AIBU to think I may have been forgotten / misjudged a friendship when it took one of my (supposed) closest friends over a week to let me know she was ok and baby had arrived safely?

[Thinkingloading]

Trying to keep this brief. Will probably fail, sorry. Scene-setting... Old school friend, close but not in each other's pockets (neither of us are really like that), live a long way from each other, very busy lives with family / social lives / work (both in very full-on jobs), meet up a couple of times a year, go through phases with messaging - can be a couple of months between then have a spell of conversation in which we catch up on life then things go quiet again, mainly we talk about the very important and private stuff that we've both acknowledged we wouldn't really discuss with other people. We've both spoken about how things work, in that regard, and said it suits us - the gaps are not a reflection of the other being unimportant, neither of us are needy and we both just understand each other's lives.

Fast forward... Friend went through IVF, bless her, and her DH works away, all over the world (she does, too). Some appointments she went to by herself and I was the person she called while she was waiting to be seen at those appointments. Pregnancy was relatively ok for her. Second child. She had a CS with first, wanted VBAC with second. We had conversations about it ahead of the birth - both on the same page with wanting a VBAC second time around, both also very pragmatic people (I had an emergency CS with my first but had wanted a water birth - have been advised against VBAC in future). She went overdue but was almost certainly going into hospital for an induction and if baby not been born naturally by X date then it was going to be a CS - some concerns started to crop up about her health and baby's health around her due date.

We messaged on or the day before she was likely going in (because I'd got in touch to find out how an appointment a few days earlier went) but I didn't know if / when she'd actually gone into hospital. I didn't then hear anything at all. Childbirth is a busy time! A week passed (and we were a good few days beyond the final date baby could have been born) so I dropped her a message just to see how she was getting on. No response. A few days later (yesterday) dropped her another message just to say I was thinking of her. Got an immediate response to say that she'd been home a few days, had a busy week, baby girl was born a week earlier, and she was doing ok after a bit of a rough ride.

I totally get that having a baby is utterly crazy and the early days are like being in the trenches. I've been there - very rough surgery, very unsettled baby, having absolutely zero clue how to navigate the new order. I also tried to strike a balance between being there / supportive / interested / consistent but not oppressive or demanding (that's obviously subjective but I think, based on our relationship, I gauged it right). I was concerned about my friend because of the things that started to indicate there may be a problem prior to the birth.

I just have this feeling that I was forgotten in the list of people to inform about her being safe and baby girl being born. Whilst she tells me what an important friend I am, I struggle to get past "actions speak louder than words".

I'm genuinely not an overbearing person. It's something I check with people because I hate others who are overbearing! I am the person who can always be relied on though (by friends or even acquaintances, it transpires) - I think it's the consistency 🤷🏼‍♀️ On the one hand, I am worried that I've expected too much of my friend. On the other hand, I am concerned I have misjudged the friendship and I'm perhaps not as important to her as I had thought.

AIBU to think I may have been forgotten / misjudged a friendship when it took one of my (supposed) closest friends over a week to let me know she was ok and baby had arrived safely?

So many things could have happened here, none of them having any bearing on how she feels about your friendship.

eg. Perhaps one of the school friends directly contacted her during a period of clarity, and she had the bandwidth to reply, all good. That friend then may have circulated to the wider friendship group.

If she's your friend, assume she hasn't meant to hurt you during a very tumultous time, she's just going through a lot of stuff at the moment. And as you value her friednship, acknowledge that and step away from the whys and wherefores. You know the babay's here, you've sent your best wishes, the timing of the information can just drop away, right?

Overthinking will ruin your friendship. That’s about it

I think there is a decent chance that one of her school friends bumped into someone in her family and found out about the baby, then messaged the group to be helpful as your friend had a rough time and was exhausted. It wouldnt have included you as you said you arent in that WhatsApp chat. Since you live 6 hrs away, you also dont have the possibility of bumping into her DH or Mum or whatever running out to buy more nappies or milk or a bar of chocolate etc and finding out that way.

The thing is you are unlikely to ever know why the school friends found out first unless you ask your friend. But that is something you probably should not do for at least 3 months to give your friend a chance to find her feet emotionally and physically after the birth. So the question is, are you going to be OK not knowing. Can you look at the situation and go - there are many possible stories of what happened, and they are all equally likely to be true…. So I am going to choose to feel x or y about our friendship and be content with that.

take a look at The Work by Byron Katie. You might find it helpful in explaining this technique. There are some good videos of it on youtube as well but try and look at the ones with Byron Katie herself

Ah ok I missed that part.

We didn’t tell anyone our first was born (other than our mums) for a week. It honestly didn’t even occur to me. I wasn’t even brushing my teeth regularly.

But why does it matter? The only question is do you personally value and enjoy this person's company? If yes, why is it so important to know where you rank in her list of priorities?
I have a friend like that - school friend that I see a couple of times a year and talk to intermittently. I have never once wanted to ascertain how far up I sit in her list of close friends. All I care about is that we have a chance to sit in her kitchen a few times a year, drink wine, eat cheese and gossip. That's all.

Wow.
She had a rough birth. Did you register that?

Just send her some delicious food, a babygrow and congratulations card in which you say, no need to reply. Let's meet up when you're ready. No rush.

Do you know that she messaged the group?
You know one person in the group knew the baby had come before you were told, but was that through a group message, or her bumping into the husband out buying nappies, or her Mum bumping into your friend's mum in hte park etc?

I think her reference to having had a 'rough ride' tells a big story.

You have the friendship you have - it will stabilise back to how it has always been.

You don't need to be giving it a Tripadvisor Review on how many stars she gives you as a friend or assessing or judging the friendship.

The bottom line is: You are not there helping. You are not a MIL or DM looking after her other kids, cooking a casserole or whatever.

She is dealing with day to day imperatives.

You are buying a card and wanting updates.

So you're an old school friend but you aren't in the old school friends group?

Maybe you aren't such close friends as you thought?

I think YABU. She was having a baby, not going on holiday; and how to inform her friends and in what order won't have been the first thing on her mind.

I do understand what you are feeling but You are overthinking and need to get over it. This however is the very reason that I suggested when DGC was born that we needed a WhatsApp group to announce the birth. They have family around the world and I didn’t want anyone to get upset. It worked.

This post makes me feel claustrophobic. It’s so intense and petty and needy to react this way. She told some other people before she told you. That’s all there is. It doesn’t mean anything. It’s not about who is more important or who is the best friend or the closest friend. You’re not in high school. The fact you’ve done this before and fallen out about her not giving you enough attention is also pretty telling. Get over yourself and grow up.

After having a baby for many people your brain is utterly fried. I remember dreading opening texts as the idea of sending even brief messages was exhausting to me. I couldn’t process information or put things into words. I lost track of time. I couldn’t remember who I had messaged or not. I definitely forgot to message people who I care about deeply in the first weeks and thank god none of them took it like you have. And my births were both pretty good!!

It is not about you. Stop making things about you. Instead of sitting around wondering about this and questioning her as a friend spend some time figuring out why this was your reaction and how to address it as it isn’t ok.

I’ve been in a similar situation…I wasn’t physically close to the friend but we had been very close in the past and I checked in regularly throughout her pregnancy and so on. Obviously was left off the ‘list’ (about 15 years ago so just a group text-drawn up beforehand- sent by the dad was standard back then) and only found out several weeks later when I asked if everything was ok. I decided we weren’t as close as I’d thought and took a step back. We now see each other every couple of years as group events and it’s pleasant enough 🤷‍♀️

I thought the same as @Screamingabdabz. You are massively overthinking this and need to stop. Please don’t mention any of this to her or anyone else irl, you’ll be seen as making it all about you. Just be happy for her and be normal with her.

OP has already said she's likely autistic. Why would you reply with something like this. Overthinking can be a problem, but under thinking isn't great either.

maybe she had an issue? Maybe she actually was worried for the baby for the first couple of days?

You say you get how busy the postpartum period is, but it reads like you don’t. She has her first child to consider, family, her baby and all the crazy hormones/baby blues. Cut her some slack.

You don't know what she's been through in that time especially with juggling two. When my son was born I had an hour holding him with my eyes closed the night after giving birth, 20 mins sleep the next night, the cluster feeding was insane. We did manage video calls to close family and friends the day after he was born but I was shattered in the days following. I'm sure you're close and she's just been underwater, and will be grateful for you checking in

Massive overthink.

Maybe it slipped her mind thinking to inform you. Maybe she sent a message to the group chat and forgot to message individuals who weren’t in it. She’s just had a baby, is knackered and told you after a few days. You’d have heard if anything dreadful had happened, no news usually means baby has arrived, mum will get round to sharing a pic with you when she gets chance

Massively overthinking this and making it about you 🙈. I mean when I had my youngest via section (there were complications with being 3rd section) my bestest friends got engaged the day after he was born. I saw, read her text and didn’t text her congrats for 5 days. I mean nearly 3 years later she jokes about it and I joke about how my section was planned couldn’t her now husband have planned the proposal around my section but equally she understood and didn’t once question our years of friendship.

You were not her top priority and in all honesty you prob did get forgotten about BUT would have been you and the rest of the world. She will be in her own bubble with her much longed and awaited baby with her husband and immediate family…..can you not just see it for what it is instead of second guessing how much your friendship means to her

I think you’re entitled to feel a little bit hurt but that’s all. I’d acknowledge this to yourself then move on and carry on the friendship as it was before.

I think some of the comments are a bit unfair. I think you were concerned and hurt after supporting her that she didnt even get hubby to send you a little pic. Although being a few years removed from baby land, as others have said she may have had a traumatic birth and have been ill, there could be an issue with baby. If good friends maybe something you could bring up at a much later date face to face. I get it!

I mean this in the nicest way possible but you need to get over yourself! She could be still on heavy painkillers, busy with the baby, busy with family etc.
It's not due to you being bottom of the list but she has probably just been preoccupied, please don't over think this..
Just be there for her the best you can :)

OP I read through all your posts and think you sound like a lovely friend, I agree she probably just sent a quick message to the group and family and didn't think to message individually.
Just catch up with her in person when she's ready, she probably had a rough ride which it sounds like you know all about this.
Just don't overthink this, it's not about you personally!