To be upset about meat being cooked in my house

[Meetmeinlove]

For context, I am 53 and a lifelong vegetarian. I have never cooked meat or eaten meat.

I was always clear with my kids that if they wanted to eat meat, it was their choice but it had to be out of the house. Put simply, I don’t want it in my house.

They both eat meat and I am ok with that.

But I came home and they have cooked it- used my wooden chopping board to cut it up. Left remnants on the worksurface.

i’m bloody upset and it feels so disrespectful frankly. It’s a real problem for me- I don’t want meat in my house- I have always been really clear about it.

aibu to be so upset about it? It’s a real problem for me.

Yes I don't think being able to scarf down three packets of wafer thin on a park bench is quite the habit we want to instil in kids is it?

You’re in Mumsnet, you are bound to get a lot of people who don’t understand people who don’t eat meat

Again, I'm vegan. I do understand people who don't eat meat because I am one.
I just don't restrict other people from eating meat if they want to, especially the ones who live alongside me in this house and need to cook it here if they want it to be good quality meat.

I think it’s unreasonable to tell kids they can’t eat certain things at home. “My house, my rules” is only fair when the other person has a choice whether to live in the house or not. While they’re children, it’s not your house, it belongs to all of you. When they’re old enough to move out (ie end of Year 13, not the second they turn 18) then you can have your rules and they can vote with their feet.

It’s not unreasonable to be upset that they didn’t clean up properly.

I'm a meat eater and I think YANBU.
Your house, your rules to quote an old saying.
If I were you there would be consequences.

This

we do cook meat at home, but i don’t think the OP is being unreasonable

So you would think it reasonable for OP to insist her daughters wear hijabs, for instance? Because she thinks that's moral?

I don't have an issue with vegetarians – why would I? People should eat the diet that is healthy and enjoyable for them. But 'your house, your rules' only works when the rules are reasonable. If OP was insisting that her teenage daughters wear hijabs, or banning her 18-year-old from playing GTA VI in their room, I would also think that's unreasonably restrictive.

Sometimes our kids do things we don't like, but if it's not illegal, and it’s either age appropriate or they're legally an adult, and it doesn't actually impact negatively on the rest of the house, I'm not sure it's reasonable to stop them. So yes, they should have cleaned up after themselves – that was disrespectful as it impacted negatively on OP – but banning meat altogether when they obviously want to eat it, and can buy it for themselves, is unreasonable.

I voted YANBU but I can also see the point that it's their house too and it would be good if you could find a small way to accommodate your children if they do want to eat meat at home occasionally. I absolutely agree with you that it's not acceptable for them to use your wooden chopping board and then leave meat remnants in the kitchen; that's disrespectful and that's what I'd focus on. If you'd be willing to allow them to prepare and cook meat at home occasionally, you could set ground rules eg they buy a chopping board, pan and utensils which are for cooking meat, store them separately and wash it all up themselves, and never use the other things for meat. If you don't want to see meat in the fridge, you could ask them to store it in an opaque container, or if you really don't want them to store it in there at all, maybe allow them to buy a mini fridge or cool box. And if you don't want them cooking meat in the kitchen, would you allow them to have the occasional BBQ in the garden? (Using a disposable BBQ if necessary.)

I understand why you feel so strongly that you don't want meat in your home, and I assume you'd never choose to live with people who aren't vegetarians, but these are your children and it is their home too. If you're not willing to accommodate them a tiny bit then you risk pushing them away, they'll move out as soon as they can and may not return to visit as much as you'd like.

YANBU. Your house, your rules. When they leave home they can do what they want. When they're out of your house, they can do what they want. When they're in your house, YOUR rules apply. Even worse that they used your cooking equipment and couldn't even be arsed to clean up and wash up after themselves.

Is the 'not cleaning up' irrelevant ? Even if the kids have a separate small fridge and their own utensils, and clean up thoroughly OP has said no meat in her house. No compromise therefore YABU.
What will happen if they refuse to comply?

it's up to the household.

I get that for you.

But in the OPs example it's not the case- she doesn't want meat in her house at all. And she's one third of the household. Albeit the one who pays the bills (largely because 14 year olds can't earn money or leave home). Your position seems to be that you chose to compromise but the OP should not have to. In the OPs case (and in my case) would we be happy to have food we eat restricted because of someone else's ethical concerns? I wouldn't and I strongly suspect the OP wouldn't throw all the honey, eggs, milk etc out and ban it from the threshold if her child demanded it. It would be controlling. But what the OP is also doing is controlling. It's not the same thing as the discussion you had with your family.

I am the parent and I make the important decisions as the adult. But I don't consider myself "the household". It is also my child's home and they are part of the household.

I totally agree with this. And even though I have said that it’s no good they left the mess, a part of me does wonder if this was more or less deliberate (or maybe a subconscious attempt?) to open the discussion. They’re children and it sounds like their voice isn’t particularly heard so they might not feel they have another way of raising it.

Anyway, all these “my house, my rules” arguments have no reasoning whatsoever. It’s the old “because I said so” and has no actual rational basis. Imo, when explaining rules to children, you have to have a reason. You can’t just say “because I said so/my house my rules” and expect them to accept it. And what kind of relationship are they going to end up in in the future if they do accept this?

Tbf, while it's not 'daily', my GP has told me to eat chicken livers several times a week in addition to taking iron supplements, for my low ferritin. She said it's the best way to get and absorb iron, which many women are chronically low in.

Yes, I wonder if they usually leave a mess in the kitchen after preparing food? Is this ordinary laziness for them, or were they perhaps trying to make a statement?

And yes – groundless rules are not positive things. There should be a good reason for a rule, and given OP is comfortable with them eating meat more generally, she doesn't have as much of a leg to stand on when it comes to banning it from the house altogether. I think a compromise (only cook it when I'm not home, store it in airtight containers, use different cooking utensils) might be more sensible.

You’re being irrational to say it can’t be in the house. Your argument should be that they haven’t cleared up immediately and used separate chopping boards etc. they have probably done this loads of times and this is the first time they’ve been caught!

I totally agree. For me the meat issue is irrelevant.
Posters have already been saying 'if he doesn't like it then he can move out'.

And then OP will wonder why they don't have a very good relationship.

I think it’s disrespectful of them and I would be upset. But I am also vegetarian and to be eating meat is completely barbaric and I can never understand how a majority of people can do something which seems obviously cruel and wrong to me.

I think what (some) people are reacting to is the "my house", "my fridge" "my threshold" "my house" etc etc. Your kids live there too and it is their home but you don't seem to see it like that at all. The controlling but comes in where you are saying they are only allowed to bring food approved by you into the home. Because it is their home as well you are controlling them. I get you are the adult and you pay the bills, but it is by definition something you are controlling.

Pulling emotive stuff like "only veggies will understand" doesn't work since several vegetarians (including me) have said they do things differently. I don't think the dividing line on this discussion is between vegetarians versus meat eaters. That's a diversion. It's between people who see you alone as "the household" and those who see you plus your kids as "the household". There's no right or wrong answer there but the "my roof" stuff about household rules usually results in children leaving home as soon as possible

You picked an interesting username for a vegetarian!

I don't understand why one would make their kids eat meat outside of their home. It's awfully extreme.

I was a vegan for a long time because I was very horrified by the dairy industry. In some ways it is worse since at least a lot of animals raised for meat spend a bit longer with their mother. Cows have to be repeatedly impregnated (at least every 4 years) so that they maintain a constant milk supply. Female calves are weaned earlier than they would be naturally usually but male calves are removed from the mother very early and usually just killed. The mother is then continuously milked by machine instead of feeding her calve. It's a repeated.cycle of forced impregnation, forced pregnancy, having their babies ripped away and then milked until they are impregnated again.

I am not a vegan anymore for various reasons. I'm a vegetarian. I am aware of the ethical issues around milk and cheese though. So in answer to your question as to how the "majority of people can do something which seems obviously cruel and wrong to me." They managed it the same way you manage the rape, forced pregnancy and baby murder that goes into your morning cuppa.

Sorry @Meetmeinlove but I think YABU.

I'm vegan with meat eating kids, I don't like meat in my house and they have all been taught how to store it away from other food, use only the meat chopping board and knives, open window and put the fan on and leave the kitchen spotless. But they are allowed to cook the food that they want to eat. We all love to cook and try new recipes, it's different to eating out and it isn't fair to limit the recipes that they are allowed to cook based on your preferences.

You have been extremely controlling and your kids have responded by being really disrespectful. Would they have left a mess etc if you had established ground rules rather than a blanket ban?

Excellent post, completely nails it👏👏👏

Oh I don’t eat or drink any animal products!

but I couldn’t call myself a vegan because I am not perfect, I have a pet dog who I feed kibble made with meat.

I didn‘t read all the replies, so sorry if I am repeating previous posts - I think you need to compromise here. Yes, it is your house, but it is also their home. Seeing that it is not an issue of allergies / food intolerance but your choice to be vegetarian, they should be able to prepare their own food in their own home. However, they should have their own cooking utensils so that yours are not used for meat preparation. I understand smell might also be an issue, but then you probably have to live with food odours from neighbours etc anyway. They absolutely must do their own cleaning up, you should not have to deal with that.

I think it would be useful to understand why you don’t want it in the house? Is it the smell, or potential for contamination? For example, if they came into the house with a shop brought chicken sandwich, that you couldn't smell and wasn’t rubbed all over the kitchen surfaces, would you mind them eating that?

If so, then you could ‘tweak’ the rules a little to give them space to make their own food (including meat, as lots of outside purchased ready made food is highly processed) but they could have their own utensils, cupboard, chopping boards etc… a drawer in the fridge maybe and rules around when they can cook and how to clear away.

It is their home and I wouldn’t be encouraging consumption outside of the home given the health implications of ultra processed food. I would encourage a middle ground with them, especially as they’re older now and more likely to defy you.