AIBU to expect my sister to accept my fourth pregnancy when she is child free not by choice ?

[TheFunnyPoet]

My husband and I have been together for 11 years and married for 9. He is 49 and I’m 38.
He has two older children from his previous marriage, both of whom are still very much part of our household. They split their time between us and their mum, although realistically they’re here a lot. So although this will technically be my husband and my fourth child together, we already have a very full house. We’ve recently announced that we’re expecting our fourth baby together.

I’m obviously over the moon. This baby was planned, wanted and very much conceived because we both genuinely wanted another child. This is our last DH has since had a vasectomy.My sister, however, has taken the news really badly.She’s 44 and with a lovely partner who does have children. She was married for quite a long time to her ex, and apparently he had always told her that he “might” want children eventually. She waited because she loved him and trusted that he would change his mind.He never did.
They eventually separated and divorced and she’s now in the position of being childless when having children is something she desperately wants.

She has said to me that every single one of my pregnancies has felt like a punch in the stomach because I already have three children and am now having a fourth.
I completely understand that she’s hurting, and I have tried to be sensitive. I don't constantly talk about the pregnancy around her I’ve even avoided discussing names etc.
But she has now basically said that she feels I’m being incredibly insensitive by having another baby when I know how desperately she wants one.

This is where I’m struggling.I feel awful for her. I genuinely do. I can’t imagine wanting a child for years and not having one.
But at the same time, what exactly am I
supposed to do? My sister's situation isn't something I can fix. I can't give her my baby, and I don't think it's reasonable for me to not have my baby because she hasn't been able to have one.And, if I'm being completely honest, there is a part of me that feels angry because she chose to stay with a man for years who she knew was ambivalent about having children. She says he manipulated her and strung her along, whereas I think at some point she also had to make a choice about whether to stay.

I haven’t said that last part to her because I know it would be incredibly hurtful.
My husband thinks I’m being far too considerate already and says that while we should obviously be kind to her, our family planning is nobody else’s business.
My mum, however, has told me I need to “put myself in my sister’s shoes” and perhaps accept that she might not want much contact with me during the pregnancy or after the baby is born. I am fine with no contact my life shouldn’t stop for her to be happy.

I’m finding that difficult because we’ve always been very close, and I don't want my sister to resent my baby before he/she is even born.

I’m not asking whether I should have had the baby that ship has obviously sailed. I’m asking whether I’m being unreasonable in expecting my sister to accept that I’m allowed to be happy about my pregnancy despite knowing how painful it is for her.

Op, as unfair as this feels I do think you should just accept that this is a ‘her’ issue, and that whilst of course you should not change any of your life plans due to your sisters circumstances, the reality is that she is grieving and lashing out at you. This doesn’t make it fair or right - you absolutely should celebrate your much loved and wanted pregnancy, but knowing deep down it’s not about you and is more her grief may help. For what it’s worth, I do understand why you feel fustrated - when I was pregnant with my first much wanted and loved baby after a loss I found out she was a girl. I genuinely couldn’t care less about the gender - was just overjoyed baby was healthy. My cousin was a similar gestation with her third and a family member actually asked me not appear too happy about this as my cousin had just found out hers was a boy and had gender disappointment! I remember being astounded by the entitlement 🙈

Why is she choosing not to have a baby now ? She is 44 , I just had a child at 44 and plenty women do .
personally while I can understand this might be hard for her I think your husband is spot on here .

Totally agree.

neither of you are being unreasonable. I guess try to hold on to the fact that you are in an enviable position as far as she is concerned. So whilst you are not being unreasonable at all, and you shouldn’t be going out of your way to pretend it’s not happening/changing anything, your sister is hurting.

hopefully, she’ll gradually accept things are what they are. All you can do is be there when she does show up.

in the meantime, enjoy your family and you husband. And amazing luck for the rest of the pregnancy.

And there speaks a woman who has no idea what it's like to be childless. Nieces and nephews are in no way a substitute for your own children.

I was TTC for many years with multiple mc, before I had my child. My relationship with my sister did suffer when she had her child; it just hurt so much.

Alot of people on this post lack a balance in their empathy - her fault for staying in a relationship and being strung along ! Is it that easy to walk away from someone you were hoping to have a child with - empathising with one persons pain and judging another’s - advice on how to mend and heal would be more useful better than encouraging distance - as this will ripple with grandparents and other family dynamics .. good luck to all the wounded parties …having just lost a sibling a few weeks ago … loss and grief are difficult roads to travel alone

I disagree. The sister is being unreasonable in her nastiness. Her pain is not justification for that level of nastiness.

I am sure your sister will be happy for you and will love her new niece/nephew in time but she is coming to terms with the fact that you are having another child. When you cannot conceive or are childless for whatever reason when you dearly want children, it is hugely painful and all consuming in a way that it is hard to describe to someone who has a number of kids and no problem in conceiving.
Obviously what she said is not reasonable but it came from a place of pain. Yes, it would’ve been better for her to keep it to herself. But I think you just have to give her some grace and time. To say that “surely she’d be happy to have more nephews and nieces” really doesn’t get the pain of not being able to have a child of your own.

The OP has said they also have an older sister who has 4 chidren, to whom the childfree middle sister would never dare say the kind of nasty things she does to the OP. Why does the OP have to be the one to continually take the shitty comments and to just feel grateful for having met someone who wanted to have children with her and so suck it up?

She doesn't have to be happy for you. She's allowed to be sad for herself.

Obviously no but you aren't in the right frame of mind when you are suffering years of infertility. Questions like yours show how you don't understand infertility. It can cause serious mental health issues possibly suicide.

The OP says she has been with her husband for 11 years. The sister was making shitty comments to the OP when she met and married her husband. The sister will have been early 30s. What was her excuse then? It wasn't infertility.

Sister is unreasonable. Ok to have regrets/ be sad, but to expect anyone else to not have a child because she has no child is not only unreasonable, it’s insane. The whole world does not revolve around her. She must see mothers with children outside , in shops etc all the time. Why should her sister feel constrained when the rest of the world carries on regardless?

She made choices. Wrong choices. Nobody else should have to pay for her wrong choices.

Honestly, you both sound petty and spiteful. You seem stuck in the jealousies and rivalries of your childhood. It sounds like your older sister has grown out of it, hence her decision not to participate. Probably best that you both distance yourselves from each other, because you seem to bring out the worst in one another — petty jealousy, resentment and constant one-upmanship.

@BrillantBriony you certainly sound very spiteful and petty with that spectacularly unhelpful post just so you can get a dig in at people you don't even know. Awful.

Honestly OP, dump your sister and don't look back. Until she can accept that her unhappiness is of her own making, she'll keep trying to poison your happiness and that of every other mother around her. Your other sister seems to have successfully distanced herself, perhaps she can give you some pointers.

The gaslighting you're getting on this thread is ridiculous. Your sister needs serious therapy, but it's easier to be nasty, I guess, so she's unlikely to change. Congratulations on your pregnancy, and your great big happy family!

OP she's made a few mildly insensitive comments while she's really hurting, I'm sure it's a tiny fraction of the hurt and pain she's feeling. Cut her some slack.

You actually don't sound very sensitive at all to her situation and emotions, practically blaming her for not having her own kids by staying with her ex too long. Guess what, my friend dumped her ex in the same situation as your sister then was single for 10 years! Leaving that relationship was no guarantee it would have happened for her. Whatever the reasons, she is child free not through choice.

Yes ideally she would be nothing but happy and supportive for you, but you can't dictate someone else's feelings.

“Yes thank you we have a very fulfilling sex life”

I think two things can be true. Your sister can be happy for you in an abstract way and also gutted that one of the experiences she desperately wanted (having a baby, Becoming a mum) hasn’t happened for her. She’s lashing out at the wrong person she should be raging at her ex but you are right in front of her. Just hold the line and keep her accountable “that’s an unkind thing to say,” “mate our sex life isn’t yours to question - I don’t ask about yours” “I can see you are upset, why don’t we finish up our lunch/dinner/coffee and you can reach out when you are ready”. She doesn’t get to be unkind to you/ you don’t have to stay and be her verbal punching bag but equally I’m sure you can understand that it may be hard for her to see you living thr life she wanted so much.

congrats on your pregnancy!

I feel really sorry for sister.
Women have been known to kill themselves because they didn’t have children for whatever reason.
She must feel like screaming, trapped between 2sisters who have four kids each. S he’s in literal agony. Nice that her GP BIL has empathy for her. Oh he doesn’t.
i know how desperate i felt after a miscarriage then a stillbirth.
l don’t know how I would have managed if I hadn’t had DD .
For all of-the ‘ she’s toxic’ ‘she should be happy foryou’ posts I just see a desperately sad woman who is unhappy beyond words.
But yeah OP - you just cut her off . Who needs a sister when you have so many kids?

Oh come off it. The sister is being downright nasty. Her hurt at not having children is no excuse for that.

But could I be right?
No. You don’t know how she would have behaved if she had kids and op didn’t based some dynamics you have seen. Have you considered that maybe it’s op who is playing the dynamic of rubbing it in.

I think you can’t let that sex comment go. You have mentioned it 3 times already in the post. Cut her off if she bothers you so much, in any case you said above that this will be end of relationship with her and that she is not a nice person. Honestly, your husband seems to be more under to suggest her being Godmother of your children. But you shut down that idea without asking her. You just want her to be happy for you. In an ideal world yes she would have happy for you, and you would have more sympathetic to her. But it’s not an ideal world. Cut her off but you could have told her how her comments made you feel and that she needs therapy than slagging her off here.

We don’t know if sister said in a nasty way.
She told op that he is older than her and he already has kids. It’s not insulting people say that here all the time that they would never get together with a man with kids or have a large age gap. OP must be 27 and her husband 38 then.

Honestly, I don’t understand why infertility or childlessness is seen by some to be a cast-iron excuse for women to behave horribly towards others with impunity, for however long they wish. And everyone around it must “cut them some slack” and tolerate it, It really isn’t right- understanding a woman taking a step back from a pregnant friend or relative is fine, but suggesting others should be an infertile/ childless woman’s emotional/verbal punch bag because “she’s in pain” is a totally different matter. It’s not ok to treat others badly and expect there to be no consequences.

Many people are dealing with terrible, painful situations every day and manage to be reasonable to those around them. And are expected to be so, too. I don’t think infertility or childlessness should give anyone immunity from the consequences of their behaviour.

The truth is, if it persists others will walk away. Might not be immediately, and family likely to stick around longest- but for most people there will be be a point where they just can’t put up with it any more. Surely, rather than tolerate in silence (in the name of “being kind”) and becoming steadily more resentful or hurt, it would be far better to let the woman know that what she is doing is hurtful/rude etc (doesn’t have to be done aggressively or confrontationally or by being rude) and you’d like it to stop? I wish I/we had done this earlier with my ex-friend- I wonder if we had been more direct with her earlier on whether that might have prevented the escalation (as she’s have had to stop and think about what was said to her/helped her realise how bad things were getting), and whether that might have prevented her losing almost her entire friendship group due to her behaviour. I don’t regret ending the friendship- it simply wasn’t salvageable- but I do wonder if we all made excuses/tried to be kind for too long.

Many people are dealing with terrible, painful situations every day and manage to be reasonable to those around them. And are expected to be so.

In Op’s shoes I’d simply lessen contact. Next time your sister says something unkind or rude, call her out and suggest it would be better if you just kept out of contact until she felt able to be around you without it descending into this sort of situation. Put the ball back in her court to either address how she behaves or give her the chance to step back until she feels it id manageable, then you can decide what relationship will look like going forward.

The OP said it was nasty and that the sister continued to make nasty comments. If you don't want to believe the OP that's up to you, but you don't know her or her sister so it's pointless you posting on the thread if you're not going to give credence to the OP's testimony.

Agree with several other posters here. You have been sensitive to her feelings and she has been able to express them. But she should also be sensitive to yours and you should be able to express yours. You could let her know that you understand but it's not your fault and that you're feeling you have to keep your feelings hidden, and that you would love to include her in your loving family times (at least some of them). How she then behaves is up to her.
And tell your mum that as much as you understand, you don't have to miserable and you are allowed to enjoy your baby!