To ask if you’d be allowed to do this?

[Lighterthansprite]

I rarely ever have a night away - just for context. The last one was about 2 years ago and I can’t remember the time before that. DH has never liked it much (he has had nights away, including several nights abroad with friends for stags / birthdays etc)

Unfortunately it has happened that I have an agreed night away coming up shortly, which has been planned for ages to see a concert, but another close friend has now asked me if I am able to go with her for a spa night the weekend before as the person she originally planned to go with can’t make it.

So I’d be away two weekends - one after the other. I haven’t even asked yet… I don’t know if it’s unreasonable to do so? Two children - nearly 18 and 12.

Would your DH / partner allow you to go?

Look after the children?

They're 12 and 18. They could easily be left on their own without the man baby.

You sound a pathetic

If my DH tried to tell me I wasn’t allowed to do something, he’d be out on his ear.

Mutually agreeing whether or not an arrangement is convenient for the family is absolutely fair enough, but no partner should need permission from the other to do anything.

We run things past each other to check there are no clashes etc. but being allowed to do something (or not) would never cross my mind or his.

I hope you're okay OP, your husband sounds very controlling.

Sorry U do not ask permission u just tell him !
By not going you are only allowing this behaviour he is insecure that's a him problem not yours !
You have one life and life is short go and enjoy yourself and let him sulk bloody baby 🍼 x

Allow? Ummm he doesn't own me. I'd probably not go away two weeks in a row as I would be so out of kilter but if needs must, I would

This behaviour is controlling, OP.

He is blackmailing you with his sulking and manipulating you with his moods.

We would do a diary check, no question of ‘allowing’

Be assertive and direct. Tell him it is no more neglectful of your marriage for you to spend time with friends than it is when he goes away.

Tell him how many times he has been away, tell him marriage is teamwork and mutual respect and you expect the same degree of teamwork in looking after your younger child as he has enjoyed when you go away, and that you expect him to respect your need for other friends as you have for his.

And for the absence of doubt say you will not be stopped by his sulking. And that if he chooses to sulk and be insecure and miserable that is his choice, not your responsibility.

Look at yourself in the mirror, stand tall, plant your feet hip width apart and practice saying this calmly and directly.

He sounds really controlling. He doesn't even like you laughing with friends.

How long have you been trapped op?

“Allow” me? He’s not my dad

He’s your husband, not your dad. Does he ask your permission to do things?

What I want to know is - what is the difference between him going out and staying away for a weekend and enjoying himself and you are not allowed to do it?

Seriously, life is too short to live like this. You need to get out and enjoy yourself while you can.

And I am not being funny, no-one in the land ever died of sulking. He sulks because it works, he chooses to be insulted if you go out, because he knows that you will cancel your plans. If you told him that he is no longer allowed out on his own because he should be happy to spend ALL of his time with you - see what he says, he won't like it.

Be prepared to be seen as the bad guy, let him sulk and pretend everything is fine.

But my friend, you really do need to evaluate things and go out on those two weekends - both of them. And remember, he won't die due to sulking and if you just ignore his behaviour, whilst it may go on for a week or so, life goes on - especially your life and do not let him impact that.

Maybe answer because your friends aren’t controlling AHs

Why are you letting someone have so much power over you?
Why are you even asking?

You are not a child.

The fact he isn’t happy that you are happy speaks volumes

I know you might have got used to this sort of controlling behaviour but maybe it’s time to call it what it is. Abuse.

Have you read about coercive control. That is considered criminal behaviour.

Also look up uk divorce law. I have met several long time married women who think on divorce they will get nothing because everything is in their husbands name. (Even his both of your pensions are considered marital assets.

Yes things will get worse the older he gets.
Things will not get any better,

I wouldn't have even asked my XH...because he would have been awful about it.

Which is why he's now an ex and I won't be remarrying or living with someone again.

I’d probably say what the plan was and then check he didn’t have plans that would clash if it involves child arrangements but I wouldn’t be asking permission, and neither would he. “I’m going here and then there, I’ll be back by 6 on the Sunday, let me know if you want me to pick up a takeaway on the way home”.

Your husband is a twit.

WTF? He goes away on stag do's and you aren't allowed to go out without him? He sounds like a total controlling dip shit. Go out. Don't come back.

Why are you having to ask his permission? Does he ask you if he can go on his nights out/holidays, or just tell you they are happening?

My DH doesn’t ‘allow’ me to do anything. I inform him of my plans and he says okay have fun

To be fair I wouldn't dream of even asking. I would just be informing him I'm going.

Well then surely the same applies to him?? He should never go anywhere? How old is he?

Of course you're happier with them than him if this is how he behaves. Please think about what is keeping you in this relationship, you deserve a lot better.

I wouldnt need to ask permission and it wouldnt even enter my mind to seek it. Im really sorry you are in this tyoe of relationship. Please know its not ok.

Why do grown adults put up with this shit just to stay in a relationship?

I would check he didn’t have anything on (although probably doesn’t matter so much with the ages your children are) but not asking permission.

What do you mean ALLOW?!!

A. He would never object.
B. I would go regardless.
C. I would NEVER ask for permission.

Come on what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

He should be pleased for you, not resent it.

You don’t have to ask your DH or wait for him to say he’s allowing you to go. You just need to say that you’ll be away two weekends, you know he hasn’t anything on himself those weekends and then go. I’m sure your 18 yo will also keep an eye on your 12 yo.