'I don't like confrontation'

[Odoreida]

I see this phrase everywhere on this site and it is often the start of a situation which then escalates. AIBU to say that no-one likes confrontation, but stating your needs / an opposing point of view / pointing out when someone has done something wrong politely and firmly is an essential life skill and it's worrying that so many people don't seem to have it?

Of course you don't want to put yourself in danger, but there are so many situations that can be easily resolved by using your words straight away.

If you 'don't like confrontation', how do you get your point across when it becomes necessary? Or do you just suffer in silence and, I guess, post here about it instead?

YANBU. Women are still socialised to stay quiet unfortunately.

I think this all the time! Nobody loves confrontation. But being appropriately assertive and having boundaries is an important life skill. I roll my eyes when I see this phrase.

Yet every reply on here is always “go and talk to the horrible scary aggressive neighbour” “use your words” “just tell them” when op has just wrote a paragraph about how intimidating the person is 🙄

You can have opposing views but respect an opinion you may not agree with.

But often it is the only option and surely it is better to try and give yourself the tools to do that? Maybe by talking to other non-aggressive non-scary neighbours so that you have some support?

My other least favourite is when someone’s partner ‘doesn’t like conflict’ so refuses to directly deal with the negative behaviour of someone in their life on the OP. So the partner ‘doesn’t like confrontation’, and who does, but in a situation like where there is already conflict, someone is going to be upset. But they push all the conflict and upset on their partner because they find it easier for their partner be upset than the third party.

Agree. It’s totally disingenuous and self serving. Happy to throw others under the bus than experience a little temporary personal discomfort dealing with a situation in a calm, measured and transparent way. Are people terrified of volatility - their own or others? Even if that’s the case sometimes you have to have an uncomfortable conversation and be ready to weather the storm.

Some people definitely do love confrontation!

But I agree, I think when people say it what they really mean is they don’t like asking for something they know the other person won’t like. Which isn’t always confrontational at all.

I think I don’t really stick up for myself or like confrontation because I was always shut down by my Mum. If I even dared to try to stick up for myself against her, I’d be dismissed, shouted over and given the silent treatment. Therefore, I learnt that it was best to just bite my tongue and stay quiet to avoid all that escalation.

Ironically, this is the same Mum that asks me why I never stick up for myself 🤦🏻‍♀️ I daren’t admit it’s because of her.

And yet by having the conversation you could actually achieve something positive. You don’t need her approval to say it “hey Mum, have you noticed you just tried to steam-roller me, again. I have told you the reason why, and I wasn’t looking for your permission to think what I think.”

I also think people see any form of disagreement as confrontation. It’s not confrontation to hold your own boundaries, or to disagree with someone or to ask someone to change the way they do something. How can you function if you never hold your ground?

While as all have hangovers from childhood, as an adult it’s important to find a way to overcome a reluctance to challenge, disagree or be more assertive. Calling every day functioning a confrontation just keeps you in a place where people can walk all over you.

I don't like confrontation and avoid it where possible. Too much drama.

Avoiding unnecessary confrontation IS putting down boundaries.

I think it’s important to remember that not everyone had the same formative years. So nobody likes confrontation but many who had a childhood where confrontation meant being hurt or shouted at by adults, blamed, castigated, triangulated etc can feel like a minor debate that is confrontational in nature can trigger real fight or flight feelings stored in the nervous system.

I was the peacekeeper between volatile parents and sibling and so my natural way is to avoid direct confrontation at all costs with anyone except DH who I feel totally safe with. Often this means I just shut down when people confront or when I wish I could confront what someone else has said or done. But I just feel frozen and mute.

Oh I quite like a bit of confrontation, I love it at work when I need to contradict someone with my superior advice, maybe I’m weird 🤣 also quite enjoy anything where I have to defend my children or family. Not aggressively though of course.

The current post on here blows my mind. Where the OP has locked her dog away and she and her 12y son hide in her bedroom and let the cleaner bring her 15 year-old along who then sits in the OP‘s son‘s bedroom for five hours. How do people let these situations continue. It’s not confrontation. It’s putting down boundaries.

Some people absolutely do love confrontation.

Some people just lack assertiveness and can find it to be misplaced as rudeness.

Who are you to judge?

Do shy people need to just be less shy?
Should lazy people just be more active?

Same for anything.
People are different.

How can I function when I don’t hold my own?

Through nudges and questions and smiles… generally over time I push people towards seeing my point of view or thinking they changed their mind themselves. It’s slower and it certainly doesn’t always work but I am happier this way.

Tbf I’m not this bad. If I’m in a position like where I have hired the cleaner I am able to say no. And I certainly wouldn’t let a dog bully me. I more meant for example if a boss is being hostile or a friend keeps doing something I think is annoying then I’d rather not directly confront.

This is depressing to read and just feeds into the sexist view that women at work shouldn’t be assertive. If women want to be leaders, they can’t rely on your slow methods of ‘nudges and questions and smiles’ that happen ‘over time’.

Why not? It’s diplomacy.

I’m also not saying that others should be like me. I’m saying that is how I move through the world. If other women want to be more direct then all power to them. We can’t all be the same.

So often though, attempting to have the ‘difficult conversation’ just causes a huge row and nothing changes anyway other than bad feelings. I think picking your moments for confrontation is an equally important life skill.

It is interesting that people think confrontation automatically means drama and aggression. It is perfectly possible to be extremely polite, assertive and diplomatic, and confront a difficult situation. It’s a skill.

If you 'don't like confrontation', how do you get your point across when it becomes necessary? Or do you just suffer in silence and, I guess, post here about it instead?

I think that's it. Goes with being a "people pleaser", which is not a good thing. People pleasers are insincere, nobody actually likes them because they don't know who they really are. They just get used by people who don't care about them but will take advantage of the fact they'll do and say anything to be liked. In fact it isn't about pleasing people, it's about not being able to stand not being liked, even by people they don't like themselves!

MN seems to me to be evenly split between people who don’t like confrontation, and people who are raring to confront everyone about everything all the time.