'I don't like confrontation'

[Odoreida]

I see this phrase everywhere on this site and it is often the start of a situation which then escalates. AIBU to say that no-one likes confrontation, but stating your needs / an opposing point of view / pointing out when someone has done something wrong politely and firmly is an essential life skill and it's worrying that so many people don't seem to have it?

Of course you don't want to put yourself in danger, but there are so many situations that can be easily resolved by using your words straight away.

If you 'don't like confrontation', how do you get your point across when it becomes necessary? Or do you just suffer in silence and, I guess, post here about it instead?

But it doesn't work like that always. I have the scars to prove it, and that's why I don't like confrontation - people don't always respond reasonably, and when it's the people who shoukd protect you in life who put you in hospital, there are certainly no guarantees that no kne else will.

I do deal with conflict- there's no one else I can palm it off onto. I can usually do it, unlike in my 20s, when fear would dry my mouth ot and I'd be shaking, so I literally couldn't physically get any words out.

So if you've never had any problems dealing with conflict, them consider yourself privileged.

You lost me at ‘using your words’. Bloody infantilising expression.

When people say they don’t like confrontation, they aren’t assuming everyone else loves it (although some definitely do.) They are, I believe, saying that do what they can to avoid it. Some people are assertive. Some aren’t. We’re all different.

I’m shit at confrontation. Just no assertiveness whatsoever really 😂 I have become more isolated in recent years and it’s quite easy to avoid confrontation when you never see anyone. I don’t have arsehole neighbours so no need for confrontation there. I also have hardly any contact with my colleagues because of the nature of our work so no need for confrontation at work either. At home, I could be confrontational with DH and the DCs if I needed to, but I generally don’t need to.

Luckily my children are more confident and assertive than I am.

I think this can be valid. Equally it can be used as an excuse by people to avoid difficult conversations or actually saying the meaningful stuff.

I hate confrontation but I understand being upfront and addressing issues is actually more productive than forever trying to keep the peace. Trying to avoid confrontation leads to more difficulties long-term, in my experience.

Well said.

NO IT'S NOT!!!!!

(This is a joke. Someone won't realise...)

If you 'don't like confrontation', how do you get your point across when it becomes necessary? Or do you just suffer in silence?

Unfortunately, yes, speaking as a reformed "don't like confrontation" person.

I have reframed it into a LinkedIn-style thing of "passionate about fairness and equality".

(See also: Not My Problem and "oh dear, what are you going to do to about that?" as a response to people fishing for you to sort out a mess of their own making)

You can't get your point across when it comes to my manager, because he will just stomp all over you and ignore whatever you've said. We just suffer in silence and plot his demise...

I find it easier going head-to-head with someone who I got on with, who then turned on me. While they can give it, they can't take it. They are now not speaking to me, so it's nice and peaceful!

I was brought up to not make a fuss, etc. and it hasn't done me any good. I am doing my best to rebel against it as an adult, but it's a bit tricky when anxiety takes over and makes my chest so tight that it's hard to get words out.

I don’t like confrontation because no one can predict how the other person will react.

it might sound extreme but how many people have ended up being stabbed or seriously injured because they confronted unreasonable behaviour?

there are stories in the news every day describing how people have been killed with one punch or glassed and scarred for life or stabbed and killed because they confronted someone

I think that's really insightful. It certainly explains why so many people on here advocate lying to get out of anything that feels uncomfortable.

I must admit it pisses me off sometimes as it is often an excuse. You can stand up for yourself without shouting or being agressive.

This, too.

Most ‘people pleasers’ learned the hard way, early in life, the bad things that can happen when you politely disagree with an outwardly respectable person who is privately insane or sadistic.

They walk among us.

100%

Avoiding confrontation can be quite healthy, when it's things like just not spending time with a certain person anymore. There's almost no point trying to change a difficult person by persuading them to be better, they won't.

I work for myself and don't have a partner, so I have no need for confrontation, I can shape my life to be easy. It's different in a relationship of course when sometimes things do need to be said.

Once in a blue moon I'll need to deescalate a situation (last time about 2 years ago with an angry woman in Waitrose car park!) but much of the time it can be avoided altogether.

Some people thrive on it, they're not my people.

It’s absolutely possible to do that, but it’s not possible to control how the other person responds. Accurately assessing how responsive people will be to polite assertion is also a skill. And so often (difficult neighbour, overly emotional friend, narcissistic mother) you know very well the response will be a massive row and you won’t achieve anything anyway. So you suck it up and leave it or just avoid it because that actually achieves the better outcome.

Agree with the sentiment the OP expresses. There are plenty of things we do that we don't like but are necessary if you are not to be trampled over or worse.

Well yes. Eg I do pull people up when they don’t pick up dog poo. But there are definitely some kinds of owners I would not challenge. And I would also consider time of day, how many others were around etc.

But there are many kind of milder ‘confrontation’ people avoid. Eg asking for a refund..

Except when you confront the wrong person and they 1) physically harm you or 2) become venomous to you and make life much harder.

Yes if everyone was reasonable confrontation could be polite and constructive. But more and more people seem to be ready to burst aflame at the lightest touch.

Extreme social anxiety for me. If someone 'shouts' at me, I have a full blown panic attack. 'Shouting' may include sending me an email or a passive agressive remark. I was also a peacemaker growing up. I know I am pathetic. It has ruined my life.

Yes this pervasive these days and goes hand in hand with lack of resilience. I see it increasingly at work where no one will speak up or argue a point. Everyone is terrified of confrontation or to even express disagreement.

My BF uses this to try and shut down any discussion he doesn't like. If I feel the need to express any dissatisfaction it's "don't have a go at me, confrontation upsets me" when really all I want to do is talk about something that's bothering me.

I don't think you are pathetic at all - it sounds really stressful and I hope that help is out there for you. And the same for everyone who was treated badly at a formative stage of their lives.

Completely agree with this, and I’ve felt this way about some people for a long time! You’re right, dealing with conflict is a very vital life skill!

Yes I agree!

It's not true at all! Some people love needling/starting fuss/could start an argument in an empty house. There's a massive difference between someone calmly standing up for their rights, like "No, I'm not happy to split the bill equally when you've had ten courses and I've had a salad" and someone who loves starting arguments because their SIL didn't obey their specific shade of autumn colours dresscode at their wedding.
There have always been folk like this, but it's only recently that they'd bleat about how amazing they are for it, and criticise others who help keep the peace/know how to be the bigger person.

A lot of people (and I include myself in this) are just not equipped with the vocabulary required to articulate effectively nowadays.

Jane Austen is proof that something very honest, to the point or cutting can be said in a polite and assertive way.