AIBU to expect my sister to accept my fourth pregnancy when she is child free not by choice ?

[TheFunnyPoet]

My husband and I have been together for 11 years and married for 9. He is 49 and I’m 38.
He has two older children from his previous marriage, both of whom are still very much part of our household. They split their time between us and their mum, although realistically they’re here a lot. So although this will technically be my husband and my fourth child together, we already have a very full house. We’ve recently announced that we’re expecting our fourth baby together.

I’m obviously over the moon. This baby was planned, wanted and very much conceived because we both genuinely wanted another child. This is our last DH has since had a vasectomy.My sister, however, has taken the news really badly.She’s 44 and with a lovely partner who does have children. She was married for quite a long time to her ex, and apparently he had always told her that he “might” want children eventually. She waited because she loved him and trusted that he would change his mind.He never did.
They eventually separated and divorced and she’s now in the position of being childless when having children is something she desperately wants.

She has said to me that every single one of my pregnancies has felt like a punch in the stomach because I already have three children and am now having a fourth.
I completely understand that she’s hurting, and I have tried to be sensitive. I don't constantly talk about the pregnancy around her I’ve even avoided discussing names etc.
But she has now basically said that she feels I’m being incredibly insensitive by having another baby when I know how desperately she wants one.

This is where I’m struggling.I feel awful for her. I genuinely do. I can’t imagine wanting a child for years and not having one.
But at the same time, what exactly am I
supposed to do? My sister's situation isn't something I can fix. I can't give her my baby, and I don't think it's reasonable for me to not have my baby because she hasn't been able to have one.And, if I'm being completely honest, there is a part of me that feels angry because she chose to stay with a man for years who she knew was ambivalent about having children. She says he manipulated her and strung her along, whereas I think at some point she also had to make a choice about whether to stay.

I haven’t said that last part to her because I know it would be incredibly hurtful.
My husband thinks I’m being far too considerate already and says that while we should obviously be kind to her, our family planning is nobody else’s business.
My mum, however, has told me I need to “put myself in my sister’s shoes” and perhaps accept that she might not want much contact with me during the pregnancy or after the baby is born. I am fine with no contact my life shouldn’t stop for her to be happy.

I’m finding that difficult because we’ve always been very close, and I don't want my sister to resent my baby before he/she is even born.

I’m not asking whether I should have had the baby that ship has obviously sailed. I’m asking whether I’m being unreasonable in expecting my sister to accept that I’m allowed to be happy about my pregnancy despite knowing how painful it is for her.

Nice of you to offer. I'm sure the OP will get your details really soon to pass on.

You are allowed to be happy, she’s allowed to be sad but what would be really inappropriate is for you to ever moan/complain about how hard your life is to get, you chose so many children

Your sister is a massive twat. Tell her to do one.

Her choice to stay with her ex for so long, she could have gotten out when she knew he was stringing her along, she could choose to go it alone and try a sperm bank if she’s still fertile. She’s got options but she’s ignoring them and choosing bitterness.

Shes mad at herself because she’s taken a passive approach to her own life and now doesn’t have what she wanted because she allowed someone else to dictate it. She doesn’t get to take that anger out on you.

And yes, any normal and sane person within a close family would be delighted that there is another member of the family coming along.

I am very sorry that your enjoyment of pregnancy is being ruined in this way. It is not your fault. I'm not clear why she hasn't had a baby with her new partner. You say she's 44. I'm assuming she's been with him a while? Has she tried to get pregnant? None of her experiences are your fault. I had this. Its absolutely not fair. I literally had (MIL) "well, we won't mention THIS in front of X". That's a weird way to say congratulations and we're thrilled that we're going to be grandparents, isn't it? "THIS" is now 31. The BIL and wife never had a bio child. Was I to wait forever?? Enjoy your baby. There isn't a quota system.

Seriously? You think the op should just hand over a baby to her because she wants one? What about the trauma the baby would have being removed from the woman who it bonded with over the course of the pregnancy? A baby is not a commodity to be passed on to someone just because they want one.

Most surrogacies involve exploiting under privileged women. Not an acceptable option.

People even thinking the OP should try to be a surrogate for her 44 yo sister (the sister is unlikely to need a surrogate, more like an egg donor and the OP is already 39 so not an ideal egg donor candidate)... if it didn't work out, the OP would have deliberately sabotaged her eggs or the pregnancy to spite her poor sister. Just NO! The ethics around surrogacy are irrelevant to this particular situation. It would be a terrible idea.

But imagine how precious it will feel if you do eventually have a pregnancy. Then imagine someone pisses on your chips about it. Op has a right to enjoy her precious pregnancy. This baby is as special as her first and as special as an eventual pregnancy for a woman who has struggled to conceive. Its being ruined from the sidelines and that is not fair. Grandma needs to rethink this completely imo. She's facilitating the childless daughter's continued lashing out.

I had my first at 44 (mind you my children were IVF and frozen for about 7 years before we decided we were ready)
your sister still has options!

it’s also a bit unfair to ask us to pass judgment on your situation as we don’t know you or your sister. What is your situation like OP, are you and your spouse so well off you can afford 6 kids? 2 from his previous and the 4 you have together?

My sister (who has 2 kids) offered to be an egg donor for me when we were struggling to conceive. Sadly tests showed her fertility was past its prime so she was deemed unsuitable. We ended up using an anonymous egg donor…and now have twins … but it was such a lovely thing to offer. Hopefully once the shock has worn off for her your relationship will go back to normal

What an awful tone deaf comment seriously. No having nieces and nephew is absolutely not the same. You can’t honestly believe that can you?

@August1980 "What is your situation like OP, are you and your spouse so well off you can afford 6 kids? 2 from his previous and the 4 you have together?"

Of what relevance? None at all.

The op did not suggest they are a substitute. Being happy to have nieces and nephews is separate to her own situation.

The sister is 44. While it wouldn't be easy it is not impossible for her to have a child now.

im guessing you haven’t yourself had fertility issues? It changes everything. Whilst they do bring joy to your life they are a constant reminder of what you are missing out on.

I see both sides of this. Of course you have a right to your own happiness and to be happy for your pregnancy.
But wanting desperately to have a child (and especially when you feel time is running out) is a pain that can only be understood if you live through it. It’s devastating to be honest and no-one cares because it’s an invisible pain. It’s disenfranchised grief (a loss that is not openly acknowledged, socially supported, or publicly mourned.)
So your sister is going through hell and as much as she’d like to celebrate with you, she can’t.

ive been through this for a very long time and i wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I’d been in support groups for childless women who were desperately trying to make their life meaningful without children. I just couldn’t accept my fate.
So at 48 I had a baby on my own. I never even thought it was possible and I was born again as a person when I had my son. Could you maybe suggest to your sister that she could do this on her own? I know it can be a scary choice and may not be for everyone but it would empower her instead of waiting around for Mr Right who may not appear?

Wow, your lack of empathy for your sister is unbelievable. She should ge grateful for having nieces and nephews, how kind of you to make her an aunt! Doesn't matter that she can't be mother but she she should be grateful to you.....

Where did the OP say yer sister should be grateful?

Whether I’ve had fertility issues is irrelevant. My point is that the op did not say they are a substitute and that being happy for them is different to claiming they are a substitute.

I’m not sure why there is this view on MN that fertility issues are an acceptable excuse for being nasty. I have a long term illness that limit me considerably. I see family members doing things I would love to be able to do. Sure, seeing them doing these things is a reminder that I can’t but I certainly don’t begrudge them and am happy they can do those things. I must definitely wouldn’t expect them not to do them just because I can’t or not talk about them in front of me. Basically, I recognise that not everything is about me and that while life is unfair, it’s not anyone else’s fault.

I think it is absolutely fine for you and your sister to have some space from each other for a while. I think you both need it.

I had fertility issues. Multiple miscarriages via natural and assisted pregnancies. I will never have a child and I find it insensitive for people who've experienced infertility but have gone on to have children to post on the subject here as an authority on the pain of infertility. It makes the pain for those of us who didn't get that rainbow baby or happy ending, who didn't have £30k to spend on private IVF or a sister who offered to be an egg donor so much worse...

The point is, each and every one of us can be Top Trumped in our suffering. There is compassion to be had for those in pain, when the thread started I was thinking about it from the sister's side. Subsequent posts from the OP have not made me doubt the sister's pain and misery, which sounds long-standing and deep-rooted, but they have certainly made me doubt that the OP could be doing much more than she already has done.

“…you shouldn’t use your pain as an excuse”

Honestly OP, normally speaking, I would agree. But this comment shows me that you expect her to do all the understanding and accommodating for your happy situation while your level empathy for her isn’t as deep as her sad predicament would normally ignite in a loving sister.

Also, I think instead of saying the hurtful, defensive comments behind your back to others as you fear she is doing, she feels close enough to you to say them to your face…and later regret them, only adding to her own misery.

Yes, her unnecessary comments stung but please, just cut her some slack.
Concentrate on your own joyful situation and downplay her lashing out if you possibly can.
You have so many blessings in your life while hers feels ugly, sad and hopeless by now. Give her time to come round to the news when she can, in her own way.

The sister was in her early 30s when she made all the shitty comments to the OP about her partner, future marriage and so on. What was her excuse then?

If your sister wanted children that much she should have called time on her previous relationship. At least she has the opportunity to be a step-parent to her husband's children. I'm afraid I find her attitude very bitter and self-indulgent. What difference does it make to her whether you have 1 child or 25? She is lucky to be surrounded by a large extended family and can be a wonderful auntie/godmother. Of course it is sad for her if she really wanted to be a mother but she had choices and what she chose was not your fault.

Well she is obviously been totally unreasonable although I understand it comes from her being so hurt from not being able to conceive. My best friend’s IVF failed and I found out I was pregnant weeks later. She couldn’t have been happier for me even though I felt so terrible about it. I often think now how nice it would have been for us to have children the same age but it wasnt meant to be.
I guess people handle their grief differently, but you should not be made to feel guilty about having children.