AIBU to wait before telling my separated husband I am pregnant?

[WildTurtle]

My husband and I have recently separated. There hasn’t been one huge event, we’ve just become more like housemates than a couple over the last year or so. We’ve been going round in circles about our future and what we both want. I haven’t really told many people that we’ve separated I’ve been quite down recently so been trying to be positive about things.

We’ve been in touch and he’s told me that he’s struggling with the separation too and wants to now go spend a bit of time in America where his family are from, and has been sorting out some work things before and taking some time off work.
We’re still amicable. There’s no hatred or massive falling out and we still care about each other which probably makes the whole thing harder.I found out today that I’m pregnant.Honestly I am completely stunned I did 6 tests. I’d always just assumed I was infertile and I think that caused a bit of a rift in our marriage. We’ve never really used proper contraception and have always just relied on withdrawal and somehow I’ve never become pregnant.We’ve always wanted children but I genuinely thought it probably wasn’t going to happen for us. We sort of came to terms with it never wanted medical help or anything. So seeing the positive test today has completely floored me. I haven’t told anyone. Part of me is excited because this is something we’ve both always wanted. Part of me is absolutely terrified because we’re separated and I have no idea what our relationship will look like by the time the baby arrives.I haven’t told him yet.

I know he needs to know, particularly as he is planning to go to America to see his family but I’ve literally only found out today and I haven’t even worked out how I feel myself.There’s also a part of me wondering whether telling him will completely change everything between us. I don’t want to tell him because I’m hoping we will suddenly work out our issues a baby doesn’t fix things but equally I don’t want him to find out when he’s in the states.
We’ve always talked about having children and I know he’ll probably be shocked too, especially given that we’ve been separated.
I feel like whatever I do is going to have huge consequences. If I tell him straight away am I putting pressure on him? If I wait, am I being completely unreasonable by keeping something this important from him?

AIBU to take a few days or even a month to process this before telling him, or should I tell him straight away. He is British and America his father is British he moved to the uk for university and then just got a job here and stayed here we met at uni almost 15 years ago

I’ve never been sleeping with a housemate.

I think it’s okay to take a few days to think about what you say and when you say it.

I don’t want to piss in your cornflakes but there must be a reason why you always thought you’re infertile - and with that comes a risk to the pregnancy so maybe start by having a medical appointment / scan to make sure everything is progressing? Then you can go from there.

If you’re sure you are keeping the baby I would tell him before he goes to the states. You can encourage him to still go and have time to think. You say everything is amicable and you still care for each other so you may find he is a support to you when you are processing this news.

equally you are entitled to wait but I’d be concerned if he has been feeling down and perhaps looking for a change that he may decide to stay with family longer term.

Yes indeed - if you were having sex, that’s not really a dead relationship. But that aside.

The first thing is for you to decide if you want to carry on with this pregnancy. Then you have to tell him right away - arguably either way but certainly if you are continuing. It would be hugely unfair for him to quit his job and move to America thinking he was having a fresh start and then have this surprise later. He has responsibilities and rights too.

Why did you think you were infertile? Were you actually TTC, that takes a massive toll on a relationship. How far along are you?

You should tell him asap. Its his baby and he has a right to know. It will likely influence any decisions he makes over the next few weeks

If you want a respectful ongoing relationship with the father of your child, you tell him asap. He could be making big plans that he may want to change upon hearing this news.

How far along are you?
How long will he be away?
Is there a risk he won't come back and decide to stay once there?

Congratulations OP - a shock but a lovely suprise for you. I think you should tell him ASAP but suggest you take a few days apart (with no contact) so you’ve both got time to process this unexpected news.

You’re right that a baby can’t fix a broken relationship but if the grief of not being able to have children was part of the reason you separated, then this baby could be what you need to bring you back together.

You need to decide if you are keeping asap because if you are, (it sounds like you want to) then you need to tell him as soon as possible so he can decide if he is staying where he is.

Don't be surprised if he doubts that the pregnancy is a, real and b, his child. We've seen enough stories of people announcing convenient pregnancies as a means to control/manipulate and he may have people suggesting that this is what happening.

Be open to a DNA test. This situation isn't ideal to either of you.

Of course what he wants is relevant. If hes going to fuck off to the US, then thats going to have a massive bearing on OPs decision. If OP wants to try again she cant do that if he doesn't want to.

He doesnt get to decide whether OP continues with the pregnancy but its perfectly reasonable to consult the father of your child before making a fairly life changing decision

I would tell him ASAP. It might make him change his plans.

So your marriage has become more like a friendship but you clearly still have sex?

Or have you been seeing someone else since you separated and this isn't his baby?

If you are proceeding to motherhood, you need to tell him before he does something drastic like moving to another country.

not a reason to withhold the baby news, but the other option is that he deliberately makes a move to another country! It's probably worth the OP broaching the subject of how he's going to financially support the upbringing of his child. It will be impossible for him to be pursued for maintenance if he's out of the country.

Are you up for having the baby on your own? If so and you are having this baby no matter what then he is going to become a father. He deserves to know if he is a decent person and your baby deserves a decent shot at having a good relationship with his or her father irrespective of your relationship.

I would tell him now as he is making his plans because it is a factor in his future decisions. He might think of stay in the US otherwise which could have enormous implications for his relationship with his child, your child.

decide whether you want to continue the pregnancy in the scenario of being single.

Then whether you want to resume/continue the relationship. If you do, tell him. If unsure or you don’t, would wait until the second trimester to tell him about the pregnancy, unless he’s indicating that his visit to the US is long term.

Obviously, you have to decide if you’re keeping the baby first, before you tell him. So don’t say anything until you’ve worked that one out.

I was 12 weeks pregnant before I told my partner as I didn’t realise I was pregnant until I was about 10 weeks gone and then I took another 2 weeks to decide how I felt about it. The baby is almost an adult now and partner is my husband and it all worked out perfectly.

If you decide to keep it, tell him asap in case he thinks it’s not his child.

If you were really just housemates then this has potential for quite a bright future for successful, separated, co-parenting. The fact you were still sleeping together makes it a bit murkier but ultimately you still seem to like each other, which is a good start whether you get back together or not. I think you should tell him in the next few days.

The decision whether to keep the baby is yours and yours alone, and nothing he does or says can change that. But him haring off to America or changing life plans while you are sitting on this info would only add needless complexity into an already complex situation.

Of course it's not irrelevant.

He needs to decide if he'd like to continue the relationship.

He may tell her he doesn't want the baby, which may help make her decision.

He may say with a baby on the horizon, let's give this another try.

He may say, ok, if you (don't) keep the baby I'll do x,y,z.

If he doesn't want to keep the baby and OP does, that doesn't stop OP going ahead with what she wants, does it?

OP needs to be informed of all options available before making a life changing decision.

You’re more like housemates but you conceived a child recently enough to not have known until now?

If it’s anyway amicable (you said it is but if it is), then you should tell him, I don’t think anyone could ever forgive this omission especially in your cases (ttc) but after yes you can weigh up the options, single mother (which is fine- you don’t sound like you think it’s an option?) , try again with him or the alternative

Congratulations. You need to tell him. No a baby wont necessarily fix things but it might. Good luck.

His wishes are only relevant if she decides to continue the pregnancy, and / or wishes to resume the relationship.

Housemates, eh?!

Never mind the poor child and their father

Yes tell him OP, he needs to know before he goes as if I was him I'd be feeling theres not much left for me where I am and be seriously considering moving back where my family is. It's only fair to give him the full picture before he goes.

If OP decides to end the pregnancy there won’t be a DC.

If she decided to continue, all goes well with the pregnancy and they remain separated, he will be told in due course and have the opportunity to co parent.