To ask if you’d be allowed to do this?

[Lighterthansprite]

I rarely ever have a night away - just for context. The last one was about 2 years ago and I can’t remember the time before that. DH has never liked it much (he has had nights away, including several nights abroad with friends for stags / birthdays etc)

Unfortunately it has happened that I have an agreed night away coming up shortly, which has been planned for ages to see a concert, but another close friend has now asked me if I am able to go with her for a spa night the weekend before as the person she originally planned to go with can’t make it.

So I’d be away two weekends - one after the other. I haven’t even asked yet… I don’t know if it’s unreasonable to do so? Two children - nearly 18 and 12.

Would your DH / partner allow you to go?

Well there's probably a reason for you sounding happier...your friends are presumably not controlling twats.

He doesn't want to spend all his free time with you; he goes on stags/boys weekends away. Why on earth can't you do the same?

I wasn't sure how to vote because YANBU to want to go away two weekends in a row, particularly when this is rare. YABU to think you need permission or to be 'allowed' to make your own choices as an adult. He doesn't really get a say - your DC are old enough to be left at home without your DH having to actively parent 100% of the time. Presumably they pretty much entertain themselves.

Sure as shite I wouldn't be asking
I d be telling
Let the giant man baby sulk
I wouldn't be going on the guilt trip he's manipulating you on
He is controlling and possessive getting jealous when you laugh with your friends
That's concerning
I'd be having a serious sit down chat
Time to knock this nonsense on the head
No more tip toeing around his precious feelings

Yes absolutely and my kids are much younger.

Allow?!

I wouldn’t be asking. I’d just be telling him.
And vice versa.

My DH would be panicking, but he wouldn’t try to discourage me from going. The panic would be because everyone in our home is ND and any disruption in routine makes things harder for all. He and the teenager would manage though and he knows that.

You need to get the second date down on the joint diary asap before he has a mysterious and very important something he needs to go to and tries to hijack the night. It’s the way life goes doesn’t it? You have a drought of social invitations then they all cluster together!

Have a great time. Your children are plenty old enough so he can easily organise food/ entertainment for them without having to stress over baby stuff like nappies/ bottles/ teething issues. Should be a doddle.

It sounds as though he has coercive tendencies OP, maybe take some time to think about your relationship. This is the 21st Century and women don’t have to ask for permission to do anything any more.

“Allow me to go”?

Are you 12?

I would never have to ask permission to go - just check with DH that he hasn't got anything planned and will be home! Do you really have to ask to be allowed to go? Your children are not little, can presumably look after themselves pretty much? I think it's very odd to ask if you're allowed to go!

You dont need permission!

We have a shared calendar and so long as DH doesn't already have something arranged for that night i'd pencil it in.

I might acknowledge in passing that I'm sorry to be away 2 weekends in a row but just to acknowledge it not to ask for permission.

His behaviour isn't normal. He sounds very controlling.

You are in a controlling relationship.

The red flags are visible from space.

Ask?
Allowed?
Your relationship sounds stifling at best, controlling in reality.
Are you happy?

I think asking for permission (or agreement if you prefer) is fine if you're relying on your partner to look after children whilst your away. Certainly if my husband just announced he'd be away for two consecutive weekends Id be pissed off.

OP in answer to your question, yes I think my partner would be OK with this as a one off. Generally though we'd both try and space weekends away out.

The fact that you don’t see this as far beyond the realms of acceptable is worrying. And the language you use, ‘Would your DH / partner allow you to go?’ Is really concerning.

You should not be asking permission for anything. You have a conversation about your social plans so you are both aware and able to support arrangements at home. How have you allowed yourself to be effectively ruled by your husband? You are in an abusive relationship but I suspect you’re so cowed and brow-beaten by now that you can’t see it.

Please have your nights away. And think about your future with this man.

Ofcourse you're happier with your friends than your controlling twat of a husband! I hope you realise that his behaviour is not normal but he has probably gaslit you in to think it is. We are many women here to tell you it's not. Unfortunately this will only get worse with time and I would be planning to divorce (but don't tell him until everything is planned and you are sure that you and your children are safe - get your family and friends involved - insecure controlling bastards like him tend to become violent when their terrorised wives break free.

Op does he control your children with an iron rod too?

OP, something is very very wrong here. Of course he shouldn't have a problem with you going! The kids are 12 and 18 - if they were babies or toddlers it might be a different story as things can be so tiring in those years but one of them is an adult! His reaction is childish and deeply unreasonable.

Oh dear. This sounds like coercive control. He is trying to isolate you from friends and family. This will not end well - my advice is to get out now.

Jesus wept, I wouldn't be asking, I'd be informing.

In a decent marriage you don't ask permission from your husband to take a night away with a friend!

We have young kids so neither of us tend to go aware for long periods and tend to not do consecutive weekends if it can be helped but neither of us have ever told the other they can’t go we are just considerate of each other.
Book both, tell him and ignore any negative responses.
its not normal for one partner to order the other around. Obey is rarely said in marriage vows these days

"Let you go" !!!
FFS, what century are you living in ?

God that’s awful - why on earth does he have an issue with you having a life outside of him - that’s really really odd.

I could not be with someone who thought they could ‘allow’ me to do anything!!

He's got issues

Go both weekend. You don't need to ask permission. He's not your boss.

Your DC needs to know it's ok to have friends and spend time apart. How will they know how to deal with controlling behaviours if they see you bowing down to their dad?

My OH wouldnt 'allow' me to go and god help him if he tried to forbid it.
When the kids were younger we'd ask if the other was fine having them both solo or if there was anything else planned but definitely no asking permission, just general respect of each other.