AIBU to expect acceptance when DH declines niece's wedding abroad?

[DestinationForOne]

Dh niece is getting married next year abroad.

MIL seems to be in charge of organising most of it and to be honest is acting like its mostly about her !
She keeps saying how she wants her dc all there as she needs them there etc.

MIL/FIL are offering to pay but only for dh flight and hotel as they want him there as their son and not a husband / father as want his focus ‘on the family for once’.
It’s a 5 day trip.

They don’t know but we have been ttc so we have no idea what next year might look like for us. Dh has declined going and this has cause ww3. We’ve never argued with them before and it’s quite upsetting . AIBU to think they should be more accepting of Dh declining to go?

Fuck them yanbu at all!!

If marrying into the family doesn't make you part of that family, then why are they celebrating this wedding at all?

Crikey! Sounds like something from
“The Godfather” with MIL in the starring role.
Im old and naggy and I would be inclined to tell her to Foff, but ultimately it’s your Dogs decision.
i do agree that you absolutely cannot try and second guess the future with regard to TTC… To be honest, with a bossy old bat like this. I’d be thanking the Lord she doesn’t want me there!
I wouldn’t be wanting her when life returns to normal after “The Wedding”

I don't think you are unreasonable at all. It's incredibly rude of them not to invite you and the children because you are "not family" (understandable for them not to offer to pay but not not to invite you)

Does your niece actually care? Or is it just the MIL?

I definitely wouldn't tell them about the TTC.

It's crazy on all sides; crazy to exclude you & your DC so DH can "focus on family for once" and crazy for MIL to essentially telling DH 'I'm paying so show up for the family and be a dogsbody'. TTC or not, if MIL doesn't see her GC and the mother of those GC as family well then I'd put a serious distance between you & her.

To not invite your son's wife and DC because they're "not family" is outrageous.

This MiL has controlled and manipulated her family for years. Finally this son, OP'S DH, has stood up to her, so she is refusing to comply.

Good. About time.

wow! You and kids ( their grandkids) are not invited????
It’s a horrible rude behaviour. Your DH shouldn’t go and should tell them that this is the reason for not going, because it should be the reason.

you need to be firm on this, your DH has a family and responsibilities, your MIL is putting one grandchild above the rest, I would not stand for this, this did happen in our extended family and we went NC with the grandparent that done this (it was my grandparent elevating one of my cousins above the rest, funnily enough the only daughter’s daughter! my dad cut contact with them)

This.

This.
MIL has a very weird take on family priorities.

This is a weird dynamic. By her rules, then in your family with your DH, you and your children are "the family" and should take priority. But if you behaved exactly as she does then you are the bad guy.

He has his own family now, and if he wants to prioritise them, he should. And I think it's lovely that he does prioritise you.

Let her storm and stew and create world war 3. Ride it out. Politeness, calmness, saying There We Are Then (it's an acronym), and letting her blast all her feelings. It will blow out and she will have nowhere to go. Responding will just make her do it more.

She's a bully. Ignore her and if you must reply, say, as you are away, "the family" comes first, just as you put your children first, so do we.

Did you miss the bit where OP explained she has high-risk pregnancies? She'll only "know in 2 months whether that will happen" if she can be sure of a problem-free pregnancy going to full term. She could get pregnant in December/January and come June have a poorly premie baby in NICU and be very ill herself and no one around to look after the older kids if DH is prioritising his mum over his children and wife (thankfully he won't)

This makes absolutely no sense at all from your mother-in-law‘s point of view! Using her logic she has married in and therefore should be excluded from some things. Good on your husband for seeing through this nonsense!

People who see themselves as the matriarch/patriarch of their own little dynasty rarely use any logic to see that they would be just as on the outside on many occasions if everyone applied those rules.

YABU to not expect DH to go just be abuse you might be pregnant/have a newborn. It's 5 days. How do you think single parents or those whosecpsrtnets work away cope?

YANBU to expect your DH not to go be abuse you & the children aren't invited. It's batshit behaviour from MIL.

So this wedding is for her granddaughter but she doesn’t want other grandchildren there? That seems nice.

I think that’s so sad when people say I only want the nuclear family there.
One of our greatest joys is seeing our kids happy with partners and their own kids and we’ve always included them!
I really don’t understand this attitude .
How did she think she got HER family without getting a partner and his family ,
Shes small minded and mean .
Don’t put yourself out .

I don’t understand why you can’t just say you’ll go and then if there is a genuine reason why you can’t (newborn, fertility treatment, late in pregnancy) at the time, explain that then? Seems like you are just borrowing trouble. Of course they won’t understand if you haven’t given a reason and they have offered to pay. It just looks like you don’t want to go which I suspect is true.

Your MILs excuses are pathetic. She doesn’t want the next “tier” of family (wives and kids) there to celebrate the wedding of another member of that tier?? So by that logic, niece shouldn’t even be at her own wedding.

Because he doesn’t want to go.

She isn’t invited.

Read all of OP’s posts.

She’s not invited. Neither are her kids. They’re explicitly excluded from attending. Even if you only read OPs posts you’ll know what’s going on.

I think your original post is confusing so everyone is focusing on the wrong thing. Your mother in law invited only your husband to his nieces wedding - your kids’ cousin. So that cousin is fine, but your kids aren’t. That’s inherently strange. TTC isn’t a great reason to decline, them offering to pay for your husband is lovely, but not inviting you and your actual children is super weird.

Maybe it’s a different perspective…but wondering how all of this has been for niece/grandaughter? I come from a large ish extended family and dh from a v large extended family - we absolutely did invite our aunts and uncles (but not all of their kids and/or their kids partners) to our wedding - to do so would have added more than 50 people to allow for both sides of family.

Any chance it’s actually a fairly reasonable request from the niece to include her immediate family (knowing some won’t come) that’s been twisted by MIL? Must be hard having your own wedding so controlled by gran.

Doesn’t change your Dh response to his mum, or your hurt by all of it. BUT I’d be wondering about sending the niece a best wishes card or congratulations and an apology for non travel (outside of word of mouth by MIL). May help wider relationships with siblings?