DH’s digging ‘hobby’ is consuming our lives (Title edited by MNHQ at the request of the OP)

[Hobbywiddow26]

Both DH and I are recently retired. He has always had an interest in history but rarely had the time to explore this. He has become involved in a local company which specialise in archeological digs and has done some volunteering work for them.

This has progressed into some paid opportunities which at the time I thought was great, but in the last month he has spent at least 3 week days on jobs related to this.

So, far from us enjoying retired life together, it’s like he has gone back to work and isn’t a ‘hobby’ as it was previously. Would it be wrong of me to ask him to cut back?

Well this is my favourite thread of the day! 😂

3 days a week every week

Ignoring the typo (fabulous by the way) 3 days a month is just fine! You need time away from each other as well as time together.

I was so disappointed when I opened the thread and read the post 🤣🤣

Well 3 days a week means he’s not doing it 4 days a week. You need a hobby too…

Maybe it's dogging for the retired folks?

Yes, I would have agreed with you if he'd been spending retirement on the first, OP, but see no problem with him spending 3 days digging!

I don't think it is a problem at all. People do much better in retirement mentally and physically when they are regularly intellectually and physically challenged.

Find yourself something you like doing and pursue that. 3 days a week still leaves you with 4 days together.

I'll admit I came here expecting and entirely different thread ! 🤣🤣

What are you expecting him to be doing with you otherwise?

Had he "promised" the time to you?

It's important to keep your mind and body active during retirement, and archaeology is a great hobby for this.

I think it would be unreasonable to ask him to stop. He likely won't continue once the weather turns bad.

Your title, as well as being the best typo ever, is also a bit hyperbolic. It’s 3 days a week - hardly “consuming”.

Dont you have anything else to do yourself on those days that you enjoy?

Why on earth (or in Earth in his case) would you want to be constantly together 7 days a week - go have some fun yourself (not that kind of fun) and enjoy chatting to him about what you’ve both been up to when you have the other 4 days a week together.

It sounds reasonable and healthy to me that he’s doing something he loves part time.

Genuinely don't understand the issue @Hobbywiddow26? Your husband has found something he enjoys and is keeping him active and the bonus being he is now earning a bit of extra money doing it.

Honestly whats not to like? My parents have been retired for years. Dad has his interests, and gets involved in volunteering. Mum has her things she does too. They also spend a lot of time together as well. You don't have to spend ALL your time together. Having separate interests is healthy IMO.

I was reading about this recently- different retirement expectations. Maybe just sit down with him and calmly discuss what you both see retirement looking like. What you want to do together and alone. Maybe he has in retired himself?

What else would you be doing in this 3 days?

I don’t think I could spend 24/7 permanently with dh. I’d need a new patio. Unless we were off travelling or demoting. But just sat at home nope.

i think it depends- he obviously enjoys the digging and it is good to keep active physically and mentally.

So, what does this activity of his stop you from doing (as a couple) that you would like to be doing instead? If it is just that you want him to be around just because you’d like that/you are lonely or “just in case” something comes up and you want to be able to be flexible then, yes, I think you are being unreasonable.

If you had specific joint plans that aren’t happening because he’s doing the digging instead, then I think it is worth a conversation to see if the plans are still something he is interested in. If they are, then it’s fair to ask him how you can make it work so that he can do some digging and whatever you had planned.

3 days a month is hardly ruining your anything.
Sounds more like you’re lost and a
bit jealous because he has found something to do in retirement and you haven’t, but you’d rather he spend his days doing nothing with you than being productive.

Is he expecting you to do all the chores, admin and cooking etc, while he does fun stuff?
If not, then it's not really a problem is it. Can't you do your own thing while he's out?

I’m recently retired, and have started doing some volunteering. I’m averaging less than once a week, excluding when we’re away on holidays because DH likes doing things with me and doesn’t really have a separate daytime hobby of his own (he’s involved in some discussion groups but that’s just a couple of evenings a month). I do like the things we do together but I’d rather have 2 or 3 days a week for ‘my’ things.

So from my perspective, I think it’s great he’s found something he loves doing and you should try to do likewise.

What would you otherwise wish to be doing together?

There are 4 more days in the week.

Presumably if you book to go away he wouldn't work in those weeks?

Do you have your own interests?

Do the two of you have shared interests / hobbies that you expected or planned to do together every day of the week?

Hi OP!

We've edited the title for you.
(We did think about it for ten minutes first, though lol)

Thanks for the giggle.

Best wishes,
Faye
MNHQ 😁

I don't think three days out of seven is unreasonable. You still have four days a week to do things together. He's doing something he enjoys, that earns a bit of money, and keeps him mentally and physically active and meeting new people. All excellent in retirement.

What would you be doing otherwise?

I don't think it's good for retired couples to spend all their time together. I think you should find an equally absorbing hobby for yourself, op.

Well, what would you rather be doing? Retirement is about doing what makes you happy, not living in your spouses' pockets constantly.

You still have four days a week together.

What have you have in mind doing together 7 days a week, or even 5? Is it that you are annoyed because you expect him to entertain you or keep you company doing not much at all?

Many people need to be busy doing something that passionate them so I'm with him I'm afraid. Surely 4 days is plenty left to enjoy doing things together and pottering around the house.

A classic comedy moment

The archeological dig season is almost over. Staff and students will be back at university. It’s been an exceptional year for digs due to the lack of rain. I managed to fancy finding a Mammoth in the Danube. Try and be patient for another 4 to 6 weeks, as soon as it rains the digging will stop. Then in the winter talk about your expectations.