To be upset about meat being cooked in my house

[Meetmeinlove]

For context, I am 53 and a lifelong vegetarian. I have never cooked meat or eaten meat.

I was always clear with my kids that if they wanted to eat meat, it was their choice but it had to be out of the house. Put simply, I don’t want it in my house.

They both eat meat and I am ok with that.

But I came home and they have cooked it- used my wooden chopping board to cut it up. Left remnants on the worksurface.

i’m bloody upset and it feels so disrespectful frankly. It’s a real problem for me- I don’t want meat in my house- I have always been really clear about it.

aibu to be so upset about it? It’s a real problem for me.

My ex-husband unilaterally decided to be vegetarian (culture) and I agreed so long as he continued to eat fish i.e. be a pescatarian to some extent, because I was worried about health and his becoming a vegetarian essentially meant we would all be vegetarian, at least at home. I adjusted but I still cooked meat e.g. at Christmas, with a vegetarian alternative and if we went to a restaurant I did not restrict either myself or the DC to only vegetarian choices - though often we would go to a restaurant serving vegetarian food as that seemed fair.
It's your children's home as well as yours and they do not share your antipathy to meat. They should be able to eat the food they like at home if they are cooking for themselves (I presume all family meals are vegetarian) and you need to provide a separate fridge for meat if that is what they want to cook. They should clean up after themselves, of course, but apart from providing a separate meat chopping board (which is a good idea anyway and you can buy sets of coloured chopping boards for various foods) there is no reason to use separate pans as long as they are washed and a dishwasher will deal with the plates and crockery at a high temperature so nothing will be contaminated.
Were your reasons for being vegetarian religious I would be a bit more supportive just as I would over kosher (and a kosher kitchen) or halal. You are being unreasonable about them eating meat in their own home - but the not tidying up you are entirely right about.

I don’t understand why people keep making this argument. It has never worked and never will.

I agree with others - you keep saying it’s your house but it is also your children’s home. They aren’t guests staying for the weekend. At those ages they should have more freedom. Fair enough you don’t cool it for them but if they used separate chopping boards and kept a separate shelf in the fridge I think that would be perfectly reasonable.

The thing is at those ages they’re going to do it anyway - and not being able to do something as fundamental as eat what you want in your own home is always going to cause trouble. They’ve probably been doing it for years and only this time forgot to clean up properly. Far better for things to be out in the open and then a system can be agreed.

They should have cleared up though, on that YANBU.

Not really. You asked if were you being unreasonable. You have been told by the majority of people that you are but you have not accepted anybody's point of view. The fact that you asked must mean that you feel somewhat unsure about your stance but you don't like it when people are telling you what you don't want to hear.
Most people at that stage accept that others may have a point.

I agree @Catza. The disrespect is the issue here. If DH or I ask our children not to do something in the house, we expect them to respect this.

OP do you have any leather in your house or let them bring leather in? Surely it's similar to leaving animal meat about - it's literally cows skin!

It’s their house too, no?

It's their home, it's not their house. @Meetmeinlove I think it is completely reasonable to have this red line. For some people it would be alcohol, or drugs or pork.

Well they aren’t little kids are they. They are not ‘given’ stuff all the time anymore to eat and wear. They are becoming more independent and should be encouraged to do so.

Not really, its often they at least take on some points, particularly if they're able to apply some critical thinking.

Either way, YABU of course. Although asking them to use separate utensils etc would be reasonable.

@wishfulthinking25 In our family, it's our house, just as my in-laws house is their house and DD's flat (that she shares with friends) is her house.
We'd respect their wishes in their houses.

You are being unreasonable.

Have a dedicated meat/not meat chopping boards and tupperwear. Agree on times when it is ok. Run as good separation as possible.
Don't deny your teenage sons an option to eat home-cooked meat just because you were raised in a militant vegetarian way.

Equals?! On what planet are a 14yo and 18yo equal to their mother? I really despair sometimes. This comment comes from the type of parent who tells their children not to listen to their teachers because “they’re not better than you, they can’t tell you what to do” 🙄

The minute my children take responsibility for their actions and don’t shove them onto others (such as me), they can be deemed as adults. And even then they wouldn’t be my equals 😂. What garbage.

I don't think it would be unreasonable, at their ages, to allow meat in the house with rules around it, such as a dedicated space in the fridge and dedicated utensils, plus of course fully clearing up. If they fail to adhere, back to no meat at all. It's their home too and they should have some space to make choices in it IMO.

I think you are very unusual OP. The veggies I know still cook meat for family or let it be cooked.

No-one asked for a lecture.

So you forced your own beliefs onto them as children then. 🙄

No @canklesmctacotits I am not ‘that type of parent’. I do however have experience of living with a teenager and I can assure you all this ‘my house’ crap is not going to lead to a smooth ride for anyone.

I agree.

(And I'm not a vegetarian, in case that matters. )

I think you are being excessively controlling.
It's their home too.

They should be allowed to cook meat in their, as well as your home.

Even if they have separate chopping boards and utensils.

What is your alternative for them?

I understand how abhorrent preparing, cooking and eating meat is to you but we
all have to compromise in order to live together in peace and harmony.

You are angry with your children, what has been their response?

Despite what you say, at their age, they are within their rights to disobey you and cook meat in their, as well as your home.

Smoking is an activity which is highly damaging to health, and has killed roughly a quarter of a billion people over the past century or so. It also leaves a sticky, yellow film on household surfaces. Meat is a natural foodstuff which is consumed by humans, and countless other creatures, and even some plants, all over the planet. Can you see the difference?

I agree with the OP . These kids have grown up in a non meat household all their lives . They know how she feels about it being in the house , never mind using her utensils to prepare it . It is a gross disregard for the rules of the household . And it is the OP who is in charge . When they pay their own bills and have their own place they can do what they want . I have no sympathy for the it's their house too argument .

I wonder if people would feel differently if the foodstuff was alcohol instead of meat ? Nobody needs either to survive , it's just a preference .

No, they should not have to pay bills in order to be able to eat what they want or cook according to their own diet in the place they live.

That works when the ask is reasonable and when there are open lines of communication to discuss and potentially re-evaluate when the ask doesn't work.

In this case it seems that the home setup needs re-evaluation, but the OP evidently isn't open to it, so rebelion is their best choice.