AIBU to wait before telling my separated husband I am pregnant?

[WildTurtle]

My husband and I have recently separated. There hasn’t been one huge event, we’ve just become more like housemates than a couple over the last year or so. We’ve been going round in circles about our future and what we both want. I haven’t really told many people that we’ve separated I’ve been quite down recently so been trying to be positive about things.

We’ve been in touch and he’s told me that he’s struggling with the separation too and wants to now go spend a bit of time in America where his family are from, and has been sorting out some work things before and taking some time off work.
We’re still amicable. There’s no hatred or massive falling out and we still care about each other which probably makes the whole thing harder.I found out today that I’m pregnant.Honestly I am completely stunned I did 6 tests. I’d always just assumed I was infertile and I think that caused a bit of a rift in our marriage. We’ve never really used proper contraception and have always just relied on withdrawal and somehow I’ve never become pregnant.We’ve always wanted children but I genuinely thought it probably wasn’t going to happen for us. We sort of came to terms with it never wanted medical help or anything. So seeing the positive test today has completely floored me. I haven’t told anyone. Part of me is excited because this is something we’ve both always wanted. Part of me is absolutely terrified because we’re separated and I have no idea what our relationship will look like by the time the baby arrives.I haven’t told him yet.

I know he needs to know, particularly as he is planning to go to America to see his family but I’ve literally only found out today and I haven’t even worked out how I feel myself.There’s also a part of me wondering whether telling him will completely change everything between us. I don’t want to tell him because I’m hoping we will suddenly work out our issues a baby doesn’t fix things but equally I don’t want him to find out when he’s in the states.
We’ve always talked about having children and I know he’ll probably be shocked too, especially given that we’ve been separated.
I feel like whatever I do is going to have huge consequences. If I tell him straight away am I putting pressure on him? If I wait, am I being completely unreasonable by keeping something this important from him?

AIBU to take a few days or even a month to process this before telling him, or should I tell him straight away. He is British and America his father is British he moved to the uk for university and then just got a job here and stayed here we met at uni almost 15 years ago

Do I even keep the baby if we are separated
of course this had to happen when I thought I was infertile all this time

Do you want him back? Tell him now if you want him back; he might come back, he might not- but he won’t come back if you keep this from him. If you don’t want him back this is your medical event, you tell him in your own time; legally you don’t need to tell him until birth-to keep things amicable obviously you’ll need to tell him earlier but you can take some time.

Id suggest you decide on whether you want to keep the baby before you speak to him-it’s your decision not his. Don’t allow him to pressure you either way.

How long is he going to be in America and how far along is your pregnancy? I think you need to decide if you want to keep the baby and obviously there is a time limit on this. If you decide to continue with the pregnancy then I think you should tell him as soon as possible, but not necessarily before he goes if he'll be back in a month. Are you concerned he might plan to move back to America?

Your only hope of maintaining a respectful long term relationship is to tell your STBEx of the surprise pregnancy.
You have options and uncertainty before you. He deserves to know and understand the full complexity of your situation.

I would tell him, in person, as soon as possible. I would invite him to a check up before he visits his family. He deserves to know the responsibility of future possibilities.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you.
I wish you a healthy child who has two loving parents. I hope you and your exh find contentment, adventure and joy - together, and if not, apart.

Do you want to get back together? Presumably the relationship has gone wrong for a reason….
personally I think this is likely your only shot at motherhood so think about that and whether you can do this alone before making any decisions… as others have said this is your decision to make so think about what you want to do before telling him … because either way men get to walk away. We have to live with our decisions.
and whatever he says now could change in 9 months, 2 years etc anyway… so take a week to think on this, and arrange for him to come round in a weeks time and tell him it’s important.

Please tell him.

There is the possibility that he will think the baby is not his but reassure him and tell him you can do a dna test later on. That lone would probably reassure him.

I have a feeling he'll be delighted and it could be a new beginning for you both but try not to go overboard, it is early days for a pregnancy.

Tell him!

Do whatever you think is best for the child that should be the answer

Tell him - there is no benefit in keeping it from him now you know in imo.

If you tell him later he will be upset you kept it from him (rightly so) - he is a grown man and can make his own decisions on how he deals with the news and what he does next, but he deserves the chance to be able to make those decisions now the pregnancy is known.

Talk to your family or your friends. Decide what you want. Then talk to him.

Maybe take a few days. How far along are you?

If there's any chance you don't want the baby then you might want to not tell him.

If theres any chance you want to get back together with him then maybe tell him ASAP. Right now he's single, if he shags someone or starts dating and then you tell him and you get back together that would be awkward.

Please tell him quickly. He might make a big move like quit work and move back to the states. Keeping a secret like this is very problematic. If you decide not to keep the baby I supposed that's different, but I wouldn't keep a secret if you're hoping to work things out with your spouse.

I would tell him now and ask to meet up in a few days when you've both had a chance to think about what you want.

I'd then talk it out with a good friend before meeting him.

Ask yourself if you want to work on your relationship? Is it salvageable with counselling? Do you want a baby now, even if dad isn't your partner?

I think it would be good for you both to have some ideas as to what you want before you speak. Whatever you decide, remember he will need time to process the news too.

All the best.

If you definitely want to keep the child then you should let him know and also be clear about what it means about the status of your relationship. It may change his plans radically.

Even if you aren’t together, you may need some help, I was horribly sick during my pregnancy to the point it was debilitating. When the baby arrives having both of you present will be really helpful.

If you are proceeding to motherhood, you need to tell him before he does something drastic like moving to another country. He deserves to have all the information so he doesn’t have complications with living near his child.

That doesn’t mean you can’t take a few days to breathe.

What he wants is irrelevant. If he wants her to keep and she doesn’t? Then she doesn’t keep it. He doesn’t want it but she does? Then she keeps it.

Tell him today! It sounds like you want the baby whether you’re with him or not and regardless it’s important that he knows.

Do you want a child? Decide that first.

If things are as amicable between you and your ex as you say, I would tell him. Whilst it’s your choice, I couldn’t keep something like this from my ex if all that happened was drifting apart/amicable or mutual split? If there was abuse/cheating etc though I may decide differently?

How pregnant are you?

Tell him sooner rather than later because he’s planning a big life change / trip that he may not wish to make, either financially or because he wants to be a good parent or
both if the circumstances were different for him.
The decision not to use contraception was joint, you are married to him still, I think he needs to know

You have 9 months to find a way to fix your relationship or figure out a way to separate amicably and coparent once baby is here

I think you should tell him soon and definitely before he goes to America . he deserves to know

You need to tell him asap imo

I think it’s fine to take a few weeks to figure out what you want before telling him. You don’t have to then tell him you’ve know for ages, it will just give you a chance to get your head round things. How far along are you? I think you need to decide in your own mind whether you want this baby regardless of whether you’re together or not, and also whether you actually want to be with him or feel a bit of relief the the relationship is over. You being pregnant doesn’t mean he has to come back if that’s not what you want.

Well you weren't living together as 'housemates' were you?

You need to tell him.

If he gives up his job, mixes to the states then finds this out and moves back and sounds time looking for work this will cost thousands, and that will deprive baby and you of money too. Or he’ll stay and it will all be on you and CMS probably won’t get to him. If you need the weekend fine, but meet him in the next couple of days.