AIBU to expect my sister to accept my fourth pregnancy when she is child free not by choice ?

[TheFunnyPoet]

My husband and I have been together for 11 years and married for 9. He is 49 and I’m 38.
He has two older children from his previous marriage, both of whom are still very much part of our household. They split their time between us and their mum, although realistically they’re here a lot. So although this will technically be my husband and my fourth child together, we already have a very full house. We’ve recently announced that we’re expecting our fourth baby together.

I’m obviously over the moon. This baby was planned, wanted and very much conceived because we both genuinely wanted another child. This is our last DH has since had a vasectomy.My sister, however, has taken the news really badly.She’s 44 and with a lovely partner who does have children. She was married for quite a long time to her ex, and apparently he had always told her that he “might” want children eventually. She waited because she loved him and trusted that he would change his mind.He never did.
They eventually separated and divorced and she’s now in the position of being childless when having children is something she desperately wants.

She has said to me that every single one of my pregnancies has felt like a punch in the stomach because I already have three children and am now having a fourth.
I completely understand that she’s hurting, and I have tried to be sensitive. I don't constantly talk about the pregnancy around her I’ve even avoided discussing names etc.
But she has now basically said that she feels I’m being incredibly insensitive by having another baby when I know how desperately she wants one.

This is where I’m struggling.I feel awful for her. I genuinely do. I can’t imagine wanting a child for years and not having one.
But at the same time, what exactly am I
supposed to do? My sister's situation isn't something I can fix. I can't give her my baby, and I don't think it's reasonable for me to not have my baby because she hasn't been able to have one.And, if I'm being completely honest, there is a part of me that feels angry because she chose to stay with a man for years who she knew was ambivalent about having children. She says he manipulated her and strung her along, whereas I think at some point she also had to make a choice about whether to stay.

I haven’t said that last part to her because I know it would be incredibly hurtful.
My husband thinks I’m being far too considerate already and says that while we should obviously be kind to her, our family planning is nobody else’s business.
My mum, however, has told me I need to “put myself in my sister’s shoes” and perhaps accept that she might not want much contact with me during the pregnancy or after the baby is born. I am fine with no contact my life shouldn’t stop for her to be happy.

I’m finding that difficult because we’ve always been very close, and I don't want my sister to resent my baby before he/she is even born.

I’m not asking whether I should have had the baby that ship has obviously sailed. I’m asking whether I’m being unreasonable in expecting my sister to accept that I’m allowed to be happy about my pregnancy despite knowing how painful it is for her.

Hope husband has a good enough job to pay for the kids.

Her sister isn’t infertile

OP, you are not close to your sister.
She doesn't like you and sounds very nasty.
She made bad choices in her life and begrudges yours.

Your mother supporting her views is worse.
I think you need to completely step away from your sister, as she is poison in your life.

Also restrict how much you see your mother who encourages her.

Stop accepting such nastiness from your family.
Focus on your own family.
God knows how badly she speaks about you behind your back, because she is vicious to your face.

Do NOT ask her to be godmother either.

The inability to have a child when you would like one due to circumstance, rather than any medical issue is often described as social infertility.

I assume she's bothered because her sister is being extremely nasty to her.

This is where you lose me. This is either some kind of goady post, or you are monumentally crass, ill informed and callous.

Nieces and nephews are not a consolation for your sister being unable to have children. It sounds like she is right to walk away of this is your attitude.

This is exactly what close sisters or close friends do. Vent their inner feeling and thoughts to each other, but have the social graces not to say those things out loud to others, particularly where it will be hurtful. It is a really good way to manage your emotions in a safe space. I’m sorry you’ve never had someone you can do that with. It seems neither has she, she just didn’t know it.

The OP has explained that she doesn't mean she should be happy to have neices and nephews as a consolation prize, but should be happy for her sisters having their children rather than actively wishing that they didn't.

I mean, you can all focus on that. Or you can look at the rest of the posts and realise that this is not just about the sister's lack of children. It doesn't sound like she's ever going to be happy for the OP or for anyone else.

This situation doesn’t sit in that definition either.

Your sister feels how she feels as you feel how you feel about her situation, where she is crossing a line is by discussing these feelings inappropriately with you. You have things that you hold back on saying to her because you know they are hurtful but she does not give you the same level of respect.

She should be working through these feelings with someone more appropriate, her partner, a therapist.

It is truly heartbreaking that she has not had a longed for child but that is not a reason for her to project that hurt onto you inappropriately.

Don’t participate in these conversations with her anymore. You are not responsible for her feelings.

Social infertility isn't the same as infertility. Personally I would have felt you were rubbing my nose in with having child after child when I was going through infertility.

This sounds like a very messy situation. When I lost my 4th baby I had a really good friend who was due 2 weeks before me, we had been bump buddies which was lovely. She was amazing and messaged me saying, I know you will find it hard to see me so the ball is in your court, just let me know what you want/need and I'll follow your lead. It was so supportive and made an awful situation a little easier. Sounds like you need to leave it up to her a little, understand she's hurting and you can't change that for her.
I also know the snarky comments people make when you're expecting your 4th (very much planned and wanted) baby and that can make all this stuff harder. It can be sad to feel like not everyone is excited to meet your brand new little person, but focus on your own wee family for just now 😊

That's the problem with narcissistic personality styles - they feel that everything anyone else does is somehow related to them.

Seriously? So you expected all of your family and friends to forego having children just because you couldn’t and if they didn’t, you believed they were having dc it to spite you?

Would you carry a baby for her? Has she thought about surrogacy or adoption?

Sorry, her ex is a wanker and you feel guilty? Naaa, nae chance. Congratulations!!!!!

The OP has already said no to this question in the thread (not from the sister) but in any case, no matter what your feelings on surrogacy, it would be a terrible idea for the OP to even consider getting in that situation with her sister.

So your sister has married another man who also doesn’t want children because he’s already had a couple with his ex?

Or is it that she is older than you and has been ttc with her new husband and it’s just not happening?

This is not the same though as she IS childless by choice!!! Did you not read the ops post where she said she CHOSE to stay with a man who didn’t want children until it was too late? She could have left, got another partner or even a sperm donor and had a baby but she CHOSE to stay with him instead!!

Nobody on this overcrowded planet is "entitled to have as many babies as they please," not even if they pay for every single thing for every child they have, their education, their medical bills etc etc. Over-population is the root cause of most of the planet's problems, and family allowances and other hand-outs should be stopped. Why should people be rewarded because they had sex without using contraception? Why should anyone else have to pay for the results of somebody's sex life???

Hoping people ignore the last goady post and focus on the OP and her sister.

You think someone else should not have children because you can’t?

She's allowed to be upset that you have choldren and she doesn't, however her entitlement ends there, she definitely does not have the right to be disrespectful and rude towards you, you can def call her out on that

I think she’s the one in far more pain here! This is really really massive! If I was you and this was my sister I’d be having a child for her. Honestly. Please consider doing this for her.

Actually we have an alarming birth crisis. People need to be having more babies, not less. The problem is people are living too long.

Maybe we should have a cut off.