My step daughter lied about having cancer

[mydaughterisademon]

And I really don’t understand why, she’s 20! She kept this lie up for 6 months, but only to one side of the family.

I was suspicious when I first heard about it as she had always been a liar, such as accusing people of seriously assaulting her, or the neighbour being a pervert.

None of the details she said added up, we gave her a lot of money as she was ‘too sick to work’.

The odd thing is, her mother is exactly the same, and made up having a child! Used to make up lies about my husband and have him arrested.

Initially my husband’s family didn’t believe me and were quite nasty to me. Until my husband went to his families house and called her grandmother, who she lives with and she advised she’s never had cancer.

She also claimed miscarriage and sepsis last month, on top of the the cancer.

what the hell is wrong with her? Me and my husband can’t get our head around it.

It’s not ‘about emotions’ - it’s a very plausible explanation for this behaviour. I feel sad for her, she clearly has nobody steering her in the right directions.

Because I am a strong believer in parental responsibility and when, as op has confirmed, a child has had a tumultuous upbring, I feel only compassion, and alarm at the idea that a parent would hit out in anger, not reach out in love when behaviour clearly indicates they have reached adulthood disturbed.

And as for disingenuousness, and as for your question about the OP, I find the whole thread really disingenuous and lacking in humanity. It's just a casting about for people to slam the girl. The OP clearly thinks the behaviour is odd: she didn't need third party confirmation of that.

I agree with the second part of this post. Her Dad should absolutely support her despite this (not necessarily financially but emotionally/ psychologically) as she sounds like a hurt/damaged individual and she is his child.

I can’t see why you handed money over so easily. Surely there would be proof… physical signs? Accompany to an appointment?
If I told my either of my parents that I had cancer, they’d be a lot of worry and they would be more involved ? I know they wouldn’t just send me on my way with money!

It doesn’t excuse it but probably explains it.
Sounds like an unmet need to me and likely MH issues arising from this.

You can’t force her to access help but she needs to.
i see in a later post you have said that this isn’t about emotions but it absolutely is.
It’s likely about her early experiences, the impact on her development, her sense of self, emotional safety and unhealthy ways of trying to get her needs met.

I don’t like the jump to PDs but it’s possible. No one here can say.

Again not an excuse but you asked why she’d tell such lies and I think you have your answer. What you do with that is entirely up to you but your husband does need to try and support her whilst maintaining strong boundaries around this.

Don’t completely give up on her. I know she’s 20 but developmentally is likely to function at a much younger age in some ways.

Yes, I am a strong believer in the duty of adults towards the dc they bring into this world.

All these threads where stepparents try to stir up dissent in a family, rather than pour oil on waters, appal me, and there are so many of them on these boards.

The OP knows the girl's behaviour is thoroughly odd. I am not seeing much "I hadn't thought of it that way" and so I wonder what the point of the thread was if not just to luxuriate in denigration of the girl. The wider the audience ...

Does none of that touch a nerve for you, if you see young people being treated like that? Even the OP admits this poor girl had a difficult upbringing. I would be urging her father to offer loving support to unpick the issues, which are clearly deeply seeded.

Don’t know about worlds hottest mum but based on this post, you don’t sound very empathetic.

She got money from them on the pretext that she was too ill to work.

Obtaining money by deception is fraud.

Scamming is just a colloquial term for it.

Lots of people get 'abandoned' by their fathers and dont turn into vile liars

That's dreadful, OP. I'm so sorry you and your DH have been deceived in such a horrible way. She certainly sounds quite mentally unwell. As PPs have said, don't engage or communicate with her any more. What a terrible person she must be to show such little remorse.

Sounds a bit Munchausen's syndrome too, and narcissistic .

This sounds like a personality disorder which would need medical help. Similar to the case of Samantha Cookes (see also podcast The Real Carrie Jade), you would want her to have treatment before it escalates further.

What’s with all the excuses here for the lying little bizzum?

If she needs help, she’s an adult, she can go and get it. I’d have nothing to do with the lying, manipulative little cow.

My own dc told us he had cancer and had had surgery.
A few hours later he was rolling around the floor playing with a small sibling. I took pics to remind myself what he is capable of.

6 months later he assaulted that small dc whilst recovering from a drug fuelled evening.

Haven't seen him since.

If she had to scam money OP...what prospect do you believe you have to retrieve it OP? Are you thinking she saved it? A car?

I’d start filming her now, because if she carries on like this, Netflix will want the footage for the inevitable documentary they’ll be making about her

But surely at some point your DH wouldve no longer been 20, and have found a place to live? Did he ever pursue having her? What was his contact like with her?

You discount a PD as that's about emotions - but from the outside it does sound like this about emotions to some degree, and wanting attention.

Not always. A close friend at uni disclosed to us that she was HIV+. Whilst she never openly admitted that she’d lied, it became obvious that she had. Plus, decades later, having had multiple partners and several children, she’s still very much alive and symptom free.

Vile.

Cancer scammers boil my piss.

I agree. I had a hard childhood. Dm died unexpectedly when I was 13. Went to go and live with my gran (DF worked abroad so she was like a second mum). She died of a stroke a few months later on Boxing Day.

I had a few troubled years following (ED) but I never once have used it as an excuse to treat other people badly.

One of my exs was a horrific person. He blamed it on his parents getting divorced and would give any given chance to share his pity party.

A hard childhood is no excuse.

Hi OP I have posted previously about the issues we have had with my son. When DH went down with dementia he took out a fraudulent POA and then made a false safeguarding complaint to Social Services. It takes some getting your head around the fact that a son or daughter can tell such lies, effectively extort money and have zero remorse or empathy. The first thing we felt was shock. Some counselling for you and your DH might be useful.

There is though a practical aspect to this which you need to deal with. Make sure that you have up to date wills and that these are clear on your intentions. Similar set up clear POAs. Does she still have access to the house? If so change the locks. Then either go no contact or low contact. The less contact you have, the less opportunity there is for further issues. If she will lie about cancer she will similarly lie about other things. I would not be meeting her alone.

At some stage, if she accepts this, I would support counselling for her, but this is not going to happen any time soon.

Has she admitted that it was a lie?

If the mum were to post, I'd happily involve her in the blame, depending on her side of the story.

I don't disagree that some people are prats for no reason, but I'm slower to blame children in family situations. It is hard to be better than your input.

She is obviously very mentally ill and needs support, access to services, counselling etc