DH’s digging ‘hobby’ is consuming our lives (Title edited by MNHQ at the request of the OP)

[Hobbywiddow26]

Both DH and I are recently retired. He has always had an interest in history but rarely had the time to explore this. He has become involved in a local company which specialise in archeological digs and has done some volunteering work for them.

This has progressed into some paid opportunities which at the time I thought was great, but in the last month he has spent at least 3 week days on jobs related to this.

So, far from us enjoying retired life together, it’s like he has gone back to work and isn’t a ‘hobby’ as it was previously. Would it be wrong of me to ask him to cut back?

If he enjoys it then why not, keeping active and mentally alert is not a bad thing. You still have 4 days to share time, interests and hobbies. Just because he's retired, it doesn't mean he has to give up doing everything, it's his choice to make. Being together 24/7 is not the only way to be, it's not healthy for some. This is the perfect time to find things that bring you joy or take up interests you had but never got round to doing when working.

Dogging would certainly work in this case.

I think it's good that he has his own hobby. Surely you don't want to spend every minute of every day together?

Is there something you had planned to do that he is unable to do because of this? As that would make more sense rather than just being put out that he is busy.

I think it’s reasonable that he wants to spend some of his retirement pursuing hobbies and interests he couldn’t pursue when working. I don’t see why you expect that retirement is something couples can only enjoy together. If he’s digging 3 days a week there are still 4 days where he can enjoy doing things with you. What kind of things are you even wanting to do together? Do you not have any hobbies or interests of your own you could persue?

You will enjoy retired life together more if you also have separate interests.
Being together 24/7 is not all it's cracked up to be.
You need to exist outside of your relationship and have hobbies and interests that get you out and about and looking forward to coming home and catching up.

That's not really a lot OP. You cant spend 24/7 with someone, you'll go a bit bonkers.

Do you have any hobbies?

Bloody hell op, it’s 3 days a week doing a hobby. What were you expecting in retirement? To live in each others pockets 24/7 sitting and watching the telly. He could be golfing or fishing or going to the pub every day. Instead he’s going out and doing healthy physical activity that he really enjoys. Do you not have any hobbys or friends?

Sounds perfect to me.
What do you do with your time OP?

I'm still laughing at the typo.

But, no if he loves digging, leave him to it. There are plenty more days in the week to do things together. You don't have to be in each other's pockets all the time.

That still leaves 4 days a week doing couple stuff

At the end of the day this is what he is interested in and is going to spend 3 days a week of his retirement doing it whether paid or not. The fact he is getting paid means you have more money to spend on the other 4 days doing days out , meals and short breaks.

Anyone who is amused with the original title - check out Fascinating Aida and their song “Dogging” but don’t listen with any little kids about the place…😂

I’d have thought your DH being occupied 3 days a week was a good thing OP, give you chance to do your own thing? It’ll only be a spring/summer thing presumably.

I should not have opened this as I joined a meeting. 😂

Surely there's plenty of time left to do things together?
I know a retired couple where the DH has no interests of his own and it's driving her mad. If she arranges to have a coffee or lunch with a friend he wants to come too. It's a bit pathetic.

Nothing helpful to add, but oh my, I wish I'd seen the original title!

A lovely typo in the title and I came along too late to see it! Objecting to that (the original) would BVR,

But moving along, I don't think "in the last month he has spent at least 3 week days on jobs related to this" sounds selfish or obsessive. Less than a day a week? You must want him very close to home if that's a problem. Sorry, but I think YABU.

There's 7 days in a week, he is using less than half.

I think it's wonderful he has found something he enjoys.

Do you need to be attached to him 24 hours a day 7 days a week.

be happy he is well enough and fit enough to do this, he may not be fit enough forever.

and the bonus is some of this is ' paid ' opportunities - that's even better !

Find yourself something to do that you enjoy and look forward to evenings and the other 4 days.

How does this impact your life @Hobbywiddow26?
Do you only have one car and no access to public transport?
Do you have hobbies yourself?

Honestly you will be very pleased he isn’t in the house on those three digging days, wondering what’s for lunch or what you are doing that day.

I started to feel like the entertainments committee and found myself thinking of lunch options as soon as breakfast was finished.

We have separate hobbies and it works really well.

It depends on what you think he/you should be doing with that time. If you just want him hanging around the house keeping you company, then YABU. If, however, you'd got plans to do regular days out or trips away together then it does rather limit your opportunities. What you need to make sure is that you're not just being left at home to pick up all the housework/admin whilst he's off out enjoying himself.

I would have thought this is exactly what retirement is for. Doing things you really enjoy but didn't have time for whilst working, whether that's digging or dogging. I wouldn't have had a problem with this.

That leaves 4 days a a week for you to do stuff together. Surely he's allowed his own hobbies in retirement.

Every week I do-

Pottery class
Art lesson
WI
Craft group
Have coffee with a group of friends

Plus I belong to 2 book clubs

Most retired friends have lots going on separately,totally normal in my world.

I think in retirement, him spending three days each week on something he enjoys is absolutely fine, assuming he is then spending the other four days of the week with you or contributing to the housework.
The problem is you have different ideas of what your retirement should be. Perhaps for him it is not needing to go out to work and spending his time enjoying himself. Perhaps for you it is finally spending time together after he or both of you have been busy working and/or raising kids.
This difference in expectations ultimately killed my parents marriage within two years of their retirement. My mum was desperate to spend their time together after my dad had spend 40 years working all hours. My dad was desperate to spend all his time on hobbies. I really recommended you sit down together to discuss and compromise on expectations.
What that looks like is for you both to agree but it could be something like each of you spend three days enjoying your time separately, one day getting chores and errands done, and three days enjoying time together.

It's a bit like him starting a small business isn't it?

What exactly are you complaining about? His archaeological work sounds fascinating. It will keep his mind and body fit and active. My mom is retired and spends at least 3 days a week on tasks, similar to her career. Were you just hoping to be clinging to your husband 7 days a week? In what way are you not enjoying retired life? Tbh your username is a bit extreme- if that's how you feel. Perhaps you should also find fun things to do.