AIBU to wait before telling my separated husband I am pregnant?

[WildTurtle]

My husband and I have recently separated. There hasn’t been one huge event, we’ve just become more like housemates than a couple over the last year or so. We’ve been going round in circles about our future and what we both want. I haven’t really told many people that we’ve separated I’ve been quite down recently so been trying to be positive about things.

We’ve been in touch and he’s told me that he’s struggling with the separation too and wants to now go spend a bit of time in America where his family are from, and has been sorting out some work things before and taking some time off work.
We’re still amicable. There’s no hatred or massive falling out and we still care about each other which probably makes the whole thing harder.I found out today that I’m pregnant.Honestly I am completely stunned I did 6 tests. I’d always just assumed I was infertile and I think that caused a bit of a rift in our marriage. We’ve never really used proper contraception and have always just relied on withdrawal and somehow I’ve never become pregnant.We’ve always wanted children but I genuinely thought it probably wasn’t going to happen for us. We sort of came to terms with it never wanted medical help or anything. So seeing the positive test today has completely floored me. I haven’t told anyone. Part of me is excited because this is something we’ve both always wanted. Part of me is absolutely terrified because we’re separated and I have no idea what our relationship will look like by the time the baby arrives.I haven’t told him yet.

I know he needs to know, particularly as he is planning to go to America to see his family but I’ve literally only found out today and I haven’t even worked out how I feel myself.There’s also a part of me wondering whether telling him will completely change everything between us. I don’t want to tell him because I’m hoping we will suddenly work out our issues a baby doesn’t fix things but equally I don’t want him to find out when he’s in the states.
We’ve always talked about having children and I know he’ll probably be shocked too, especially given that we’ve been separated.
I feel like whatever I do is going to have huge consequences. If I tell him straight away am I putting pressure on him? If I wait, am I being completely unreasonable by keeping something this important from him?

AIBU to take a few days or even a month to process this before telling him, or should I tell him straight away. He is British and America his father is British he moved to the uk for university and then just got a job here and stayed here we met at uni almost 15 years ago

Tell him today, unless you are definitely not continuing, he can then make decisions based on this information.

They can have discussions but it's still her decision. If she has experienced infertility, this may be her one chance to have a child, so she decides.

I agree. You werent just living as housemates if you are now pregnant. Do you both actaully want to separate? It doesn't sound like it is what he wants. What do you want? Have you had marriage counselling?

Why? I highly doubt shes made up her mind about what she wants to do yet, hes not moving to the US tomorrow, whats the urgency?.

If you want the baby I’d tell him asap. If not I don’t see any need. Do you think he’d be a good co parent ? Pay maintenance properly?
can you afford it ? What’s your housing situation? Lots to think about.

of course you need to tell him, he has every right to know. Equally you've obviously not been that distant if you've managed to get pregnant. Who knows, this could be the start of a whole new chapter in your relationship. It's starts though with the discussion with your husband.

Wow. That's a curve ball for you, isn't it?

You will need to tell him, but you can give yourself a couple of days to get your head together.

I sense that you are concerned that your news will bring him back and you had just decided to separate. You are right in saying that a baby alone won't save a relationship, but it will introduce a new dynamic to consider.

Do you want to carry this baby to full term? That is your first decision. Are you going to be a mum? And are you able to be a single mum?

Could you see a future with him, if he did want to come back? Or are you certain you want to separate?

Once you have had chance to think about how you see your future now, you need to tell him so that he too can make choices.

Best of luck

Decide if you can make being a single parent work. Don't do what another poster did, get back together, move to the US, then she had to come home, without the child. Many women have lost access to their children, because they can't permanently settle in the country their ex and child can. You might be doing it completely alone, don't underestimate that. You have to consider what your family support is like. You need time to think about everything.

Remember that at the point you tell him he may ask how long you have known…

best to tell him asap

you may not be able out to fully understand your feelings before him anyway

and it is a child of both of you

tell him

I'm really surprised by the poll results,you found out hours ago, of course you're not unreasonable to take some time.

Get your head straight first, let the initial shock wear off and then tell him - but only if you plan to continue with the pregnancy. Don't say anything if you decide to terminate.

If you tell him now you'll be managing his shock as well as your own. Get your head straight first.

I wouldn't necessarily leave it months, though. Weeks is fine, months may cause more problems. But I think you're just panicking about pressure so as I said, sort your own head out first and tell him then.

I’d go to the doctors/ early scan and get everything confirmed as it allows you some time to process etc and use this as a reason you didn’t tell him instantly.

Yes, it's not like he's going to permanently emigrate tomorrow. I agree months probably isn't practical though. But certainly OPs suggestion of a few days to have a think is sensible!

Congratulations. It sounds like you've wanted children. Just not in these circumstances, of course.

Tell him.

Separately, if not already done, consider relationship/marriage counselling, or if it suits you better talking through with a third party. It helps many with unpicking thoughts and feelings....

You wanted a baby but contracepted by using withdrawal? Then you thought you were infertile but carried on using withdrawal? You've been like housemates but still having sex? Am I the only one who is confused?
Regardless, how many weeks pregnant do you think you are? Do you have regular periods and can work it out? Of course you tell your husband immediately. It's not fair to him that he may make plans to relocate without knowing. If you still care for each other you can share the confusion and, sorry to mention it but it's real, the miscarriage risk at this early stage. (I am assuming you are very unlikely to have discovered beyond the first trimester.)
If your marriage is really over but you are friends and you both want the baby I suggest carrying on as housemates until you are through the very early baby stages as you will need, or at least benefit from, hands-on support. If things have not really changed in your relationship dynamic you can always co-parent from separate households a bit later down the line. Best separate before your child is beyond toddlerhood to make it easier on them to adjust. I know of successful, friendly co-parenting relationships - I hope it works out for you. It's sad your marriage is over but this is not a disaster. This could be the beginning of something very lovely for you both.

how far along are you? If it was me I would get a scan and confirm it’s a viable pregnancy before I tell him

Good idea.

The longer she leaves it the more he will think it’s not his and/or there was someone else in the picture that caused the split

tell him asap.

Does he have US citizenship? It's wrong to allow him to start making big life decisions without knowing the biggest news.
I really think you have to tell him. How do you feel about the pregnancy though? If you are going ahead with the pregnancy( I am assuming based on your comments) then you need to tell him.

They're no longer together, she isn't responsible for that.

Taking some time to let her shock subside is eminently sensible. She's not up against the Countdown clock! She has plenty of time to tell him even before he makes a permanent decision and doesn't need to do so immediately.

She's not asking whether to tell him at all, just if she takes a bit of time first.

There's going to be a whole heap of stuff to sort out and she doesn't need to be managing all that while getting over the shock.

I think the longer you leave it the more likely he will think the baby isn’t his.

he could be making all sorts of plans in regards to America which will change things if you tell him at a much later time about the pregnancy.

Yes you keep it if you want it

Would he make a good father? Would he want to be involved and coparent?

My Situation was different I told him the love of my life and he disappeared having wanted a baby when he happened by accident he just didn’t want it and hasn’t.

If he goes to the states you have to be clear that you are not taking the baby out to see him or letting the baby go for extended periods eg two week under the age of 5 he will have to come to the U.K.

I will get fired for this - but he doesn’t need to know until you have decided what you want. If you decide you don’t want it don’t tell him.

If you decide you want it be prepared he might only want the baby and no coparenting or he might want more - you have to decide what you want.

You both have huge decisions to make, but he needs to know, sooner rather than later. He may be planning to move to USA, this will have a bearing on his plans. Whatever the outcome for your relationship, you both deserve to be able to make informed decisions.

You need to tell him ASAP, especially if you want him back.

As an aside I've never fucked a housemate.

Yes keep it. What wonderful news.

Assuming the baby is his because you've only been separated for a couple of months ( and you have given no reason to suggest it isn't but this might be in his thoughts once he finds out,) .Do tell him when you have passed 12 weeks and face to face not in a text message, and in any event before he goes to visit his family .

Before you tell him get it clear in your mind what outcome you hope for as they may not align with his. Give him time to digest the news. He will have responsibilities in next 7 to 8 months ( assuming you plan to continue the pregnancy,) so he needs to know before he makes decision during his visit not to return.

Good luck I hope it works out for you.