To ask if you’d be allowed to do this?

[Lighterthansprite]

I rarely ever have a night away - just for context. The last one was about 2 years ago and I can’t remember the time before that. DH has never liked it much (he has had nights away, including several nights abroad with friends for stags / birthdays etc)

Unfortunately it has happened that I have an agreed night away coming up shortly, which has been planned for ages to see a concert, but another close friend has now asked me if I am able to go with her for a spa night the weekend before as the person she originally planned to go with can’t make it.

So I’d be away two weekends - one after the other. I haven’t even asked yet… I don’t know if it’s unreasonable to do so? Two children - nearly 18 and 12.

Would your DH / partner allow you to go?

You have a problem OP. He is a jealous man who wants to control you because of his own insecurities. This isn't normal.

And then what happened? You said "yes, master", and didn't?

Tell him you're going, and go. And tell him if there's any sulking when you get back, you'll be straight off back to the hotel.

Albeit in very different ways, you're both acting like infants.

I don't need permission. My husband would be happy for me to spend time with friends and have a break. I do the same for him

I've actually never been away myself, unless hospital stays count. He wouldn't bother though he would miss me, weird man! Usually if I have a gig I want to go to in London etc then my dm will come here and me and dh make the most of our 5 yearly break. Dh has been away on stag dos's and raves.

Allowed? Haven’t asked?

Give the 18 year old money to feed the 12 year old and go have your much deserved time off.

You have bigger problems than being “allowed” to go away for 2 weekends. Sounds like he prefers you to be at home so you know your place, even if he’s not there.

You don’t ask permission you say you have been asked so are going

if he kicks off simply remind him of all the times he has been a way and why is that acceptable for him but not you. It’s not and you are going

The word "allow" is concerning

Well that's not surprising, the man sounds like an abusive cunt.
Yes I would be 'allowed' to do this. But I'd never be asking permission on the first place. It might the a bit selfish timing wise if you had an 18 month old, but an 18 year old??
Is this a relationship you want to be in? Could you safely leave it? Would you like support form people here in how to do that?
This doesn't have to be your life. You and your kids deserve so much better.

DH has never liked it much (he has had nights away, including several nights abroad with friends for stags / birthdays etc)
Yet he will sulk if yo go away.
Come on, get a grip and realise how ridiculous that is.
If he sulks ( so unattractive in an adult), just go to a different room and do something else to keep yourself busy and ignore his juvenile behaviour.
Have a great couple of weekends.

I only put YABU because I meant that YABU to even been considering this as an issue? Unless one or both of your children have such significant needs that neither of you can cope alone, then why would it be an issue? Especially for a 12 and 18 year old! I can see why you’d need to pace it if you had a 3 and 5 year old for instance but come on, he needs to get a grip!

Why are you with him OP? Does he bring any happiness to your life?

I was with someone like this, probably worse because he controlled everything. It was like being a prisoner. On the one occasion I didn't listen to him, he had kicked me out when I returned home. I realise how many years I wasted on this piece of crap.

Maybe you need to take a look at what you need and want out of life. You are never stuck where you are. Yes, it's difficult to make choices and start again, but entirely doable. Try taking a look at the freedom programme because this is a form of abuse. Maybe you are experiencing more abuse than you realise. All the best 💐

I’d check the joint diary and see if it clashed with anything, if not I’d pop it in there and tell DH excitedly about my unexpected spa treatment. He’d be happy for me. The sane would happen the other way round.

Err yes.

X

My husband wouldn’t “allow” me to do anything. We’d make sure one of us would be around for our daughter (3) as if he is fishing we would need someone to watch her.

He would not be bothered at all.

He is so controlling. All relationships are different but thinking you should choose him over literally everyone else, all of the time? That is not normal or healthy. Last night on earth? Sure, choose your husband. Random weekend opportunity with a mate? Mate wins, every time!

This!!

With kids of that age, I’d be letting him know as a courtesy and checking there are no clashes, but there’s no way the word “allowed” would even feature in any conversation.

Im sensing there is a whole backstory here OP. ?

Oh, this thread makes me sad.
Of course you shouldn't need to ask for permission.

He should be pleased for you to have good friendships with people that make you laugh.

Those friendships don't threaten marriages - being a mean spirited arsehole threatens marriages.

You are in a very abusive, controlling relationship.

Haha the day my DH thinks he has the power to 'let' me do or not do something, is the day he is no longer my DH.

He doesn't want you happy, he wants you controlled, compliant, and in a cage where he can see you.

He sounds terribly insecure and immature. But these are his problems to work on. They are not to be solved by him making your life small. If you love him, you can choose to help him grow, but only if he's willing to see that it's a problem.

Is it because you actually are happier with your friends than with him?

Obviously you are unreasonable to use the language you've chosen - is your repeated use of "allow" and "allowed" rage bait?
.I don't see why people bother posting rage bait on MN - it's not as though you can monitise your account!

Unless the children are (in some unlikely but possible if there's some kind of kinship fostering or something going on) 18 and 12 months rather than years, or you for some reason didn't mention high care needs due to special or medical needs then going away a couple of weekends in a row really shouldn't particularly bother anyone.

YANBU to go, YABU to keep phrasing asking about being "allowed" aa though that's reasonable language.

My DH doesn’t ’allow’ or ‘not allow’ me to do things. I’m a grown up and I choose where I go and when; same for DH.