AIBU to wait before telling my separated husband I am pregnant?

[WildTurtle]

My husband and I have recently separated. There hasn’t been one huge event, we’ve just become more like housemates than a couple over the last year or so. We’ve been going round in circles about our future and what we both want. I haven’t really told many people that we’ve separated I’ve been quite down recently so been trying to be positive about things.

We’ve been in touch and he’s told me that he’s struggling with the separation too and wants to now go spend a bit of time in America where his family are from, and has been sorting out some work things before and taking some time off work.
We’re still amicable. There’s no hatred or massive falling out and we still care about each other which probably makes the whole thing harder.I found out today that I’m pregnant.Honestly I am completely stunned I did 6 tests. I’d always just assumed I was infertile and I think that caused a bit of a rift in our marriage. We’ve never really used proper contraception and have always just relied on withdrawal and somehow I’ve never become pregnant.We’ve always wanted children but I genuinely thought it probably wasn’t going to happen for us. We sort of came to terms with it never wanted medical help or anything. So seeing the positive test today has completely floored me. I haven’t told anyone. Part of me is excited because this is something we’ve both always wanted. Part of me is absolutely terrified because we’re separated and I have no idea what our relationship will look like by the time the baby arrives.I haven’t told him yet.

I know he needs to know, particularly as he is planning to go to America to see his family but I’ve literally only found out today and I haven’t even worked out how I feel myself.There’s also a part of me wondering whether telling him will completely change everything between us. I don’t want to tell him because I’m hoping we will suddenly work out our issues a baby doesn’t fix things but equally I don’t want him to find out when he’s in the states.
We’ve always talked about having children and I know he’ll probably be shocked too, especially given that we’ve been separated.
I feel like whatever I do is going to have huge consequences. If I tell him straight away am I putting pressure on him? If I wait, am I being completely unreasonable by keeping something this important from him?

AIBU to take a few days or even a month to process this before telling him, or should I tell him straight away. He is British and America his father is British he moved to the uk for university and then just got a job here and stayed here we met at uni almost 15 years ago

Not helpful. You must know what she means. .

Telling him does not mean you have to get back together, but it is the right thing to do. I wish you luck on the decisions you need to make 💐

That's entirely your decision and I wouldn't consider anyone's opinion on here on that one.We're all strangers to you OP.

I think he should know.

Do you still live together?

How long will he be in the States for?

A baby won’t solve things, it will in fact make things a million times harder!

You either tell him and keep the baby but don’t assume it means you’re getting back together. Just work out how to co parent.

Or you have a termination and tell him this decision or don’t tell him…

Babies aren’t glue.

Decide if you want to keep the pregnancy.

Presumably you broke up for multiple reasons: a baby isn’t going to fix this.

You need to ask him round for a chat and tell him clearly and simply that you are pregnant. You can be clear that you don’t know the repercussions of this and what will happen for you both/separately/together next, but he deserves the same information and time to process that information as you.

I can’t work out how can be housemates but have sex - usually the sex is the first thing to go

guessing early days for you - how preg are you ?

sounds like you both aren’t sure about seperating

yee a couple should never stay together for a child but if there is any love there at all and sounds maybe there is - then you need to tell him and see where things go

the fact you haven’t told people you have split to me means you may want to get back together

He has a right to know. He will make his choices based on the information. It's not right to manipulate the situation by keeping information from him. He is as much the parent of this baby as you are.

Whether or not you keep the baby is, of course, entirely your decision, but even if you chose not to keep it, he still has a right to know, so that he can make fully informed decisions.

Step 1 - consider if you want to keep the baby. If yes, go to step 2. If no, terminate and never say anything. But I wouldn't recommend that really, speaking as a woman who got pregnant with a soon-to-be ex at the age of 42 and have loved every second of raising that complicated child to adulthood alone. But up to you, your wishes, your circumstances.
Step 2 - tell him very soon. You are amicable, he will have the right to parent, this is relevant to significant decisions he may be making right now so on that basis he has a right to know sooner rather than later.
Step 3 - let time work its magic and help you both decide if you want to remain separated and co-parenting, or reconnect as partners, on the basis of this new news. But that's a decision for the future.

I'd give yourself a couple of days to get your head around it but you do need to tell him sooner rather than later. He gets to decide whether he stays or goes. What if he goes to the US and decides to stay because he meets someone else, or finds a new job? Whether or not you get back together is not the point... your child having a father nearby is.

I think it’s ok to wait a week or so to come to terms with it but you do need to tell sooner rather than later.

Spot on.

If you always wanted children don't let being single be the reason you terminate a pregnancy when there's no reason to think you won't be able to coparent together given the amicable separation. Ij would suggest you don't even try and rekindle the relationship either, to ensure it stays amicable (maybe it occurs naturally later on but don't try and force it)

My son's dad and I were separated by the time he was born and I am glad it happened then rather than down the line, DS has never known any different than hanging two loving homes and parents that are friends. He's a very happy kid!

You do need to tell him though.

Well I genuinely don’t? They still liked each other, were still sleeping together, yet have separated because they were “more like housemates”?

Te him now unless you’re not keeping the baby.

It's a joint decision and husband needs to know immediately.
Your marriage can be saved for the benefit of all

A baby inside my body isn't a joint decision. Unless we both agree, I'll go with what is right for me.

It feels very unfair for you to withhold this information from him

I found out I was pregnant after the relationship had ended. I was 33 and had always wanted children, so I continued with the pregnancy. The father remained interested (vaguely) for a little while but then disappeared. I have never for a second regretted continuing with the pregnancy and my daughter is now 33 with four children on her own.
If you have always wanted children, ending the pregnancy would be very difficult.
On a very basic note, congratulations 🙂

You are married, you are amicable, you care about each other and were still having sex. I'm not quite sure why you split up but presumably there was quite a compelling reason. I think you should tell him pretty soon.

I would tell him striaght away, on the basis that you have't worked out how you feel about it yet and you don't expect him to yet either. You will both need time to process this. I wish you all the best.

In Gilead maybe

It's not irrelevant. Out of respect he should be told. Then discussions about the future need to take place. Anything else is abhorrent.

No, doesnt to have any legal right to know actually, nor is it legally just as much his baby before it's been born, currently it is just part of OPs body.

Its perfectly reasonable that you need time to work out how you feel first OP and what you want to do about this. I think I'd want to get my head around it first. How long is he going to visit his parents for?