My step daughter lied about having cancer

[mydaughterisademon]

And I really don’t understand why, she’s 20! She kept this lie up for 6 months, but only to one side of the family.

I was suspicious when I first heard about it as she had always been a liar, such as accusing people of seriously assaulting her, or the neighbour being a pervert.

None of the details she said added up, we gave her a lot of money as she was ‘too sick to work’.

The odd thing is, her mother is exactly the same, and made up having a child! Used to make up lies about my husband and have him arrested.

Initially my husband’s family didn’t believe me and were quite nasty to me. Until my husband went to his families house and called her grandmother, who she lives with and she advised she’s never had cancer.

She also claimed miscarriage and sepsis last month, on top of the the cancer.

what the hell is wrong with her? Me and my husband can’t get our head around it.

She sounds like a very troubled young woman. Obviously she’s seeking attention. I guess the question is why?

This sums it up afaic.🎯

This

HIS actions? Surely you mean the birth mother.

Personality disorder.

Absolutely, but despite, not because of.

Have a google of Factitious Disorder. She has done wrong, and you have been financially harmed, but also this is not normal and she needs help. She can go via GP if she is willing to admit this.

She should too. But fathers do actually have responsibility as well - even if they move on.

If the mother posts, I expect she will get a similar response. But here it is the OP's DH who is relevant.

Well put.

I’m not sure the police are what this troubled young woman needs.

Yes, and this is often seen in individuals who had difficult childhoods, especially a damaged attachment to one parent as a substitute for the loving care they did not receive.

It troubles me how many people are content to simply and superficially dismiss these situations with a convenient "some people are just bad eggs" attitude, when what it really should be is a real wake-up call for us as a society that children are profoundly affected by their upbringing.

We have duties to children, especially as parents.

They might be kinder tbh ...

He’s what? Her own father?

The child he brought in to the world and then abandoned? (Yes, that’s what he did, no matter how you tell the story) He is reporting her (presumably to the police) for fraud, and you have a civil case against her despite saying the money came off his card?

I mentor a 16 year old who is in a very similar family situation to your step-daughter. Her father is full of reasons why he couldn’t look after her, his wife has swallowed all his bullshit and she is as awful to him as her father is. Her grandmother has been very open with me about what has gone on in the past, and the girl herself admits she hasn’t always behaved in the best way, but the crux of the matter is, every single adult in her life has abandoned her, except her grandmother. She is totally fucked up by that. She finally decided to cut contact with him when he refused a very modest request for something a father should absolutely provide for his daughter, because he and his wife were saving for a holiday.

Any father who chooses not to be in his daughter’s life, then treat her as if he would a stranger when his decision come home to roost, is not a trustworthy man.

Honestly, now that you've reported her for fraud, she's likely to ramp up the falsehoods. Goodness knows what she'll accuse you both of now. Particularly her dad.

Honestly, I think I'd have quietly walked away, rather than taken legal action. The revenge damage she can do to you isn't worth the minimal chance of you getting the money back.

Yes and there’s a chan 4 documentary just been released about the mum jailed for Fii and defrauding people out of money claiming her son was ill.

She needs sectioning for her own
good

I wouldn’t be so sure of that. With my mentee, her mother had learning disabilities. She never really reached the emotional capacity of being an adult, but aged 23 met a guy and had a relationship which resulted in pregnancy. It became clear very early on that she wasn’t capable of raising a child and social services got involved. At that point, the father essentially walked away and the child was taken in by the grandmother. He was well aware of the mum’s vulnerabilities, but decided to have a sexual relationship with her. I would put the resulting situation more in his responsibility than hers.

The difference is those people were not her parents, who walked out on her then reported her, then let their partner snipe about her on MN.

The relationship makes the difference in what an appropriate response looks like.

What the DSD did was wrong; I don't think any of us dispute that. But it is too simple to just wash your hands of your child without even pausing to consider how your parenting has played into the behaviour. Why can't the OP or the girl's father see any connections when so many of us can? ETA (On that note I thought the "no remorse!!" comment was particularly rich)

And in any case, as all too often happens, making this a finger pointing exercise between two estranged parents never ends well for their child.

Sometimes people do just lie for £££££, not any kind of MH issue or personality disorder.. Plenty of fundraising scams on the various platforms as proof of that. The woman in this case just hit up her parent/stepparent instead.

She may have issues but there isn't going to be a lot OP and her DH can do about it if she has zero remorse or insight.

Some people do, but surely if it's your own child, you try to investigate if something can be done with their MH before just condemning them outright.

And if the issue in fact traces back to attachment issues, actually addressing those can help, even if she shows no remorse. If she has done it for substitute parental attention, there is a reason she may not show normal remorse. Fix the cause not the symptom.

Seriously though, what can they or any sort of services realistically do to help her without her cooperation?

Persevere with the relationship. Work to get closer, gain her trust, until the topic can be helpfully broached and professional help sought. Repairing damaged relationships is hard work, but up to a point I agree with you, but for different reasons: what can they realistically do if they have already reported her and thrown her under the bus.

No, I tend not to be empathetic towards calculating narcissists who lie about having cancer for their own financial gain from their own family. Know too many of them and they are all exactly like this with the lies. But maybe I should just have more empathy... 😬

One of my flatmates at 19 was like this. Invented a twin that died at birth and a kidney transplant/dialysis. The house relationship broke down and she moved out. I have no idea what happened to her, and no clue whether she graduated—I never ran into her on campus or in town. 🤷‍♀️