AIBU to expect my sister to accept my fourth pregnancy when she is child free not by choice ?

[TheFunnyPoet]

My husband and I have been together for 11 years and married for 9. He is 49 and I’m 38.
He has two older children from his previous marriage, both of whom are still very much part of our household. They split their time between us and their mum, although realistically they’re here a lot. So although this will technically be my husband and my fourth child together, we already have a very full house. We’ve recently announced that we’re expecting our fourth baby together.

I’m obviously over the moon. This baby was planned, wanted and very much conceived because we both genuinely wanted another child. This is our last DH has since had a vasectomy.My sister, however, has taken the news really badly.She’s 44 and with a lovely partner who does have children. She was married for quite a long time to her ex, and apparently he had always told her that he “might” want children eventually. She waited because she loved him and trusted that he would change his mind.He never did.
They eventually separated and divorced and she’s now in the position of being childless when having children is something she desperately wants.

She has said to me that every single one of my pregnancies has felt like a punch in the stomach because I already have three children and am now having a fourth.
I completely understand that she’s hurting, and I have tried to be sensitive. I don't constantly talk about the pregnancy around her I’ve even avoided discussing names etc.
But she has now basically said that she feels I’m being incredibly insensitive by having another baby when I know how desperately she wants one.

This is where I’m struggling.I feel awful for her. I genuinely do. I can’t imagine wanting a child for years and not having one.
But at the same time, what exactly am I
supposed to do? My sister's situation isn't something I can fix. I can't give her my baby, and I don't think it's reasonable for me to not have my baby because she hasn't been able to have one.And, if I'm being completely honest, there is a part of me that feels angry because she chose to stay with a man for years who she knew was ambivalent about having children. She says he manipulated her and strung her along, whereas I think at some point she also had to make a choice about whether to stay.

I haven’t said that last part to her because I know it would be incredibly hurtful.
My husband thinks I’m being far too considerate already and says that while we should obviously be kind to her, our family planning is nobody else’s business.
My mum, however, has told me I need to “put myself in my sister’s shoes” and perhaps accept that she might not want much contact with me during the pregnancy or after the baby is born. I am fine with no contact my life shouldn’t stop for her to be happy.

I’m finding that difficult because we’ve always been very close, and I don't want my sister to resent my baby before he/she is even born.

I’m not asking whether I should have had the baby that ship has obviously sailed. I’m asking whether I’m being unreasonable in expecting my sister to accept that I’m allowed to be happy about my pregnancy despite knowing how painful it is for her.

This.

Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy. Wishing you and your baby all the very best with the next few months and the delivery.

OP your sister seems to be taking her resentment out on you much more than on your elder sister and perhaps its no coincidence that she gets more push back from your elder sister. And if that is the case I would be a bit fed up with a mum who says things like "put yourself in her shoes" and instructs you to lay low, basically keep yourself and your baby out of the way.

and as @Catshaveiteasy says
" Your sister needs intensive therapy. Even if she somehow persuaded you not to have another child, how would that make her happier? It's a totally mean attitude that serves no one"

It feels to me that she has transferred the resentment she feels for her ex who refused to have children and then went on to have two with another woman (and who can blame for feeling resentment about that) but it feel like she's transfering that onto you as the nearest person she can say things to without too much pushback.

Whilst I feel incredibly sorry for her, it doesn't mean that you have to wear sackcloth and ashes.

When she sends you nasty messages about friends and the nice ones about them on facebook. I would call her out t. You don't want to hear any more of these nasty comments about her friends.. Because it is her way of saying it to you too I think. So ask her to stop.

and as @Catshaveiteasy says
" Your sister needs intensive therapy. Even if she somehow persuaded you not to have another child, how would that make her happier? It's a totally mean attitude that serves no one"

At the end of the day though, you can't change the facts and can only try to do what seems right, whilst still being compassionate, because its unlikely that your DM and Dsis will change dramatically.

I really don’t agree that your sister has Carte Blanche to say and do whatever she likes because she is upset that she is childless, whilst her sister is pregnant for the 4th time. I’m not really sure you can count this as infertility, as such, but is nevertheless obviously very painful for OP’s sister.

However, whilst being hurt is the reason for her behaviour, it simply does not give her an excuse for hurtful behaviour and horrible comments. It just doesn’t . She can be sad, she can take a step back from her sister (as long as she doesn’t try to freeze her out from family events, for example), she can even ask her sister for time and space- but she absolutely does not get to do and say hurtful things without consequence forevermore.

I also think it might, ultimately, be counterproductive to just continually absorb any unpleasantness and not ever challenge it. You can counter unpleasantness, and set boundaries as to what you can and cannot tolerate, without being unkind.

I had a situation not so long ago where a friend lost almost all of our friendship group because of her behaviour related to infertility. I sometimes wonder if she had not been pandered to and treated with kid gloves for so long- even when her behaviour was absolutely atrocious- whether it might have prompted her to get help or made her more open to changing her behaviour. It might not have, of course, but I think we tolerated behaviour for far longer than we should have. I don’t think being excessively kind and understanding helped her (or anybody else) in the long run. In fact, I also think it meant when it all came crashing down there was so much going before, that it reconciliation was totally off the cards with many (and unsuccessful for those who did try).

I can totally understand why your sister feels how she does.
However it doesn't give her the right to be nasty to you.
Give her space and leave her to it.

Be proactive and cut her out of your life. No way she should dictate your personal business. However much she wants a child, it isn’t your fault she hasn’t had one. The audacity.

Your sister is being childish.

Life is chock full of disappointments and things that don’t go our way. It is up to her to manage her grief and sadness over this, rather than spewing it on to you.

It would be different if you were insensitive to her, but that’s not the case.

From your post about her treatment of you over the years, in my opinion she is just bitterly jealous of you full stop. She chose to stay with a man who prevaricated about children and now regrets her choice and is now punishing you. Enjoy your family and pregnancy you won't change her, there will always be something for her to hate on with your life.

I think your husband is a fool to have more children than he can sensibly be a good father to.

I have every sympathy with your sister and what must be immeasurable pain for her

I don't think you can ask her to be happy for you. I think the kindest thing is to accept she may need to keep her distance

I know 2 sisters that were in this situation. Sister 1 couldn't conceive and sister 2 became pregnant.
Sister 1 couldn't be in the same room as Sister 2, she was devastated, wouldn't meet the baby, cut off the relationship for about 3 years, never met her nephew.

After 3 years she had a child via surrogacy and wanted to rekindle the relationship and have the kids grow close. Graciously Sister 2 accepted her back in her life and they are all very close but I certainly couldn't be so forgiving.

She should have had therapy to work through her feelings.
Life is hard but an adult but you should have the wisdom and logic to seperate the fact you can't have children and the grief that brings and know at the same time there's a joy for your sister to have her child, it's very sad.

@TheFunnyPoet you are totally NBU!

She has said to me that every single one of my pregnancies has felt like a punch in the stomach because I already have three children and am now having a fourth.
This is her problem to resolve, sounds like she needs therapy

But she has now basically said that she feels I’m being incredibly insensitive by having another baby when I know how desperately she wants one.
This is jaw-droppingly insensitive - on her part, I mean. Does she seriously expect you not to have a baby that you want just because it makes her a bit sad?

My husband thinks I’m being far too considerate already and says that while we should obviously be kind to her, our family planning is nobody else’s business.
And your husband is 100% spot on. Listen to him.

My mum, however, has told me I need to “put myself in my sister’s shoes” and perhaps accept that she might not want much contact with me during the pregnancy or after the baby is born. I am fine with no contact my life shouldn’t stop for her to be happy.
I think you are trying incredibly hard to do exactly what your mum suggests. Has she suggested that your sister might try to put herself in your shoes?

Obviously, you can't stop the baby now, it's on its way. You are definitely doing all you can - trying to be sensitive to your sister's feelings and accepting you might not see so much of her. There's not much more you CAN do, and nobody should be making you feel guilty about this baby.

Good luck OP - stick to your guns!

Her hurt is completely understandable but she shouldn’t punish you for her decisions and the consequences of them, or ruin what should be a happy time for you. I’m sure she has others in her life she could moan about you too so it feels like she’s actively chosen to lash out at you to make herself better. From your other comments though that’s been an ongoing pattern of behaviour from her so not surprising.

This is what I alluded to in my previous comment .

Instead of embracing the dns the sister already has , it sounds like she is willing to estrange herself due to her turmoil over not having dc of her own .

The children shouldn't suffer .

I think you do not know my husband or what kind of father he is. He grew up in household of 6 children and throughly loved it is close to both his parents and feels that they did their job very well in raising him. Everyone has different capacities.

His eldest children are old enough to make their decision and still choose to live in both houses. One just received their gcse yesterday all 9s but one subject and the other is on a gap year before applying for medicine, working and volunteering with 3 A stars and an A in their A levels. Husband runs his own gp practice with a partner. I think his children turned out pretty damn well and I cannot take credit for that. That was my husband and his ex wife.

I do understand but also think she is old enough to be able to regulate her emotions. Someone who even sends their sister snarky messages when their friends announce pregnancy or give birth then on their social media pretends to congratulate them is not a kind person at all. You shouldn’t use your pain as an excuse.

To be honest it sounds like (obvioiusly just with the information posted here), it's the OP who could do with some therapy. The comments about being greedy and insensitive for getting pregnant might be the thing that has given the OP a sliver of light amongst what I think is the FOG she's probably always been in with her big sister. She's starting to wonder if the sister makes similar comments about her behind her back to the comments she makes about her friends behind their backs... and she's probably right to do so. As said before, the OP would be wise to distance herself. The sister lashes out from a place of misery, the OP can hopefully hold some compassion for that, all the while being sure to protec her own wellbeing.

It's not a Top Trumps of pain. Her pain at not having children has not been caused by the OP. The OP has done nothing unreasonable. However, the sister has deliberately set out to cause pain to the op and that is inexcusable.

Nobody can truly understand what another person is going through as we all react and feel differently to similar circumstances. That pain the sister has does not justify cruelty to the op.

And no, the op is not making her sister's life more difficult any more than someone without a long term illness is making the life of someone with a long term illness more difficult. Obviously the op should be tactful (it sounds like she is) in the same way one would be with someone with an illness that limits them in some way but beyond that she should live her life as she chooses.

You say that you don't think her comments are ok but yet you spend the entire post excusing the sister's behaviour. The vast majority of people suffering infertility/long term illness etc manage to go through life without blaming others for their grief. Yes, they may feel jealous, feel that it is unfair, feel life is crap but they know others are not to blame so while they may need to withdraw for a time, they don't take their upset out on innocent bystanders.

So you think it’s reasonable that the sister should be abusive to the op because her ex had children with someone else?

Her being in pain does not give her the right to blame others for her situation and the decisions she herself made.

YANBU. It’s heartbreaking for your sister but she can keep her distance for a while. You’re not obliged to limit your family for her sake, and it wouldn’t make any difference to her fertility anyway!

I’m so bored of the prevailing narrative that we have to pussyfoot around others all the time, or hide what’s happening to us so others don’t feel sad.

Of course, don’t rub it in her face, but you have nothing to feel guilty about. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

Whilst it wasn't infertility, I am the bereaved mother of my very loved twins - stillbirth and NICU death the week of their birth. I had no living children to go home to the day i walked out of the hospital with my husband holding their tiny coffin. Everyone around me was pregnant especially my lovely SIL's. We all got married at the same time and pregnant within months of each other, but sadly my babies passed away. I felt absolute despair when their lovely babies were born , it didnt mean I hated them, if course not, but I was so broken from my own grief, burrying my children, coming home to a house full of their things but not them.

It took time and I did eventually bring home my baby. Infertility is a loss too, it can be an invisible one. All I can say is when you want that baby so much, you cant think straight. I'm sorry she has been unkind but I would cut her some slack. My twins are almost three years gone now. There isn't a day i dont think about them or try to hold back the tears. This is a grief for her. Congrats on your pregnancy and honestly, she needs space and time, as do you xx

Obviously you can't be expected not to have another baby because it is insensitive-and it is, very,
By the same token you cannot expect your sister not to be upset and bitter, which may extend to resenting your children- there is nothing you can do about that, you have to just accept it, the same as your sister has to accept she will never have a child.
Bringing up that she has been less lucky with parners will definitely not help either- you have to suck it up, see a lot less of your sister and try to seem less smug when you do.

I experienced grief and I don't say that lightly - but I didn't take it out on others. However, I did try to avoid situations that I found difficult.

You surely can’t be this naive? I had a bloody awful year when SIL was pregnant and first had DN before we finally managed to conceive DS. And yes, she should have left the ex years ago, but it’s too late now and she is probably mired in misery. It was bad enough for me and I was 32.

It’s not just the longing for a child, it’s also the sheer rage I felt at everyone who made (un)helpful suggestions and were clearly pitying me. Having a niece in NO WAY compensated for not having my own child.

Yeah this basically. You’ve said you understand that she’s hurting but the very fact you’ve conceived so many children so easily means you don’t understand at all.

I say this as someone who took six years and spent £30k trying to get pregnant. It’s a pain that you cannot describe and nobody who hasn’t been through it will ever get it.

Youre allowed to be happy, she’s allowed to be sad.

Sure, she’s allowed to be sad. But she is also being nasty to the op. Sadness does not justify nastiness.

Do you really want her in your life? She sounds toxic.

no ones pain is bigger than another’s. Op will have definitely had their own raft of emotional losses just by dint of the fact they’re on earth with other people. The sister is being spiteful. Thats the problem. And there is no room for that in safe relationships. Chances are the sister is spiteful about other things she feels disappointed about.

Why are you bothered? At the end of the day you have children and she doesn't. You can never understand what infertility feels like so give up trying.