To be upset about meat being cooked in my house

[Meetmeinlove]

For context, I am 53 and a lifelong vegetarian. I have never cooked meat or eaten meat.

I was always clear with my kids that if they wanted to eat meat, it was their choice but it had to be out of the house. Put simply, I don’t want it in my house.

They both eat meat and I am ok with that.

But I came home and they have cooked it- used my wooden chopping board to cut it up. Left remnants on the worksurface.

i’m bloody upset and it feels so disrespectful frankly. It’s a real problem for me- I don’t want meat in my house- I have always been really clear about it.

aibu to be so upset about it? It’s a real problem for me.

I eat quite a bit of meat. And I completely agree.

Does the OP looks as someone ready for rational discussion about this?

She knows her sons want to eat meat. They could have a separate small fridge at home for cold non-cooking meat. Maybe there is a relative they could cook at. There would be ways, but the OP doesn't look for a way, she cares only about her "no".

What a refreshingly rational comment amongst a sea of shite.

ohhhh think was meant to reply to @Hellohelga

But this stance restricts them to not have the option to add any nuance to the ethics of their decision. Many meat-eaters only eat high-welfare meat but generally that is only possible for home-cooked foods and the most expensive restaurants. For teenagers who can only eat meat out of the house, their only accessible sources of meat will be the cheapest, low welfare, factory-farmed and highly processed options. Surely even as a vegetarian yourself you can see an ethical difference between eating processed nuggets from intensively farmed birds that had a miserable life vs home-cooked food made with RSPCA-certified meat?

Because vegetarianiam is a core tenent of her belief system. She is not being difficult for the sake of it, this has deeply upset and unsettled her. How are you unable to understand how important this is to the OP ? She feels like her meat free home has been violated. Her children have their whole lives ahead of them to cook as much meat as they like once they live in their own homes.

BTW I am not a vegetarian but I can experience empathy, maybe give it a go?

Now whos disingenuous? 🍿

Tell me where she says she only cares about her no

The previous meat the kids (in particular the 14 year old) have had didnt get dropped off by santa. So shes giving them ways and accommodating access to meat somewhere.. just not in her house.

Yes, this is why I allow my children to eat meat at home. Because if they’re going to eat it, they’re going to eat meat that has been as ethically raised as possible. I still
don’t agree with killing animals, but we live in a meat-eating society and I don’t want my children to feel that I have deprived them of what everyone else thinks is normal. They can try it, they can see what all the fuss is about, and they can make their own decisions. I don’t really want them eating junk, especially meat which has been kept in atrocious conditions, full
of hormones etc.

I think youre doing these kids a disservice to suggest they are unable to consider the ethical treatment of the meat they eat unless they cook it at home.

Their ability to consider other living things shouldnt be tied to that. And OP can discuss that whilst keeping her home meat free

I didn't say they couldn't consider it. But if they obey OP's rules they are very limited in their ability to act on it.

OP, I appreciate that AIBU can be reductive and a binary choice for voting between you are unreasonable and not unreasonable. But real life is not always that simple.

I do not think you are unreasonable not to want meat brought into your house.

BUT I do not think your young adult and teen child are unreasonable either to want to eat food of their choice in their own home (they were entirely unreasonable to use your chopping board and not clear away though).

It depends, I think, on what sort of parent you want to be and what sort of relationship you want to have with your children. I never did the “my house my rules” thing in quite that blanket sort of way. Others do.

I do not think the analogy with drugs or smoking / vaping is a very good one as drugs are illegal and smoking / vaping have proven significant health contraindications which would support you to say “my house my rules” in a more robust way.

The best (though not perfect) analogy would be moderate drinking introduced into a teetotal house. Do you want to be that parent who prevents a legal activity that is not harmful to the participant in your house just because of your own strongly held beliefs? It seems as though you do. I do not think that makes you necessarily unreasonable. But I can see that it might breed some resentment in your growing children and possibly put a distance between you. You know your children best and whether that is likely. You also know what your relationship with them is like more generally and whether they perceive this as an example of you being unyielding and unwilling to compromise. Or whether they admire your principles (even if they do not share them).

One final thing - you make in your comments quite a big deal of not preventing your children from eating meat outside the home. At their ages I do not think this is an example of reasonableness particularly on your part; in that not to accept the food choices of your adult and teenage child outside the home would be so wholly unreasonable it’s hardly a marker of tolerance that you have not sought to stand in way of it.

I have teenagers too lol, and I can assure YOU that the ‘my house’ rules are exactly how I ensure the smoothest ride. Teenagers are expected to push boundaries, behave outrageously at times, take risks, experiment. They have to, in order to make mistakes and learn from them. MY job, as the parents and absolutely not their equal, is to be the steady anchor while they ride their rough seas. I’d be failing them if I weren’t. I don’t think any parent is entitled to a smooth ride as parents. Giving in and joining them isn’t in their best interests imo.

@canklesmctacotits You’re misunderstanding me. I agree with everything you’re saying in your post and that’s exactly how it was in our home.The adults have to be in charge when it comes to important issues. When I say ‘equal’ I’m referring to the right of all members of the family to live in the home in an equally respectful way. Not everything we do and believe as parents should dictate what our kids are allowed to do. Give and take. We don’t own them and they should be allowed a level of autonomy especially as they reach the teenage years, otherwise how will they find out what they do and don’t like, what works for them? I would imagine leaving the chopping board out uncleaned was an act of rebellion after years of ‘my house, my rules’ being pushed a little too stringently (or as I said before they could possibly have been caught in the act and dashed upstairs with their forbidden food before they had time to tidy up). I grew up with a DM who had a cleaning obsession (addiction?) so was made to feel most unwelcome for the entirety of my teenage years and it was awful. I could barely get in the door before I was ushered upstairs to ensure ‘her’ space was kept tidy, so maybe this is why I feel empathy for the DC in this situation. I moved out at a very young age to get away from it so maybe the OPs kids will do the same? Being on edge in your own home and being made to feel wrong for doing something that actually isn’t to a lot of people isn’t a path to happiness. And yes I get that her vegetarianism is important to the OP (I am also vegetarian) but it’s going too far to expect everyone to be the same as you and forcing her DC to sneak around is ridiculous.

For all the people who say the kids should be able to eat what they want, what if OP had a nut allergy and they brought in bags of peanuts and left them around?

I'd say that's a ridiculous comparison. Nuts could kill someone with a nut allergy.

I accept that to a degree except we dont know if they could or are doing that at other relatives homes. And if they are concerned about the ethics to that degree they could choose to limit their own meat intake until they are somewhere (relatives, friends, their own place) where they can.

Or at 18 if its a deal breaker for the 18 year they could move out. Up until now this has been the rule and noones minded.

To highlight my above points... tonight I ate a homemade.couscous salad with chickpeas, lemon, pomegranate, raw pepper, rocket, avocado, seeds, herbs. It was delicious and covered all the food groups. By contrast, my husband ate sausages, prebought mash and peas

But that's your house and your husband. Being vegan I'd have been happy with your salad but my husband would not have been impressed at all with sausages and precooked mash. He'd probably have grilled some mackerel and had it with the salad. He'd have grilled the mackerel outside though, although I have no objection to him cooking meat inside I draw the line at mackerel.

It would have been seen as a massive disappointment to her if we had ever tried it, such was her very strong viewpoint and stance in the home.
I first ate fish at 25… and I never told her. It took 7 years post me leaving home for Uni and beyond to get that far, and such was her massive influence on me.
I didn’t eat meat until after she died

It's amazing how people differ in their viewpoints. My children are vegetarians but my grandchildren (still toddlers) have been offered and fed meat since they were weaned. Chicken and fish is as far as it goes, but my children feel that their vegetarianism should not be forced on their children until they can make an informed decision of their own. I personally think it's concern for their nutrition. I know you can be perfectly healthy without meat but I think that may be at the bottom of it. I'm vegan and I don't have any bother grilling a bit of fish for my gc.
But that's just me, I realise.

Eating ANIMALS, adults and babies

We’ll have to agree to disagree on that one!

Again, OP, how are they supposed to learn to cook it if they can’t do it in their own home?
Can they not just have their own pans, utensils and chopping boards, and do it while you’re out and tidy it asap? There must be a compromise

On which point?

This is so much easier with meat and fish. It’s really hard to reach protein goals on a vegetarian diet (yes, yes I know, beans and lentils, and quinoa)

I'm vegan but I hear you :)

Yes? Sorry, I'm not quite sure of your point. (I personally don't eat meat and keep pointing out to the person I was talking to that its not necessary to eat it.)

I think what they did was disrespectful, entitled and rude.
Lay down the law as they seem to have trouble retaining basic information, make sure there’s consequences and reiterate that meat does not enter the house, ever. No exceptions.

This thread is so interesting because I think meat eaters genuinely struggle to understand that it's so easy to eat without meat and therefore, to remove it must be 'restrictive'

I've commented on this thread a few times now. I'm vegan and I know it's perfectly possible (I wouldn't say simple) to get the right nutrition without meat or dairy. I still cook meat for my grandchildren though, because they are neither vegetarian nor vegan. They are also very little and haven't chosen to restrict their own diet. Maybe they will, but it will be their choice.

What sort of meat do you think a 14 year old can realistically obtain outside his home, besides the lower quality, highly-processed kind?

Quite. Most responsible parents are trying to restrict their children consuming unhealthy fast food.