DH’s digging ‘hobby’ is consuming our lives (Title edited by MNHQ at the request of the OP)

[Hobbywiddow26]

Both DH and I are recently retired. He has always had an interest in history but rarely had the time to explore this. He has become involved in a local company which specialise in archeological digs and has done some volunteering work for them.

This has progressed into some paid opportunities which at the time I thought was great, but in the last month he has spent at least 3 week days on jobs related to this.

So, far from us enjoying retired life together, it’s like he has gone back to work and isn’t a ‘hobby’ as it was previously. Would it be wrong of me to ask him to cut back?

Of course that was a typo. 🙄

On the off chance you are actually seeking advice, you surely wouldn't want to be joined at the hip? If your husband spends three days a week on his hobby, that still leaves you the majority of the week to be together, in addition to mornings and evenings.

😆

OP why not take up dogging although I suspect this is more an evening activity you might find your husband accompanies you. That way you can still be together

😜

You say you've both only recently retired. I can tell you for a fact that if you've been insisting he's doing something with you 7 days a week since you retired, ten years down the line you'll be paying that company to take him from you for 3 days a week. I assume that because you are so recently retired it means that you'd (at least) like to be doing some travelling, presumably with your DH. But is the "work" he's doing really stopping you from taking extended trips? I would assume that the archeological digs he's "working" on don't have him tied to a fixed contract. Can he not get leave to go travelling (or whatever it is you want to do with him full-time) and then return to the "job"? And if your irritation with him being out of the house 3 days a week is not about interrupting a travel schedule, what is it you'd want him to be doing with you instead? I think he's going to do just fine in retirement; you, however, may be struggling unless you also can find something that occupies your time.

3 days a week is surely much less than when he was working?

Sounds a fabulous hobby.

OP what would you hope/expect to be doing on those days? There are only so many garden centres and NT properties you can visit. Do you have any interests?

DH and I are semi-retired, and I'm busy with my interests and volunteering roles. DH's semi retirement is quite new, and he's fully retiring next year. He's already driving me mad. He seems to think if he's not occupied I should be available. He'll say "I'm finishing at lunch time tomorrow, so we can go for lunch". Erm, no, I'm busy! I'll suggest things he could get involved with and he'll say "You don't need to find things for me to do Suzie!" But then he doesn't do anything, and questions what I'm doing and when I'll be back! We have Friday, Saturday and Sunday fully together, and other half days, so he's hardly neglected, and we have regular holidays.

I think it's great for your DH that he's found something he loves. History is my thing too, so I know how it can grab you. My knees and back could cope with an archaeological dig however! Is there nothing you're interested in pursuing OP?

If he's spending three days a week "dogging" then I think he needs to cut back but if it's "digging" no! You still have another four days in the week where you can do things together. Perhaps you need to get a hobby too!

"Consuming our lives" would mean he is outside of the house 24/7 and not doing anything else besides. I wouldn't count 3 days a week as that.

Sounds like a great hobby! It's great for him that he has an activity he enjoys so much.

Now that it's been established that the OP did actually mean digging....

It doesn't sound that bad to be honest. You can still spend 4 days a week with him. And presumably the archeological digs do not continue all year round due to weather.

Just be glad he is not actually dogging and has not taken up a hobby that requires head to toe Lycra.

Trust me, you should be so glad. Nothing more irritating than the old fart sitting around all day and saying "what are you doing"?
Give the guy a break.

Don’t hold him back, he enjoys it. Find something you like to do?

Why do you want him to stop? If that's how he wants to spend his retirement why is that a problem?

Three days I week I'd be happy with that because I'm a grumpy bugger who likes time on their own.

@Hobbywiddow26 Hi. I don't think I have ever seen a thread so unanimous! Seeing the comments, what do you think now?

Sorry to be so blunt but you need your own hobbies and friends ready for if he dies before you anyway.

If your husband combined dogging with archaeology that would be more fun surely. Dogging for Britain! That is the best porno name ever.

If he is like any normal man it will be a hobby for a few months before he gives it up for kite surfing, glass blowing or artisan breadmaking. Plus he's getting paid instead of sinking your retirement fund into a load of equipment that will barely get used when he gets bored.

I would be happy that he is busy and active and you have free reign to do what you like.

Could you possibly join him for a day to see what it is about? Even just make drinks/be a bit social and help out. That's what I would do.

If this hobby is bringing him great joy and fulfillment, as well as some cash, I don't think it is unreasonable of him to spend half of every week on it, given that he is otherwise retired. Presumably it would't stop you from going away on longer trips.

I speak as someone whose ex deeply resented her hobby and got very angry when I spent time on it. According to him, when he was around I should be focused on him; I should only be doing my hobby when he was away doing something he enjoyed. "It would be different," he said, "If you were making money from it." He was constantly thinking of ways to monetize it. This became a huge bone of contention between us, as it was highly creative hobby and a core part of my sense of self, but he didn't care that it brought me great happiness. In fact, it irked him that I could be happy doing something that didn't involve him.

If your husband has found a passion, be glad for him.

It's his time to indulge the stuff he actually wants to do.
You should do the same. X

Isn’t that what you are meant to do in retirement? Are you doing something for you? I’m not retired yet… but I can’t bear the thought of spending all day every day with DH.

Early retirement should be a time for pursuing the interests and hobbies that you didn’t have time for when you had to work all week. I think it’s great that he’s found something that he’s really enjoying doing.

It’s unlikely to be as frequent as we move into the Autumn and Winter. Do you have hobbies and interests of your own?

Do you have any plans that are on hold because he’s doing this? What were your expectations for retired life and how much did he drive the development of those expectations? If his attitude to that has changed now, have you talked about it?

Generally speaking, I think spending half your time together and half doing your own thing sounds pretty balanced for retired life. However, if everything has to give way to his desire for this and things you’d agreed to do together keep getting postponed or the days chop and change so you can’t arrange anything together, go on trips, or even do something regular for yourself without it then eating into the time you spend together, then I would see it as a problem.

As a veteran Time Team fan, I can understand his enthusiasm. But your misgivings are a little less comprehensible, given that Mumsnet is normally full of wives lamenting that their retired husbands are constantly under their feet and driving them bonkers.

As others have suggested, if you feel a bit stranded, why not follow your husband's example and try to find some sort of consuming passion, that might make life a lot more engaging?

It's a wonderful world out there, full of fascinating activities and very interesting people. Make your twilight years the best and brightest years.