AIBU to expect acceptance when DH declines niece's wedding abroad?

[DestinationForOne]

Dh niece is getting married next year abroad.

MIL seems to be in charge of organising most of it and to be honest is acting like its mostly about her !
She keeps saying how she wants her dc all there as she needs them there etc.

MIL/FIL are offering to pay but only for dh flight and hotel as they want him there as their son and not a husband / father as want his focus ‘on the family for once’.
It’s a 5 day trip.

They don’t know but we have been ttc so we have no idea what next year might look like for us. Dh has declined going and this has cause ww3. We’ve never argued with them before and it’s quite upsetting . AIBU to think they should be more accepting of Dh declining to go?

True that. I’m surprised MIL is allowing the niece’s fiance to attend the wedding, given that he’s not family and never will be. Perhaps MIL will insist on family photos without him in.

So you would be deeply hurt if a sibling didn't come to your child's wedding - what if your sibling's child was getting married and you were invited but your partner and children weren't? That's the situation here - it's not about who is paying, OP and her children aren't invited at all because they are not "family" and MIL is upset that OP's DH doesn't want to go without them!

Good on DH for saying no to his mother - she needs to realise that when her kids grow up, get married and have children of their own, that is their family now. She sounds completely mad.

I have this same view of family tbh. What she seems to fail to notice is that from your DHs perspective. His direct family are his wife and children. She is not your Hs priority anymore. Her grandchild is not your husband's priority, nor his direct family. The world does not, in fact, revolve around her.

To invite a husband and father to an event and specifically not invite his family then get pissed when he declines is absolute insanity.

In that case, the niece is on the second tier, and her wedding should not be a priority to DH.

Omg you’ve hit the nail on the head!! How ridiculous to be celebrating a marriage in the family when others who have married in haven’t been invited!!
PS I’m not being sarcastic I read your post and had a real omg moment!! That’s so true!

All this seems to be coming from MIL . Has your DH heard anything about it from his sister or his niece ? I bet they would like as many as possible at a destination wedding . Has MIL just decided who she is willing to pay for .
The TTC is almost irrelevant. You shouldn't put your life on hold for something that might happen or not in the time you expect.

They’re probably relieved to not have to spend any time with your mother in law.

But it’s lovely that your husband is standing with you. He’s a keeper!

So "focus on the family" means their family, which consists of MIL, FIL, precious daughter and the supporting cast of siblings.

They obviously don't regard you as family.

Your DH is right to stand up to them on this, to put you and your DCs (born and unborn) first and to challenge, even if he doesn't manage to change, this appalling family dynamic.

After reading all OP's posts, not only should he not go, he should be taking a huge step back from his controlling family. Narc MIL and golden child sibling ... sounds like a family to run from, not accommodate.

I don't think your MIL understands what a family is.

Once your children have spouses and children, they are part of your family. It's completely unreasonable to exclude them from a big family celebration, particularly if it involves foreign travel and lasts five days.

Well done on your husband for saying no.

SIL is like this. None of the in laws are good enough for her nearest and dearest. Then she complains that she is lonely because her DC don't visit very often.

Not all my uncles and aunts came to my wedding and it didn’t bother me at all. It’s the nieces wedding so the question is whether your dh is close to his niece and wants to be at her wedding celebration. If they aren’t close I imagine the couple won’t care or notice. Presumably he could also just go for the celebration and not the whole 5 day event. He should reply to the couple direct but I’m sure they understand if you choose a destination wedding not everyone will come.

If people desperately want their family to be at a family event they could hold their family event actually in the same country.

Also they haven't even invited all the family, only the direct relations. So it sounds like they only care about some family and not others, who are very much part of the family.

You don't expect everyone to be able to go if it's overseas. It doesn't sound like the niece is bothered anyway, but the MIL is on her behalf. It's not her wedding.

Hi OP, YANBU. Ignore all the comments saying that you are!

My PILs are similarly controlling and I’ve learnt to ignore them. My life is much easier now. 😊 Your DH’s primary family is the new family unit that he’s created with you and your DC.

Don’t give it a second thought and try to establish some boundaries going forward. x

She keeps saying how she wants her dc all there as she needs them there etc

What does she mean by ‘needs them’? How so?

Is this seriously the first time you've stood up to her in fifteen years?! Yeah, she's going to take a while to believe that you mean it.

Well done DH for standing firm. I hope he used the phrase "I'll be focusing on my family".

Sorry but what she said about not paying for you just made me laugh out loud. Yes DH should just decline. It might be a good idea for him to stand up to MIL now before any child joins the family.

BTW - I have had two conversations this month about two different couples deciding not to book a cruise next autumn/winter because they are going to start ttc. It really is a wise consideration. Don’t share with batshit granny though.

Lol that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. It's not going to get better. Tell them to fuck off and see how that goes. Beyond rude and disrespectful. Don't let them put you in 'your place' OP.

I think declining because you, his wife, is excluded is fine. Declining because you might be pregnant or have a baby seems a bit more odd.

It’s a weird dynamic that needs tackled, should have been sorted long before this, but making a point at his sisters wedding is not the place to do it.

Does you dh want to go to his sisters wedding, and if you can’t afford to all go would he still want to be at his sisters wedding. If he does it is generous if your MIL to give him the option to go himself.

If you're not invited to the wedding then it makes sense that MIL isn't paying for your tickets etc. Just let them be angry.

He can explain he feels it's rude to exclude you and the kids, he can say you may be pregnant or say nothing. But giving a reason might at least give them context.

My dp declined his annual trip with ils when I was due the same week.
Mil was fuming.
I had a premature baby. Also a suspected heart attack post emcs.
His dms response to the early birth was great he could do the trip now.

When he still refused she never forgave him (me )..been over 11 years since we saw her..
Actually bliss.
She wasn't invited to our wedding a year later either..
Her own doing imo.

haha...agree.

My DH has 3 siblings with nieces/nephews and I've tried putting myself in OP's position and I'd be thinking 'thank god I don't have to go!!'. 😂

But also agree your DH sounds lovely...maybe he is also thinking 'great, I have an excuse not to go...'

Declining because of what might happen in the future is silly. If you aren’t pregnant then will he go? Seems like he is getting it from both sides. His mum and you. Would you be ok with him going if you aren’t pregnant or had a baby? If not, then it’s not just the MIL being controlling

No compromise is necessary. Why negotiate with a terrorist?

DH should say he will stay away with the new groom as presumably niece’s husband to be is also not family.