AIBU to feel my son is unfairly comparing support?

[Appleteeth]

Hi all, first of all I want to make it clear I’m not by any means saying I have been a good mother to my son, or that he doesn’t have every right to resent me for that, I don’t want this to read as woe is me.

Background
I have 2 children they are 41 and 26, I had my first child at 21, he was for the most part raised by my mother, I was completing my nursing degree then doing shift work, I provided for him financially, took him on holiday etc, but I will admit my mother did the vast majority of the day to day care. When he was 11 he wanted to try and live with me and my then partner, he moved in for 6 months but was having problems at school, we then trialled by partner moving out, nothing improved and he insisted he wanted to go back to his grans. So he did, my partner then moved back in.
3 years later my partner and I had our daughter, her father then left and never returned when she was 6 so I raised her alone.

Lately my son has increasingly been talking about the the injustice of his childhood, how DD did more hobbies than him, how the only reason DD now owns a home is because she had more support.

1. There was little in the way of financial disparity, actually I think my son got more money spent on him over all, he had a summer holiday every year, was taken abroad etc.
2. He always had the most fashionable clothes and toys, my mother and I worked extremely hard to ensure this

Yes DD did more hobbies, but my son never actually wanted to as a child, and as a result the last time DD left the country for a family holiday in childhood she was 4, we didn’t do a single holiday between 4 and 11, not even a uk break. DDs birthday and Christmas gifts were often made up of whatever she needed for hobbies that year.

She did go on to go to university being the first in our family to do so, got married and now has children.

She owns a home but I had no involvement in this at all, she and her partner (who had been together since they were 14 saved, and received help from his family, I didn’t have any money to offer).

Now I’m mortgage free but not very high earning as I left nursing for my own health 20 years ago.

I make no difference in the gifts I give to my son’s children and my daughters. I pay for us all to go on holiday once a year (just a uk break).

My son also borrows money every month which he doesn’t always pay back in full but I’ve accepted this.

This afternoon my son came over and he was complaining that his sons didn’t have their proper PE kit and went back to school last week, I told him I don’t have anymore money to give him, he has already had £400 this month and still owes me money from last month.

He then went on a rant that he knows I spent more on my daughter’s children’s school shoes than I did on his sons. This is true but I didn’t do it deliberately, I told them both I could afford £50 per child on school shoes, DD bought her children shoes from start rite so she spent it all, he sent me a link to some shoes which were only £30, I ordered exactly what he sent me.

This then spiralled into me apparently loving my DDs children more than his! This isn’t true at all. I see DDs children a little more as she is in the same town as me and a walk away, I babysit them one day a week for 2 hours and they come over for dinner once a week. I see my son’s children once a week as he brings them over and I try to stop in and see them when I can but it’s a bus away and I’m still working. He also asks me not to come to his ok the weekend so the only option is either the day I already have DDs children or after work. I have offered him babysitting countless times and he always says no he will get his partners mum to do it.

I don’t know what to do?

AIBU to feel I’m not currently doing anything wrong even if in the past I did mess up in having my mum raise him?

Im open to advice!

Brilliant reply! Some of these comments are crazy! They’re replying as though the post says -

I had a baby at 21, who I lost to social services due to my drug addiction. I became knocked up over and over again all resulting in the same outcome. I have never had a qualification or had any sort of career or job as I dropped out of school at 13 to take up said drug addiction and I used to burgle houses and mug the elderly to get by. My now adult son who ended up living with my mother after years of mental torture from being in the system won’t talk to me even though I have tried to apologise despite me giving him fuck all in life, ever!

It will take DD away from you too if you give in to his demands and the posters telling you to prioritise him over your DD should be utterly ashamed of themselves. What’s done is done. No-one can change it, but what you don’t seem to recognise is that your DS is manipulating you. You give him money which he doesn’t pay back - I suspect not because he can’t, but because he sees is as his right because of what happened to him all those years ago, and he knows you feel guilty and won’t push it. And it’s very clear he has no time for his sister and resents the fact that you do - again he feels justified into trying to manipulate you into spending less time with her/her children.

You need to stop this from snowballing any further. Stop giving him money, or at least insist that he pays back what he owes you before giving him any more, and tell him straight you will not be letting your DD down with babysitting to comply with his ridiculous, unnecessary and frankly spiteful rules about when you can see his children and when not. I think both of you would benefit from some counselling, but not together because as much as I’m going to get flamed for saying it, I think there’s an element of abuse in the way he’s treating you.

🤭 haha I like the saying too. I fire it at DH when he annoys me!

What kind of relationship do your son and daughter have with each other? Unless they are close independently of you (and it doesn't sound like it) can't you just stop telling him what you've done or bought for your daughter's children? When you and your son are together, focus on him and his children (and his partner, I guess, if he has one - not sure if he is still with his children's mother) and don't bring other people into it. His telling you to spend less time with your daughter and her family is immature and unfair and it won't help solve his basic issue. And I definitely would not stop babysitting your daughter's children if that's what's enabling her to work, unless there's a very specific reason why your son and the children's mother can't care for them at that exact same specific time - in that case I'd maybe explore whether your daughter could make other arrangements but don't just stop. Both you and your son should be focusing on improving the situation between you and not trying to deteriorate your relationship with your daughter. If he genuinely needs money then I'd ask him to lay out his current financial system (involve his partner in this too if they share finances) and see if there's a way you can help him/them get stabilised, rather than giving him dribs and drabs that seem to get frittered away but still add up to more than you can afford.

@ThreadGuardDog no 🔥 here, I agree with you and that’s why I fear for OP. This man is an abuser even if his behaviour is limited to OP.

As he's still acting like this at 41, it sounds like he's decided to make you the author of all his woes forever, with the infinite opportunities for vituperation and blackmail that gives him.

Not good for either of you.

I haven't read all the thread, but I would suggest stepping back OP, while making it clear the doors are always open but things can't carry on the way they are. The burden he is expecting you to carry for all his failures (which I'm sure he constantly reminds you of, and anyone else who'll listen) is ridiculous.

You weren't a bad mother. He was and is loved by you, his DC are loved by you, and you show it in every possible way. You have spent a lifetime apologising and atoning for having your DM look after him (not for selfish reasons, but because you were trying to get some financial stability for the family). You can't do any more.

You do sound stuck in wearily accepting his spiteful, monstrous behaviour. Though I can understand you might be fearful of what he might do, if you do withdraw from him emotionally. But something needs to change.

No, it’s about his urge to punish, emotionally blackmail and manipulate his mother for what he views as a terrible childhood. It actually wasn’t. He was loved and cared for and OP did her best. What’s done is done and you can’t change the past. I think he needs therapy to sort this out.

Please don’t tell your daughter you won’t look after her children. Your son sounds like an arrogant man child who clearly is only interested in a relationship with you for money. I am SO shocked by all of the comments here. Yes it sounds like he had a hard upbringing but the way he is so vile to your daughter and her children, I would never ever let him win by taking you away from them. I’m sorry you are going through this and sorry for all the messages you are getting judging you.

Not read the full thread..but bloomin eck. He's 41 year old man /father now and still going to his mum for hand outs and acting like a surly teenager. Yes his childhood wasn't perfect. You did the best you could with what you had.
He's just trying to exploit you and push you around OP. Id draw some serious boundaries around how he treats you.

I think you need to get together with him and go for some therapy or counselling. Bring out, work through and heal some these upseting feelings on both sides.

On the plus side. At least you studied to be a nurse, worked hard and provided for him financially over the years.

Rather than not work and let the Welfare State keep you both.

Good Luck
🤞

The last thing OP should be doing is going to counselling with DS. He’s abusive and no counsellor worth their salt would agree to abuser and victim being counselled together - the scope for manipulation and further damage is enormous. Counselling yes - but separately.

Everything in your post seeks to justify how you treated your daughter very differently.
He is right to be pissed off.
She got this BUT ds got holidays
she got this BUT ds had fashionable clothes.

For what it’s worth, I had my two children before the age of 21. Neither lived with my mother.

Were your circumstances the same as OP’s ? We all do the best we can with what we have at the time. Would you have thought better of OP if she had simply lived off benefits so she could be with DS more ?

I think he more than anything wants you say, you’re absolutely right son, I fucked up and should have prioritised you over the new partner. No excuses or explanations just that. And maybe say I can’t change that but I’m happy to give you a maximum of whatever money you can give him as a gift, or you offer to pay for him to have 12 months of therapy to deal with these issues.

He is 41 years old and incapable of surviving a month without handouts something went wrong but im not sure its entirely your fault at 41 he has choices he is choosing this drama and immaturity

Don't push your daughter away it wont help anything

Please tell me why I would think that? When I and my children’s dad worked throughout.
ill wait 😊

He’s emotionally blackmailing you and the way he’s treating your mother sounds like financial/elder abuse. It needs to stop now.

Sit him down, tell him you’re sorry he feels the way he does about his childhood. Offer to talk it through, answer any questions.

Then be clear that the past cannot be healed with money and you’re going to stop giving him and your DD any money and simply stick to equal gifts for Christmas and birthdays. Make sure you mother stops the handouts, too. They both need to stand on their own two feet for a year at least to break this nasty cycle.

Agreed.

So you were married, so actually not the same situation as OP - she was a single mum doing a nursing degree and working long shifts, and she didn’t have a partner to help out - hence the help from her mother. DS lived with his gran who treated him well and OP was around. Not saying it’s ideal but it absolutely doesn’t give him the right to abuse his mum and gran the way he’s doing now.

As a child whose younger siblings seemed to have it better. You know what I really want…acknowledgment and an apology from my parents.

I want them to sit down and really say I’m sorry, I hold my hands up I messed up. We can see you were treated differently and if we had the time again we would do it differently. I’m so sorry for all the pain and hurt it cause you.

I don’t want money or more attention I want an apology and then I could maybe move forward.

Seriously ? He’s a manipulative and spiteful man, abusive to his mother and grandmother - not to mention financially abusing them - and is clearly out to ruin OP’s relationship with her DD. She doesn’t need to do any of the things you suggested - he needs to grow up and recognise that he wasn’t abandoned, he wasn’t put into care, he was loved and cared for by his gran and his mum did the best she could with what she had at the time.

But that’s not what OP’s DS wants - clearly the money and manipulating OP is his priority.

I agree. Abusive behaviour.

What do you mean "entirely" her fault?
OP - don't listen to stuff like this.

Trauma can cause addiction