AIBU to expect my sister to accept my fourth pregnancy when she is child free not by choice ?

[TheFunnyPoet]

My husband and I have been together for 11 years and married for 9. He is 49 and I’m 38.
He has two older children from his previous marriage, both of whom are still very much part of our household. They split their time between us and their mum, although realistically they’re here a lot. So although this will technically be my husband and my fourth child together, we already have a very full house. We’ve recently announced that we’re expecting our fourth baby together.

I’m obviously over the moon. This baby was planned, wanted and very much conceived because we both genuinely wanted another child. This is our last DH has since had a vasectomy.My sister, however, has taken the news really badly.She’s 44 and with a lovely partner who does have children. She was married for quite a long time to her ex, and apparently he had always told her that he “might” want children eventually. She waited because she loved him and trusted that he would change his mind.He never did.
They eventually separated and divorced and she’s now in the position of being childless when having children is something she desperately wants.

She has said to me that every single one of my pregnancies has felt like a punch in the stomach because I already have three children and am now having a fourth.
I completely understand that she’s hurting, and I have tried to be sensitive. I don't constantly talk about the pregnancy around her I’ve even avoided discussing names etc.
But she has now basically said that she feels I’m being incredibly insensitive by having another baby when I know how desperately she wants one.

This is where I’m struggling.I feel awful for her. I genuinely do. I can’t imagine wanting a child for years and not having one.
But at the same time, what exactly am I
supposed to do? My sister's situation isn't something I can fix. I can't give her my baby, and I don't think it's reasonable for me to not have my baby because she hasn't been able to have one.And, if I'm being completely honest, there is a part of me that feels angry because she chose to stay with a man for years who she knew was ambivalent about having children. She says he manipulated her and strung her along, whereas I think at some point she also had to make a choice about whether to stay.

I haven’t said that last part to her because I know it would be incredibly hurtful.
My husband thinks I’m being far too considerate already and says that while we should obviously be kind to her, our family planning is nobody else’s business.
My mum, however, has told me I need to “put myself in my sister’s shoes” and perhaps accept that she might not want much contact with me during the pregnancy or after the baby is born. I am fine with no contact my life shouldn’t stop for her to be happy.

I’m finding that difficult because we’ve always been very close, and I don't want my sister to resent my baby before he/she is even born.

I’m not asking whether I should have had the baby that ship has obviously sailed. I’m asking whether I’m being unreasonable in expecting my sister to accept that I’m allowed to be happy about my pregnancy despite knowing how painful it is for her.

Life is a bit more complicated than that. She wants children. She is childless and doesn't want to be. Therefore she is childless not by choice.

She might have made some bad decision that have led her there, it doesn't mean she is now happy being childless.

I think your relationship with her is over. Just accept it.

That is NO excuse. It is also no excuse to mistreat people if one suffers from PMS, has a headache or had a bad day! People need to stop taking their bad moods out on other people! It is rude and neurotic behaviour!

I had to go through IVF fo have both my children and was happy for my friends and relatives to have children / who had children while we struggled.

I was somewhat offended when other people were overly sensitive about not mentioning children around us, because I felt that it indicated that they found us to be too self-absorbed and immature to be happy for them.

We later found that it is, unfortunately, very normal for people going through infertility to be too self-absorbed and immature to be happy for their friends and family members who have children. Just because so many people act like that doesn't make it ok.

Infertility is a medical issue. Lots of people have medical issues, more serious ones than this. They don't go around being a twat to people because of it.

Yanbu OP. What she said to you is horrible.

Her sister said that it should.

I wouldn’t be at all surprised if she’s having or has had fertility treatment with her partner and it’s not working. This sounds like it’s still a very live issue to her. You’ve made an assumption that they’ve not tried as he already has kids but so does your husband? And he went on to have tonnes more with you.

It’s hard but you just need to develop even more compassion for her. I had a friend completely cut me off when I finally got pregnant and it sucked but really she’s the one making herself even more miserable and I only wish I could make it better for her.

You can't change the fact that you are lucky and your DSis feels sad.

Be mindful and listen to your DSis.
Encourage her to have a consultation with an IVF clinic. Would you offer an egg?

Ask your DSis if she would like to be Godmother.

I’ve been there (thankfully I’m not in her position anymore). It is painful to the core when you desperately want a child. Hold out the hand of compassion.

You can have compassion whilst still expecting to be happy about your own pregnancy, and your sil accepting that.

If OPs right that Dsis doesn't dare say anything to their other sister with 4 kids because of her being more 'firm', that leaves a bad taste in the mouth. I always become much less sympathetic to a person who's experiencing understandable sadness and suffering when they pick on a weaker target to take it out on.

I had my first child at 44. Similar, I was on/off with someone for years and although I will never know for sure I just think deep down that it wouldn't have been a problem fertility wise.
I resent it a bit that I didn't have more earlier but obv so happy now with my 7 year old . Just because I was on the old side, (but my amh levels were pretty high) Dr prescribed DHEA. Don't know if it helped or not but probably did. So if the reason she doesn't have a child yet at 44 was not due to any known fertility issues, that boat hasn't sailed yet. She needs to get AMH levels tested. If they're good, tell her to go for it (obv if she has a great fella and in a good place)

First, congratulations on your 4th pregnancy! Second, I think your sister needs to learn to deal with what seems like a case of jealousy. Of course, her situation is really hard, and she is justified to feel upset about that. However, I don’t think jealousy is a justified response or that it ever is a justified response. She needs to learn to work with these emotions and you should not be made to feel guilty for having children. In my own family, my grandmother’s sister could not have children due to a combination of medical and external reasons, and despite that she was a great aunt and treated her sister’s children as her own, and also her grandchildren as her own. She helped a lot with childcare too. I think that being an aunt helped her to deal to some extent with not being a parent herself. I think maybe talking with your sister and working on your relationship could be the answer. It seems like there may be some kind of hidden competition issue between you- were you compared to eachother as children a lot? I hope that with time the situation improves and that she learns to appreciate and enjoy her nieces and nephews. It’s really hard for her now, I do understand:(

Jusy for clarity, have you and your husband got three (soon to be four) kids together PLUS his two from his first marriage, or will it be four INCLUDING the ones from his first marriage?

There’s not really much you can do. You’ve got what she wants and she’s naturally jealous. There’s not really any cure for that unless she has a baby of her own. You’re delighted about your pregnancy so imagine the boot on the other foot.

Holding out the hand of compassion only to have it repeatedly bitten is not sustainable.

Yes but you give each other space, then if she comes back, you accept. I’m not saying keep trying to talk to her and get a battering.

Dear god no. That would be having a baby out of guilt and coercion and given the relationship between the sisters is crap it's be the nail in the coffin with all that stress.

Not to mention that surrogacy is abhorrent and cruel to the child in all situations.

How amount the sister has counselling instead?

I was once someone in that situation and I know how hard it can be to see those close to you falling pregnant while you don’t have the baby you want. But I was also happy for them and wished them well, I would never have dreamt of being so nasty about it all like your sister has.

I also witnessed something at work where the one worker had numerous miscarriages and the other was pregnant. The behaviour ruined her pregnancy for her and remember thinking what a spiteful thing to do.

Be happy with your blessing, go and enjoy your fourth pregnancy and be happy. If that means you don’t bother with your sister or even your mum, so be it. A decent human being should be able to to be happy for someone they love.

She made her own choices and they were clearly the wrong choices. That is something she needs to reconcile or even get counseling for. They are not your problem and it isn’t for you to carry her monkeys.

It sounds like the sister isn’t giving space if she’s messaging nasty stuff about women who are pregnant/have dc. There is only so much nastiness you can take before you have to protect yourself and step away. Sometimes ear has been said is unforgivable and the relationship can’t be recovered. Obviously I don’t know is that the situation with the op.

I was happy for my friends who had children while I was struggling and, but it was also a very painful reminder of what I couldn’t achieve. Especially when it was their third or fourth. IVF never worked for me and we had to stop as I was no longer producing any eggs despite being on the highest dose of drugs I could be.

I have seen it said that women who’ve had successful IVF are the least compassionate when it comes to other people’s infertility struggles and your post seems to bear that out. Honestly, comparing years of infertility to PMS, a headache or having a bad day! You really ought to know better.

With 6 kids under your roof and an almost 50 year old husband- well you will be busy. Congratulations. I can see how your sister would be jealous, 6 kids in a household is a lot when you can’t have any. Hopefully, she tries IVF and gets her baby. Otherwise makes peace with it. I wouldn’t expect her to be happy for you- why should she be? That’s for you and your husband to be. I would message her and see if she wants a coffee. I’d also give her some distance, so you have time to be excited for your last baby

Yeah, it is tricky. I think I’d try and ignore the silly nasty messages and let the relationship run its course for now. But if she came back and stopped saying nasty things, I’d welcome with open arms. But I don’t think OP should keep tolerating these snide comments. But I do think forgiveness is important (so long as the sister stops saying really horrible things….)

I think the point is more that whatever troubles you have is not an excuse for nastiness.

I have a long term illness that limits what I can do. I’m not a bitch to friends and family who can do things I would love to do so why are we expected to give a free pass to those suffering infertility?

What does the age of the husband have to do with how busy OP will be?

I don't know if you mentioned it anywhere OP but has she ever tried having a child or whats stopping her from trying for one now?