To ask if you’d be allowed to do this?

[Lighterthansprite]

I rarely ever have a night away - just for context. The last one was about 2 years ago and I can’t remember the time before that. DH has never liked it much (he has had nights away, including several nights abroad with friends for stags / birthdays etc)

Unfortunately it has happened that I have an agreed night away coming up shortly, which has been planned for ages to see a concert, but another close friend has now asked me if I am able to go with her for a spa night the weekend before as the person she originally planned to go with can’t make it.

So I’d be away two weekends - one after the other. I haven’t even asked yet… I don’t know if it’s unreasonable to do so? Two children - nearly 18 and 12.

Would your DH / partner allow you to go?

He doesn’t like it if he hears me laughing with friends on the phone as he says I sound happier with them than him.
I wonder why that might be 🤔Maybe your friends don't control you, or sulk when you 'defy' them?

The word 'allowed' doesn't even compute with me in this context, because I'm not a child or my DP's employee.
He can't allow or not allow you to do things. And sulking if you do is controlling and manipulative, as well as babyish, obviously.

I’m sure you do sound happier without him….

He sounds like a self obsessed, controlling fun sponge.

He
Does
Not
Control
You

Well I imagine you are.

There's controlling and then there's this level. This is abusive behaviour. he's allowed friends but how DARE you like anyone else??

Prison wouldn't be as restrictive. Tell him you are going and if he kicks off, go anyway and make plans to leave this charmer. He is absolutely controlling and abusive, and you are beginning to see this, which is a great start.

How much longer are you going to put up with this OP ?

That won't get better on its own. You need to go out and he needs to get used to it.

My ex would have created such a hostile atmosphere that I wouldn't have gone because he would have made sure it was too stressful.

My husband packs my bag, makes sure I have travel snacks and asks what I want ready for dinner when I get home and if I need any lifts.

My ex was coercive controlling and made me think all sorts about how he needed, all bollocks

I'm not going to make you feel bad or put you down for asking the question, but the fact that you feel the need to ask whether your allowed like others have raised is quite alarming, and I say this genuinely and empathetically- this is abusive behaviour (emotional, isolating) , and that's without any other information of what else is going on. He is emotionally abusing you, I'm so sorry, please, please seek help- are you safe?

Urgh. I would not want to be retired with this man. He sounds controlling and claustrophobic.

The 18yo is an adult. The 12yo needs little practical care, and doesn't need constant supervision. One parent being away for a weekend is not a big issue.

In healthy relationships couples consult with each other to avoid clashes, but they don't "allow" or sulk when the other has had a rare trip away.

So many red flags? Your children are older now so I would LTB he sounds controlling

Allowed? As in what can he/ will he do to stop you?

One of your children is also an adult so if your DH also has plans then they can watch the 12 yo over night surely? And the 12yo will be fine during the day if DH also has plans.

You are a victim of abuse.
How are your children treated by him?

Sorry but what do you mean “would you be allowed to do this?” Do you have to ask your husbands permission to do anything? He doesn’t own you. Out of courtesy I would check there’s no prior arrangements that clash but would never have to ask permission. Why is ok for him but not you? Red flags here OP, what else does he dictate?

Allow me to? I’d check dates didn’t clash with anything , but I wouldn’t be asking permission.

I mean 18 and 12 you could just leave them alone?

Do you have plans to leave him, OP? Because that sounds to me like a very good idea.

Yes go for it. YOLO as they used to say

Go.

Prepare your children (not that one of them is even still a child), tell your DH that you're going and ignore the sulk. Ignore the pouty lip and the whining. He's training you not to ever go out by making you feel guilty, if you don't react then he's lost that power.

But go. Do not let him think he can have any effect on what you do or don't do.

What on earth do you need his permission and why are going along with this?

What the hell have I just read?!

Does he ask for permission to go on a stag weekend? Is he the father of both your DC? They are not going to need much looking after. Him vetoing you going away overnight with a friend is not healthy or right.

Haven't RTFT so apologies, everyone has probably said this about 900 million times already. but

He doesn’t like it if he hears me laughing with friends on the phone as he says I sound happier with them than him

Well, wouldn't anyone? He has every reason to worry. He sounds like a pain in the arse. More specifically, an insecure arsehole who is trying to control you. Not good, OP, sorry. I wish you weren't married to him. But these mistakes are reversible, thankfully.

Oh OP. I think the spa weekend is the least of your worries

No-one should "allow" you to do anything.

I wouldn't ask permission at any age.

Who the fuck is asking their partners permission to go anywhere?

Let's hope not! I hope poor OP gets some glimmers of freedom.