AIBU to keep reporting my sister over concerns for her children?

[Pipiscoming2023]

I live the other side of the country to my brother and sister, but keep in touch regularly with my brother and his family. My sister, however, doesn’t reply to any of my texts, won’t see me whenever I’m that way visiting etc.

The issue is she’s an alcoholic and she’s constantly in trouble. Shes 28 and has 4 kids, one of which is a new baby, and she’s back on the drink (and my brother thinks drugs too).

I get screenshots sent to me by one of my cousins who also lives near them, of things my sister is saying, videos of her drunk and fighting, just all the worst things.

My biggest worry is for those children. Both our parents were addicts and ended up dead before we were teenagers. I know how this goes. But my sister is refusing any kind of support from me (I’ve offered to take her to meetings, drs, just sit and have a cup of tea and a chat, everything).

It all came to a head earlier this year when I’d heard she was blind drunk the day after taking her new baby home and I decided to anonymously report her via crime stoppers. I felt awful but social services came over and by the sounds of it nothing was done.

She has since been out almost every weekend, keeps dropping the baby off at random peoples houses (according to my brother - she won’t let him have her because he’s so judgy she said), and last weekend ended up in a fight in front of her kids that led to a split lip and black eye.

Would IBU to keep reporting her? I know I’m not the only one that has but nothing seems to be happening. There must be a huge case spanning years, so why aren’t social protecting those children? And what can I do?

Unfortunately with my alcoholic sil and her dh both drug/drink problems . Social services only took the situation seriously when my nephew got a broken leg. It happened when they were intoxicated. Then things changed quickly and they did lose custody.

You need to look at what processes there are if your concerns are being ignored. If it is managed by a local authority, then there will be a stage 2 complaints procedure, and ultimately there is a stage beyond that.

Social services are so inconstant in their decision making it baffles me and my colleagues. We have had children with awful injuries and sometimes they let parents stay with them, sometimes they ban them or let them have supervised contact. It’s so random.

Sometimes SS change their mind and realise that actually these parents should never have been allowed to visit, you need to ask them to leave their child. Which is not in my remit.

I’ve known children we’ve strongly recommended don’t go home with their parents as we’ve been so concerned about the consequences but are told they have to be given a ‘chance’, or the parents are just going to take ‘less drugs’. I completely understand they’re over stretched. But some of the decision making really confuses us. And you can guarantee the families that are treated in the harshest way are the ones where the injuries are entirely accidental. It never makes sense.

It shouldn't, but it depends on how it's recorded. Also NSPCC do request feedback that decisions and assessments have been made. OP is worried whether she is being heard. In this situation there's no harm in doing both.

Also this.

100% report her. You are only enabling her drinking and maybe alcoholism if you don’t. It may also trigger her to get help and get well xx

It’s a really hard place to be but your sister and her children need help before something awful happens! I’ve just read a book called poor by katronia O’Sullivan and it was her story of being brought up in an environment similar to your sister. Don’t fell guilty for getting her help xx

No - please keep reporting her as long ss you are correct in your facts. They will give her an ultimatum eventually where she will be supportrd to care for her family

Not at all.

No you should definitely report her again & again. Tell safeguarding at the school too. Not only is impossible for them to be looked after properly with a drunk mum but this addiction is being learned by them too. You are not reporting out of spite, it’s out of care.

Have you been to Al-Anon/fam-anon? They will be able to help you better with the situation than folk on here although the responses are positive living with an untreated addict/alcoholic is extremely stressful
and makes loved ones unwell as the normal relationship dynamics become mixed up people with addictions can be needy and manipulative ( it’s just part of the progression of the illness ) you need to practice self care to make sure you are emotionally strong enough to reach out and help someone in this situation
the persistence of the denial is astonishing ( many pursue it into the gates of insanity and death )

it may be difficult but you need to let go if you have done what you can with social services and other avenues of help it is best to detach yourself from the situation without any guilt You can make sure that social services have a clear understanding of the situation there is a page on the website where you can ask for help for an adult anonymously you can decide to make the situation affirming asking others for advice is a great start!

Report to as many organisations as you can - hell, give me the details and I'll do it too. Keep records and tell SS, the doctors, school and the police that you will keep records and hold them personally responsible if anything happens to these children.

You have done the right thing and this is too important to ignore.

Have you arranged to go up and see her talk to her explain your concerns. Tell her your not judging and happy to help if you can but if the roles were reversed youd expect her to report you to keep the kids safe

On a weekend evening you can request a welfare check on the children by the police citing your concerns. The police have the power to immediately remove the children under a PPO, police protection order.
As a family be prepared to get a phone call asking that you take interim care of the children while Social Services build a case and if you'd be willing to keep all the children if she loses them.

I’d keep reporting it for definite but I’m just soo sad that nothing appears to of been done yet , they are all soo young these children . I’d make a huge nuisance of myself actually

There is a duty social worker in every locality on duty 24/7 find the phone number for your local one a NB d report every incident.

from personal/professional experience, albeit many years ago, sometimes Social Services don't quite do what they should. Also, if you were wanting to maintain anonymity, don't rely on Social Services. You may get a better outcome by reporting to NSPCC.

Just keep reporting. We reported my husbands cousin to social service at least 6
times for neglect before anything was done, and your story sounds similar to hers. Mum was often drinking, out meeting different men, bringing men home and passing out from drugs given them access to her children (thank god none of them took advantage and one of them actually rang the police himself to report). Her oldest son used to be so affectionate and loving to us which really worried me as we were effectively strangers to him. In the end her four children were removed. Three went with their dads and the oldest son with her mum.

I agree keep reporting it can, unfortunately, take years for anything substantial to be done. An extended family member eventually had her 2 children (at the time) removed. The older one went to live with his grandfather & uncle and the younger one went to one of her other uncles and aunt. The younger get one is now 7 is diagnosed as ADHD & has been accepted by CDC for referral for Foetal Alcohol Syndrome (FASD) as she has complex needs due to neglect & trauma among other influences. A further child has since been taken away and adopted within extended family and he also has issues.

Does the 3 year old attend a nursery, preschool or childminder as they also have a duty of care to report.

Please do not report anonymously, should it go to court for removal your details can be redacted in any reports/evidence presented to court.

You are allowed to say no.

God this makes me angry, why the hell do children get left in these situations.
Carry on reporting op, to social services, the police, the schools.. every time.
Her poor kids, I was dragged up by similar, it was shit.

They are.

Yes. You are being unreasonable. She needs family support, not punitive punishment. You say you live overseas but then say you could take her to a meeting or have a cup of tea. Which is it? Loving sisters step in and help. I assume she doesn’t have a partner as you don’t mention him. Solo mum. Four kids. Do the maths. Support. Your. Sister.

Why is that? NSPCC don't do anything, they just take the phone call and pass it onto the local authority children's front door team.

OP, it may be that something is going on and the family are already being monitored, you just aren't aware of it.

And for people going on about children being removed under PPO, things at home obviously weren't bad enough when the police visited otherwise they would have already done it.

My wife and I are foster parents and honestly the threshold is huge before the local authority will act. Often the children will already be classed as at risk but until the threshold is breached, no demonstrable action will be taken. Once breached action will be swift and decisive, with historic evidence from the school, family members etc. used for a Section 20 voluntary removal of the children from the parent, or if not willingly then the evidence will be presented to a judge and usually the children taken into care i. e. placed with foster parents. For these 4 children the annual costs will likely exceed £500k pa, and there is a desperate shortage of foster parents which reduces every year, whilst the number of children entering care rises every year. The cost and demand for this service is perhaps the reason for the high threshold. The hope is always that the children will return to the parent once they have had a chance to reflect and turn their lives around, which they are helped and encouraged to do. OP, you are already doing all you can realistically be expected to do. Speak to the school and raise yours and your other family members concerns. You will probably not be told directly that they are already in contact with social services - the children may even be getting visits from a local authority supervising social worker already - but rest assured they will have the children's care in mind at all times.