AIBU to stop cooking for my in-laws after their rude behaviour?

[ChefNoMore]

AIBU to say I am not cooking for my in-laws anymore?

Lots of back story with in-laws being rude to me, but this really pissed me off, was the straw that broke the camels back.

We seem to always end up hosting everyone at our house for Easter, Christmas etc. Although not always on the main day because PIL usually get a better offer from her SiL or her own sister and her DH.

Last Sunday we had a lunch at our house. I’m not sure what the latest thing is that I’ve done, as no one will ever tell me, but my PIL and SIL all refused to eat anything I’d prepared. They brought a few dishes themselves, asked what my DH had made and stuck to that. You may think I’m being paranoid but I’m not. This is the kind of games they play.

Usually when MIL and FIL come alone they are happy to eat whatever with my FIL actually telling me that I’m a great cook.

I just found this really utterly rude and I am done. I put so much effort into cleaning the house, shopping, planning and cooking dishes (I made fresh bread, side dishes and 2 desserts) and they ate none of it. They even asked who made what.

My DH fully admits that his family like to play politics but I’ve had enough of being one of the main villains.

It’s nearly that time when Christmas is discussed and who is doing what and when. I’m just not doing it. I’m not having any of them over at all. If DH wants to see them he can go and meet them in a restaurant.

I’ve been so stupid putting up with this crap but I’m done.

Good for you!
Bloody awful that you went to that amount of effort and were treated so rudely.

Quite right too. Stand up for yourself. Arseholes!

Where was your DH in this? What did he do in contribution for their visit? What did he say to them when they refused to eat your food?

I put so much effort into cleaning the house, shopping, planning and cooking dishes (I made fresh bread, side dishes and 2 desserts) and they ate none of it.

While your husband does what?

The whole lot of them sound awful.

My DH has never once noticed them being rude to me, and says I am overreacting.

However he fully admits and sees all their other dramas, squabbles and politics with everyone else. Just not when it’s directed at me.

He did some cooking and helped tidy up.

He said oh they must’ve just been full.

He would never pull them up as he doesn’t want to be on the receiving end of their wrath. I’m happy to fall out with them all and never speak to them again.

Will your in laws take no for an answer? If not, you may need to make arrangements to be elsewhere at Christmas. My in laws decided to all come to mine one Christmas, despite me saying I couldn’t manage, and I didn’t get a say in the matter. It was awful and stressful.

My MIL is like that with me. A couple of Christmas’ ago she asked everyone to bring a couple of dishes to her family get together. I was pregnant with baby number 2 at the time and had a then 13 month old. Took a lot of effort for me. She put the Mac & cheese dish in the oven on high heat until it was incinerated. Then proclaimed it was inedible and nobody wanted to eat my cooking. She hid the 2nd dish, couldn’t find it anywhere and she ignored me everytime I asked. Four months later she brings over the frozen 2nd dish as she thought I might want it back as “We don’t eat chorizo”

She’ll say how delicious my cooking is if she thinks my husband made it.

I just refuse to cook it host for her now. She’s a piece of work generally, but I’m not going to waste food. I agree, DH can go out with your in-laws, don’t waste any more of your time or your ingredients.

What do you mean you didn't get a say in the matter?

"I’m happy to fall out with them all and never speak to them again" and so you bloody should @ChefNoMore

Team, master @ChefNoMore 👩‍🍳

He doesn’t want to fall out with them but you can be as upset as anything eh?

You have a DH problem.

Tell him they are no longer welcome in your home and if he invites them you will cause a nuclear level scene.

YABVVVVU to not have demanded they immediately leave your house and send your lying H with them! “Hasn’t ever once seen them be rude to you” my actual arse! So he has never once noticed them asking who made what? Never once noticed them not eating any of the things his wife made? Really? Bollocks of the hairiest, sweatiest order.

“He said oh they must’ve just been full”

Your husband’s response is absolutely ridiculous.

Your PILs are so disrespectful. You can just say that you are not hosting. They have done you a favour. Merry Christmas.

I took my children away for Christmas last year. It was lovely, no needing to please anyone else! I know it’s not the long term answer but maybe something you could think about this year…

I think I’d just say to your dh that they don’t seem to like your cooking so you suggest he does all the cooking for them from now on. Then just totally drop the rope on everything to do with them and leave it all to him. See how that pans out and go lower contact if needed. They sound awful.

I’d be doing what you’ve suggested OP.

I can understand your DH not wanting to attract their wrath. What I can’t understand is him being ok with you getting it/doesn’t notice it.

Actually I do understand.

He notices what is going on just fine and is just glad it isn’t him.

@StuntNunWTAF? Of course you have a say in the matter! It’s your home!

Yes time for a new plan this Christmas.!

I could have written this exact post a couple of decades ago when, just like you, I was doing my absolute best to entertain and cook for PIL and SIL , making every effort under the sun, producing fabulous meals and just getting met by rudeness in return, apart from FIL (since died) who would always compliment me on my cooking.
DH would sometimes do the cooking and his efforts were never met with the bitchy responses and refusal to eat stuff from MIL and SIL that I got.
We tried taking them all to a restaurant at our expense instead, but MIL moaned like hell about that also.
After one particularly bad experience I finally put my foot down and announced to DH that I would never ever entertain them again - and I stuck to it.
It's been absolutely bliss not having to put up with the stress of their visits and I rarely see them now.

Your Dh should have your back in this. Okay, the first time, I can see my Dh being so utterly shocked that he wouldn’t know what to say. This happened once when BIL and SIL turned up to our holiday with their bloody campervan and announced they were staying in the drive to join us on our family holiday for the whole f-ing holiday. We were both in such shock, neither of us knew what to do. But it wouldn’t happen again, that’s for damn sure. Your dh needs to confront them on how rude he found their behaviour and then never invite them around again.

He comes from the same family so has probably learned to play the same shitty games.

Yes in sumiliar circumstances I told dh he was welcome to invite who he wanted but he would be doing all the cleaning and the cooking.

they never came.

They sound awful. I’m trying to understand the dynamic. You invite them for lunch and they turn up with their own food? That’s bizarre and your DH thinks this is normal. I’d be furious if guests did that.

so what does this prince among men bring to the marriage then?

This sounds like a dream ^ .
I don't know if you have a TV in your bedroom but I'd also take yourself off up there with some chocs, wine, mince pies, cheese and crackers and the TV guide. You can watch "Miracle on 34th Street", "Home Alone" or "The Towering Inferno" and get quietly blotto.
Ignore all calls for help and tell DH you're having Xmas off this year. Let them all fall out among themselves.
😏
PS if you forget to wrap the presents that will be a shame won't it ?!