AIBU to feel uneasy about mothers leaving successful careers?

[Toodledootwo]

All my friends are quitting their successful career jobs after having children. They all seem to be throwing their hands in the air saying what’s the point. Is there a revolt happening against women working? It seems we were encouraged to get to work and be independent….but when becoming a mother….still be that mother, still be that provider till burn out?

Feminism is about choice surely.
But I would only do it if I had a large cushion of personal savings.
Losing financial independence is always a bad plan.

I am glad I was able to work part time and flexibly around the children. I loved my job and this felt and still feels like such a privilege

Even though me and dh work full time we manage to see plays, sports days etc as we juggle and can wfh. I didn’t have a particularly flexible job at the time and still got to a Mother’s Day tea or two at nursery. What you can’t do is do all the dc things and work - you need your children’s father to flex as well for the dc and you need to accept there will be the odd event that you cannot get to and that is ok - adults aren’t in therapy because their lovely Mum missed the Year 3 Easter Parade.

I left my 100k job after having my first child. I honestly couldn’t see a path for me to ‘have it all’. Would have required a full time nanny and after having my child the thought of corporate jargon and office politics made me feel depressed. I loved my job and I had the best time travelling the world and being an awesome boss. But life has different seasons and I am happy with my choice. I have a part time role in a secondary school and spend a lot of time including all holidays with my kids. When they are older I fully anticipate another ‘season of life’ - I actually would love to work in career counselling helping women get back into work following career breaks

I have worked alongside young women, middle range earners on £50,000 to £70,000. They tried to do both jobs, i e, their paid job and motherhood and struggled to do both well. Something had to give and it was, in most cases, their health, mental and physical. This was in the law where long hours are expected of you. They were exhausted juggling both but needed to stay working, not just for the money, which was important, but to keep their feet on the career ladder. You can have it all but it comes at a cost.

I think people forget mum though. Her children will be fine and people always point that out, but mum's and dads have feelings too and maybe mum or dad is gutted that they didnt get to see the Easter parade. Its quite nice seeing your child happy and doing fun things.

We all have children for different reasons and hopefully enjoy different elements of parenting. Some people idea of hell is going to toddler group. I worked part time and really enjoyed toddler group. My child woukd have bern fine either way but I got value out if it and I count too.

Irritatingly the Sure Start Centre ran Dads club on a Saturday so men could enjoy the experience without interrupting work. They also got bacon buttie whereas I got a biscuit (im showing my age with sure start!).

Oh yes, feminism is absolutely all about choice…

… as long as you make the choices they approve of.

Agree with all of this.

I am sorry to have offended you. I had the very clear image of parents with all financial possibilities to prioritise their children but who just prefer to work because they are basically not interested in them. I have seen people like this and just thought why even bother then when you don't even want to spend time with them. Obviously this does not apply to you and I'm sorry that you thought I meant someone in your situation - I really did not. And you should absolutely not feel guilty for providing for your children- they feel if they are loved and they understand that parents need to work.

The number of posters on this thread who have specifically claimed to be feminists while being disparaging about a woman making a different choice is actually staggering.

Struggling with the no bond thing - that's so sad..

YANBU. Anyone who has ever watched a women crash and burn when her marriage ends, with no career to pick herself up with, would never take this risk.

I lived this with my mother. Didn't do it myself and when my marriage ended, other than a rocky first couple of years, me and my children were fine. Own home, bills paid, no financial issues.

Yes, children are primary importance. But their life can be shit if you get divorced and get screwed financially. I know money isn't everything, but losing their home, living in private rented accomodation, not having enough money for uniforms, school trips, bills or even for quality food, is horrible.

A working mum is working for her children not just for some status-driven career ideal.

Yup. A man who is detached from his children for the first years of their lives isn't a man I'd pin my whole life/children's life security on.

And I think you should leave families to make the decisions that suit them best. There isn’t a right or wrong answer and to suggest that certain careers should be left to those without young children is ridiculous.
Your post is full of assumptions and judgement.

We need to make returning to work after a gap easier. Some careers are brilliant at offering refresher training but most are shit and women are on their own.

Nobody has ever said in the whole time I’ve been a parent that their children’s father was gutted to miss the Easter parade 😁

I’ve missed some events my dc were in, sometimes because of work, sometimes because of other commitments - you can’t plan your whole life around when a school or nursery or playgroup might do a mummy and me tea or whatever. It’s not worth tying ourselves in knots over or giving up financial comfort or independence over imho.

Whereas I know many women (including myself) who are working in jobs paying this sort of salary and we’re thriving and so are our kids.
There are a number of factors which contribute which is why we shouldn’t make sweeping generalisations.

What works for one family won’t work for others. The negative framing of the narrative that you can have it all ‘but at a cost’ isn’t helpful. Having it all means something different to different people.

I've never been in a position to leave a job through choice. I've always either been single, or been the breadwinner, as my partner of 14 years has an autoimmune condition and couldn't work for 10 years.

If I'm totally honest, it has been frustrating being the only breadwinner (he's gone back to work recently) as it's constricted me and left me unable to take any sort of risks, do a course, find a new career path, etc. Just literally had to keep working and paying all the bills and mortgage.

I went part-time 3/5, even though it would have made more financial sense for DH to have done (I made more money PT than he did FT).

It was the best of both worlds in that I was at work more than half the working week, and with my kids more than half the calendar week. I kept my career and the kids thrived at nursery, and it gave them a break from just being with me all the time. DS was very shy, and it definitely helped his confidence.

It was kind of also the worst of both worlds, as I felt guilt at the office for not being able to give my all, and guilt at home for the same reason. (I don’t think working dads ever feel either of those guilts!) It did also stall my career, but that was partly my choice as I never went back to FT again.

Overall though - absolutely no regrets.

People already do what they want, I do, you are too. People are different, and have different opinions. I often wonder how many people check in with their children about what they think, as they are the ones who have no real choice. I regularly ask my children for constructive feedback, and act on it.

Yeh it’s “all about choice “ yet no one is talking about the choices men make when it comes to their careers vs raising kids

Has it never occurred to you that many women don’t have a choice?

My daughter was in childcare like this because I couldn’t have worked otherwise. I have been able to put food on the table and keep a roof over her head by using childcare.

Do you actually think its “beyond grim” for a woman with no alternative options to be able to support herself and her children or have you just led a very sheltered life? There are outcomes in life for children which are far more “beyond grim”, trust me. A lifetime of poverty for example.

I agree op it's worrying esp as everything has changed with unwritten rules between the sexes and financial rules since even our parents generation.
It was very common for one wage to cover all expenses needed ( my grandma raised 7 on grandpa's lean wages that she took charge of ) and the woman to care for the children .

All that has changed now

However what's in the middle between equality ,the pill ,generally less financial security and both partners working are the kids

I do find in these discussions that they get missed. What's actually best for them ?
Nursery ,working nursery used to be viewed as a last desperate back stop only uses when parents were desperste because who wants a 6 month old in a nursery ? And who would choose any small child to be jn an institution from very early morning to late at night most nights of the week ?

Through culture changes and need it's turned form a desperste back stop into an accepted little thought about option that's totally accepted.

It's very rare for mums to take any time out and instead it's very common and more the norm to use nurseries.

It's sort of become something that people won't actually think about much and there is an assumption they are all very professional and well run which I know some are.

But when we have had threads on here from current nursery workers or those behind the scenes there is a vitriolic responses as though it's touched a big nerve.

Nursery work is hard and gruelling and we only need to think how we struggle with our own tiny children to think we love them but lowly paid over worked youngsters are stuck with them all day ,day in and day out.

I know that we would never really know how good they are without literally working in one or knowing someone that does.

Even in our school nursery which was run on the school year and started from rising 3 had one bad apple who set mine and someone else's DC back and was rubbish and there was a big safe guarding issue also .

I think you must have a very narrow circle then, when we both worked my DH made the choice to change his hours to do every drop off, some friend’s husband made the choice to drop to 4 days to juggle childcare and costs, some fathers made the choice to chose their job role based on limiting travel once they had children, one timed his retraining so he could be the one available in the early years, some took extended paternity, one became a SAHP due to the nature if their partner’s role.
Most of this conversation right now is women talking about their life and by nature women are the mothers in this scenario.

I earn in the middle of this range working part time for a local authority, early 30s with three children.

I could earn more in the private sector but pivoting to a flexible job that fits my life and children rather than the other way around has allowed me to keep a pretty good pension building, be around for my children and still progress in my career so that once they are older I can chose to step up again. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

I scaled my career right back when I had the dds. However DH was made redundant with very few options of a new job when they were 2 and 4. I had enough of a foot in the door to ramp up again and have been the main breadwinner ever since. This doesn’t mean I don’t think my role as a mother is less important. In the coming years redundancies are going to increase in coming years with AI etc. and i would recommend women be very cautious about relying on one salary personally.