To ask if you’d be allowed to do this?

[Lighterthansprite]

I rarely ever have a night away - just for context. The last one was about 2 years ago and I can’t remember the time before that. DH has never liked it much (he has had nights away, including several nights abroad with friends for stags / birthdays etc)

Unfortunately it has happened that I have an agreed night away coming up shortly, which has been planned for ages to see a concert, but another close friend has now asked me if I am able to go with her for a spa night the weekend before as the person she originally planned to go with can’t make it.

So I’d be away two weekends - one after the other. I haven’t even asked yet… I don’t know if it’s unreasonable to do so? Two children - nearly 18 and 12.

Would your DH / partner allow you to go?

The beauty of being single is im allowed to do whatever I decide I want to.

The beauty of being in a relationship with a man who (for his faults) was not controlling, was that I was allowed to go wherever and whenever I wanted to.

A weekend sat in my pants watching films with the kids and eating trifle for tea sounds amazing. I encourage her to go often!!

It might be a bit unfair to go away 2 weekends in a row if you had toddlers but 12 and 18 yo's don't really need looking after, they just someone to call on in an emergency. Go and enjoy both weekends.

You lost me at “allowed”. I am an adult with a mortgage , kids and a responsible job so I don’t need to ask permission. Anymore than I would expect DH to ask for mine. A discussion about convenience and other arranged plans would happen then I/he goes? Given he goes away but “doesn’t like it much” when you do, I think you have a problem.

He doesn't own you. Ask the 18 yo to be available for the 12 yo if needed and TELL your DH you are going.

He's a controlling, abusive wanker.

But then, you know that.

My DH doesn't get to "allow" me to do anything.

my DH would miss me if I was away , but I would ‘t need to ask permission - I’m a grown up .

So if I understand correctly it’s ok for your DH to go away with friends be it for a stag weekend , golf or get together but not ok for you ?

if you had a baby or a toddler but the youngest is 12 .

You definitely have a DH issue

Allowed, indeed. Your husband is a horrible, controlling prick, sorry op. I’d tell my husband I was going, he’d say something like ‘oh that sounds fun, you’ll have a great time!’ and wave me off with a smile… and my children are 4 and 1, not nearly an adult and a twelve year old, so much more dependent on me.

It’s very worrying that your partner has the power to “allow” you or not. That he can say no to you doing things, and that you obey him.

This kind of control of one adult over another (I notice it doesn’t cut both ways and he goes away as often as he likes) is a form of abuse.

You need to know this isn’t normal in relationships in the UK in 2026. It’s not that other women’s husbands/partners would “allow” us to go away two weekends running, it’s that they wouldn’t dream of thinking it’s their decision. Unless, of course, they’re abusive, controlling men.

Why do you think he’s entitled to have this power over you, and to forbid you from doing things? Who made him your boss?

You need to firmly tell him you are going and sorry it's 2 weekends in a row but you don't go out much, if he really doesn't understand that healthy relationships need time apart then you are going to have to get couples counseling.

"Allowed"??? Does he ask your "permission" to go and enjoy himself with his friends? I put money on not.

You do NOT need permission. Let him sulk. What other control does he want over you? If your child came to you and asked whether granting permission was normal or required in a loving relationship - what would be your response?

I find it hard to believe you've got to kids of 18 and 12 without wondering if his behaviour was off. Does he stop you accessing the media too?

But he has weekends away without you?

Have you not discussed this unfair expectation?

I think my husband would be sad, he often turns down nights out/time away in favour of spending the weekend with me, but with kids that age, I wouldn't feel the need to ask so he wouldn't get chance to say no 😅 I wouldn't feel guilty at all if he was the type to regularly have nights away.

Go and have fun, OP. Arrange something nice with him before or afterwards.

Your marriage is completely fucked up. The only thing I would do is check there is nothing already in the shared family calendar and I'd enough money, then I'd go ahead and book.

Allowed is a very telling word. I don’t have to ask my husband for permission to do anything btw and that works both ways. Most we do is check the other is available in relation to childcare.

Does he spend all his free time with you?

"Allow"? Have we timewarped back to the Victorian era?

I agree with this poster. Same in my house. Common courtesy to check in with each other first and not to take the piss with the cost or regularity but absolutely no need to ask for permission from either party.

The fact your youngest is secondary school age and eldest is an adult and you barely go away without him yet he regularly goes away with his mates makes the fact it’s two weekends on the trot you’d be gone almost irrelevant personally. Don’t let him clip your wings or wear you down when clearly he can perk up to maintain his active social life.

Allow??

I just read this to DH and he laughed. Because, allow??? And the kids are secondary school age. And it's only two weekends. And he goes away. And ALLOW???

Oh FGS I was ready to say yabu then I saw the age of the children. He doesn't get to say no, just inform him you're doing it. The kids are old enough to look after themselves so there's not a childcare question.

He thinks you should want to spent all your free time and be happier with him, while also going off on stag dos and the likes sometimes for several days at a time. I'm guessing his reasoning is that it's different for men...

My DH would be thrilled for me. The only questions would be checking if there was anything more important in the calendar with the kids and things that are disability related to ensure all accessibility and health needs are met.

He sounds awful and is slowing trying to isolate you from people.

What his justification for going away with his friends? By his standards he should want to spend the time with you not away with friends.

There is so much to unpick in your few posts.

If my dh made a comment about sounding happier with my friends, I'd reply along the lines of well yes they've given me something to laugh about etc.etc, however I suspect you don't feel able to to respond in that way.

Have you ever thought about leaving the abusive relationship you’re in?

So people are right to be concerned about your use of the term “allowed”

This is very serious.