AIBU to think I may have been forgotten / misjudged a friendship when it took one of my (supposed) closest friends over a week to let me know she was ok and baby had arrived safely?

[Thinkingloading]

Trying to keep this brief. Will probably fail, sorry. Scene-setting... Old school friend, close but not in each other's pockets (neither of us are really like that), live a long way from each other, very busy lives with family / social lives / work (both in very full-on jobs), meet up a couple of times a year, go through phases with messaging - can be a couple of months between then have a spell of conversation in which we catch up on life then things go quiet again, mainly we talk about the very important and private stuff that we've both acknowledged we wouldn't really discuss with other people. We've both spoken about how things work, in that regard, and said it suits us - the gaps are not a reflection of the other being unimportant, neither of us are needy and we both just understand each other's lives.

Fast forward... Friend went through IVF, bless her, and her DH works away, all over the world (she does, too). Some appointments she went to by herself and I was the person she called while she was waiting to be seen at those appointments. Pregnancy was relatively ok for her. Second child. She had a CS with first, wanted VBAC with second. We had conversations about it ahead of the birth - both on the same page with wanting a VBAC second time around, both also very pragmatic people (I had an emergency CS with my first but had wanted a water birth - have been advised against VBAC in future). She went overdue but was almost certainly going into hospital for an induction and if baby not been born naturally by X date then it was going to be a CS - some concerns started to crop up about her health and baby's health around her due date.

We messaged on or the day before she was likely going in (because I'd got in touch to find out how an appointment a few days earlier went) but I didn't know if / when she'd actually gone into hospital. I didn't then hear anything at all. Childbirth is a busy time! A week passed (and we were a good few days beyond the final date baby could have been born) so I dropped her a message just to see how she was getting on. No response. A few days later (yesterday) dropped her another message just to say I was thinking of her. Got an immediate response to say that she'd been home a few days, had a busy week, baby girl was born a week earlier, and she was doing ok after a bit of a rough ride.

I totally get that having a baby is utterly crazy and the early days are like being in the trenches. I've been there - very rough surgery, very unsettled baby, having absolutely zero clue how to navigate the new order. I also tried to strike a balance between being there / supportive / interested / consistent but not oppressive or demanding (that's obviously subjective but I think, based on our relationship, I gauged it right). I was concerned about my friend because of the things that started to indicate there may be a problem prior to the birth.

I just have this feeling that I was forgotten in the list of people to inform about her being safe and baby girl being born. Whilst she tells me what an important friend I am, I struggle to get past "actions speak louder than words".

I'm genuinely not an overbearing person. It's something I check with people because I hate others who are overbearing! I am the person who can always be relied on though (by friends or even acquaintances, it transpires) - I think it's the consistency 🤷🏼‍♀️ On the one hand, I am worried that I've expected too much of my friend. On the other hand, I am concerned I have misjudged the friendship and I'm perhaps not as important to her as I had thought.

AIBU to think I may have been forgotten / misjudged a friendship when it took one of my (supposed) closest friends over a week to let me know she was ok and baby had arrived safely?

I would be equally disappointed as you are but she said “rough ride” so maybe wait until you her story. People that say “it’s not about you” i don’t agree. If you are a true caring friend, you would like to know if your friend & baby are safe. Just that!

Is it genuinely easy to forget someone in the midst of everything

Yes, it is ridiculously easy to forget to tell someone - even someone important to you - in the aftermath of a difficult birth.

Add in an existing child who needs handling carefully to avoid jealousy, the bizarre few days where there's no difference between day and night and all the other issues following a newborn and to be frank it's a miracle to remember your own name, never mind social niceties.

When I had important news to share at a difficult time I hit the WhatsApp groups as my first port of call, figuring that covered most people and asking them to pass the news on. When I eventually came up for air again I went through and told people I missed in the first rush.

That didn't mean I cared any less. I just did what I could manage.

I think you’re being a bit insecure by comparing your friendship with her with other people’s friendships with her based on the timeline of when she let you know vs them know.

I think you need to challenge yourself to let it go and see your friendship as something precious and wonderful in it’s own right whether you are one of her ‘closest’ friends or not. It’s true what they say: comparison is the thief of joy.

However on a practical note it’s probably more that she received a message from the group chat asking how things were going at a time when she was fully awake and sat down already looking at her phone and when she got your message she was in the middle of something and got distracted.

I would think that the school friends got a generic “ baby arrived, mum and baby doing well” message on a group chat, either from her or even from her partner. She probably wanted to send you something more. May be read your first message, went to reply then something happened so your second message prompted her to respond properly. I wouldn’t overthink it. My mind was mush after my son was born I literally had lists for when I’d taken painkillers last, which boob I breast Feb from last. Etc etc. things slip your mind.

Omg you are delusional. New baby joy and chaos. Family first. Why would you be at the forefront of her thoughts?

Oh my goodness, this isn’t about you! She mentioned she had a rough time. I imagine her priorities were her new baby, her child and her immediate recovery. Not your ego.

Yeah, you're making it about you. I forgot to tell my own dad as shit was going down but it was still days later when he happened to ring me. Its exhausting and all encompassing.

My youngest daughter was born via c-section in lockdown, on my own. It was wonderful, but pretty stressful without my DH.

Like your friend, I had a lot to deal with, and found the post natal period after so much harder than my first two pregnancies. Your poor friend is probaby totally overwhelmed, recovering from the birth, and deep in hormonal fluctuations which are possibly worse after IVF. Send her love and think of her but don't take the lack of communication too personally. I understand why you feel the way you do, but a little empathy goes a long way.

Happened to me. Such similar circumstances. I was so stressed that they were ok, didn't want to over ask. So waited till I could wait no more. And found out it all was ok over a week earlier. My feelings similar to yours.

I was the non-contacting friend in this situation and it did somehow completely slip my mind to message my friend despite being my best and oldest friend.

We are in a similar situation in as much as we do not see each other regularly because of extreme distance and we are in sporadic contact because we just don't have the time for regular long phone calls (which they inevitably always are!), but she's the only person who even knew I was pregnant for months (before my parents and my kids!) and she is truly my favourite person.

But I was tired, I messaged the people I see regularly who were at the event I would have been at had I not been in hospital, and I updated parents and siblings and somehow she got left off the list. 😬

It is absolutely no reflection of how I feel about her or her importance in my life, it was just a busy, slightly overwhelming time and I somehow just forgot. Awful, but utterly unrelated to the importance I place on our friendship which I hope will continue until one of us dies.

This.

this. It’s a small town. Unless you know she specifically messaged the friends in the card shop, I’d assume they heard on the grapevine. Friend’s DH went out for milk, bumped into third party, told them the happy news and third party mentioned it to mutual friend, kind of thing. Don’t take it personally. It’s not a snub.

Maybe someone from the other group contacted her and that led to her telling them.

Maybe in the haze she thought she’d messaged you when she hadn’t.

I had a traumatic forceps delivery with a significant postpartum haemorrhage and my baby was born with a congenital defect that needed investigating and also went to SCBU with possible sepsis. The last thing on my mind was informing people that the baby had arrived. Your friend also has an older child who will be demanding her time and attention.

I would chalk this one up to circumstances and not take it so personally. If it’s still bothering you in a few weeks then have a gentle chat with her once she’s out of the newborn trenches and explain how you felt.

think your detail on this thread could be quite outing … send congrats glad to hear and don’t feel to bad we feel what we feel and you will move beyond it

Hi OP,

I just wanted to add something, obviously I have no idea how your friend views your friendship but I am 5 weeks postpartum. I was induced at 38 weeks due to concerns around baby measuring big as I didn't want a c section, I was full of anxiety and terrified about delivery (I had reason to be due to past issues) 3 days of failed attempts at induction, I hadn't slept in 72 hours, I then had an emergency c section, ended up with complications, didn't sleep for a further 3 nights.

Reading through my WhatsApp after I honestly couldn't recall sending half the messages. I'm pretty sure I told my neighbours before I told my dad... it was very random who I had told and what I had said, mainly because i was trying to message/respond to people, not to be rude. I ended up apologising to people because it ended up days before I got back to them. The ones I got back to straight away just happened to message me at the exact moment I had my phone in my hand.

It wasn't intentional, everything was just a blur, I think I would genuinely judge your friendship based on your normal relationship and not this

It's not about you.

Sorry OP, I think your friend is just trying to stay alive at this point, I'm surprised she even knows her own name, let alone remembers who to text. Even if some other friends found out before you, it's hard to imagine any malice there. She's just really been through the wringer,

I think my work colleagues found out several days before two of my best mates. I forgot to tell one of my brothers (who is closer than work friends).

Birth wasn’t a smooth ride, I had patches of wanting to be messaging and patches when was totally beyond me.

Texting the work group chat was an easy one. Picture of cute side of baby, generic comment about she’s adorable. Replies back all basic congrats. Card came in the post.

Husband did the telling family bit as I was absolutely not fit for that in the appropriate time frame.

Long term good mates felt like they were more meaningful messages and my brain wasn’t up to managing that. I forgot to reply to lots of things because I read them and they went into the ‘later’ bucket that was a black hole becayse my brain wasn’t up to fried. Text brother an update after about a fortnight, only when he pointed it out 6 months later did I realise never actually told him baby had arrived.

I wouldn’t take anything someone does in the fortnight after birth as a meaningful reflection on anything.

Although OP, this might cheer you up with my second I managed to message my sister just after he was born, literally about 3 minutes after I pushed him out... the loving arrival message she was eagerly awaiting didn't come. Instead she received...

"Done"

I actually don't think she knew I was in labour at the time; just knew I was being induced that day, the response was "done what?" I sent her a pic of a very new baby covered in blood and gunk

YABU. Move on.

Oh no op. I let my messages pile up after I had my first - think it was the shock of the new order when we took our new baby home and it wasn’t like the movies - all serene etc. it was chaotic. She probably just replied to you when she had a few minutes as she was getting around to messages etc
dont be hard on her or yourself.

Yes YABU, she has just had a second baby. It must be a massive adjustment.

I agree! I am surprised by the comments on here so far!
My first birth didn't go according to 'plan' and I had a bigger recovery than I wanted but I still messaged people that day!
A mum friend I only met less than 2 years ago messaged me from the hospital when she recently had her 2nd and we have only arranged to meet up a couple of times ever. So, yes, OP, it is weird. But not sure what you can do? Pull back if you want or maintain the level of friendship you want to give and don't expect too much?

She has just had a baby !!!!
It's not about YOU.

I think you’re getting a hard time OP but I’d feel really hurt by this. It takes two seconds to send a text and it sounds like you were close enough to discuss intimate details of the birth beforehand. I’d be taken aback to then discover the baby was a week old and other people already knew.