe it will fix the relationship. A child if a lifetime commitment you need to be 100% behind.

You also don’t abort a wanted pregnancy just because the circumstances aren’t perfect, particularly if you wanted children but have doubts about your fertility. You would regret that forever.

If you really haven’t decided what to do then take the time you need to make up your mind. But if you’ve decided to keep the child (which to be honest it sounds like you have) then tell him as soon as possible. It’s not fair to let him do a huge international move without that information.

I think I would tell him, but encourage him to go to see his family as planned. Then you both get time apart to think it through.

Take time to seriously think about what YOU want.
Telling him will take that out of your hands.
Let him go to America if you need that time.

Do you want to raise a child together with him?
Would you re try the marriage because of a baby.
Do you actually want a baby?

You need to think hard about this before you say a word.
Not going ahead with the pregnancy could be huge drama if he knows, wants you to have it and starts telli g family etc.

Be very careful to think about what you want.

What age are you?
Were you hoping for a fresh start now without him?

A pregnancy and baby will make that a lot harder.

Do not tell him.
You can always tell him later but you can’t untell him and you need time to process it yourself.

You need to find out how far along you are and what your options are.
You say you’re separated and so it must have been a while since you last had sex and so perhaps it’s too late to get rid of it.

Telling him before he goes to America may come across like you’re using it as an excuse to keep him.

If it was me, I would encourage him to visit USA and have some space from each other.
I’d then book an appointment and find out how far along you are and if it’s even a viable pregnancy.

If it’s a viable pregnancy and you want to keep it, then I’d contact him and tell him the facts.
It would then be up to him about whether he wants to be involved etc.

I don’t understand you not wanting to tell him when he’s in America - why would it make a difference where he is?

Tell him now!! This could be the making of you both!

A baby is not a relationship plaster

Of course you keep the wee one if you are ready for motherhood, and prepared to potentially do the majority alone if need be. Congratulations.

It’s not but for some couples, it can be a catalyst and wake up call. OP won’t know unless they try, really try.

As you are married, and amicable, I think it would be reprehensible not to let him know ASAP.
He shouldn't be making decisions about his future without this knowledge.
I say that based on the assumption that you are keeping baby.
Congratulations!

If you are going to keep the baby thenin my opinion you need to tell him asap. Your baby needs an engaged father whether his or her parents live together or not

Ok. Sorry then. People can still have sex without having a connection at other points though. A bit like fwb. I think OP means that they had lost their connection and weren't close but still had sex occasionally and obs it only needs once. I just don't think that all relationships are so cut and dried like you're having sex, it must be a relationship.
A good example is where people have affairs and still have sex with their dh/dw where they do that just not to raise suspicion(or they want their cake and eat it of course)
That's how I understood OPs post anyway.