AIBU to think I may have been forgotten / misjudged a friendship when it took one of my (supposed) closest friends over a week to let me know she was ok and baby had arrived safely?

[Thinkingloading]

Trying to keep this brief. Will probably fail, sorry. Scene-setting... Old school friend, close but not in each other's pockets (neither of us are really like that), live a long way from each other, very busy lives with family / social lives / work (both in very full-on jobs), meet up a couple of times a year, go through phases with messaging - can be a couple of months between then have a spell of conversation in which we catch up on life then things go quiet again, mainly we talk about the very important and private stuff that we've both acknowledged we wouldn't really discuss with other people. We've both spoken about how things work, in that regard, and said it suits us - the gaps are not a reflection of the other being unimportant, neither of us are needy and we both just understand each other's lives.

Fast forward... Friend went through IVF, bless her, and her DH works away, all over the world (she does, too). Some appointments she went to by herself and I was the person she called while she was waiting to be seen at those appointments. Pregnancy was relatively ok for her. Second child. She had a CS with first, wanted VBAC with second. We had conversations about it ahead of the birth - both on the same page with wanting a VBAC second time around, both also very pragmatic people (I had an emergency CS with my first but had wanted a water birth - have been advised against VBAC in future). She went overdue but was almost certainly going into hospital for an induction and if baby not been born naturally by X date then it was going to be a CS - some concerns started to crop up about her health and baby's health around her due date.

We messaged on or the day before she was likely going in (because I'd got in touch to find out how an appointment a few days earlier went) but I didn't know if / when she'd actually gone into hospital. I didn't then hear anything at all. Childbirth is a busy time! A week passed (and we were a good few days beyond the final date baby could have been born) so I dropped her a message just to see how she was getting on. No response. A few days later (yesterday) dropped her another message just to say I was thinking of her. Got an immediate response to say that she'd been home a few days, had a busy week, baby girl was born a week earlier, and she was doing ok after a bit of a rough ride.

I totally get that having a baby is utterly crazy and the early days are like being in the trenches. I've been there - very rough surgery, very unsettled baby, having absolutely zero clue how to navigate the new order. I also tried to strike a balance between being there / supportive / interested / consistent but not oppressive or demanding (that's obviously subjective but I think, based on our relationship, I gauged it right). I was concerned about my friend because of the things that started to indicate there may be a problem prior to the birth.

I just have this feeling that I was forgotten in the list of people to inform about her being safe and baby girl being born. Whilst she tells me what an important friend I am, I struggle to get past "actions speak louder than words".

I'm genuinely not an overbearing person. It's something I check with people because I hate others who are overbearing! I am the person who can always be relied on though (by friends or even acquaintances, it transpires) - I think it's the consistency 🤷🏼‍♀️ On the one hand, I am worried that I've expected too much of my friend. On the other hand, I am concerned I have misjudged the friendship and I'm perhaps not as important to her as I had thought.

AIBU to think I may have been forgotten / misjudged a friendship when it took one of my (supposed) closest friends over a week to let me know she was ok and baby had arrived safely?

No. I'm not in that group and don't see / speak to them but a couple live by me and, by chance, I bumped into one of them in the card shop and they mentioned having sent her a card last week (I was buying a "new baby" card).

I wonder if maybe you’re not as close as you think you are? My very closest friend we message at least every other day and I see her at least once a month! My other close but not as close friends I still see more than twice a year!! But I wouldn’t get huffy if anyone didn’t message back for a week I just assume they’re busy even if a message got read and not responded to, people get distracted and sidetracked! Sounds like she’s had a tough few days, she could have had a tough birth struggling to BF, struggling to sleep any number of things with a new baby! She could have thought you were on the school friends chat? I’d give the poor girl some slack and don’t make this all about you.

IVF is a really tough process to go through for anyone. It's so demanding on a woman's body. And she had to go through a lot of it alone with DH working away and family not being nearby.

She perhaps updated a few groups all in one go, or her partner did, before getting to individuals.
She could equally well be posting about her friend who didn’t check in despite knowing it was DDay.

I had a panicked call from a relative when she thought shit hit the fan during her DD’s bay’s delivery. I calmed her down, talked her through it, and waited to hear. And waited. And waited. She forgot or didn’t bother to tell me that all was well. I spent the day thinking there was a tragedy underway. I’ve never quite forgiven her. It’s a family tradition, ring me when you are panicking then ignore me when all’s well.

Maybe her labour hadn't gone as well as she hoped and wasn't ready to relay yet?other people had a quick message but she knew you're genuinely expecting the entire story.

Sorry but it isn't difficult to send a generic test with photo to friends so I'm with you on this op. Feeling rubbish in a friendship is crap.

I wouldn’t overthink this. Also… this is just a thought, if she sends you a quick message so you reply with a massive long message back? I’m not saying you do but I had the dread at ever messaging one friend as I would get an essay back when I was just doing a quick update or check in and it ended up it got too much. Just send her a card or a gift or whatever and give her peace just now I think.

'A bit of a rough ride' is going to be doing a lot of work there. When labour is difficult or complicated it is really awful in a way that you didn't think humans still had to suffer in the 21st century, quite honestly. And then you are expected to care for a whole new human being and know how to do it as well.

You can choose to take this personally or you can choose to think she is probably doing her best after having fallen down a rabbit hole and needs you to cut her a bit of slack at the moment. You can still be delighted, supportive, and as friendly as you always are. That can be your gift to her.

You’ve been overlooked because you’re slightly closer than a group chat message, but not as close as family, so sending you an individually curated message was probably more of an effort than she had bandwidth for. Don’t overthink it.

I dunno! When we had our babies, both c/s - first emergency, then planned. We contacted close friends straight away, some came to hospital, some came when I got home. Have lovely pictures of friends and family holding the babies etc.
So yes, I think she or her dh could e sent a message - baby arrived, all doing well.

You’re extremely sympathetic to her busy work life and acknowledge you have one too so understand your friendship isn’t built upon constant contact, then you get upset because she forgot to message you in the week following the birth of her child.

That's pretty much my question - are we perhaps not as close as I thought (there's more to it than this as, a few years ago, I quietly wound down the friendship because she was a bit crap but she came back with huge apologies and asked if I'd give her another chance).

The comments about me thinking I'm at the centre of the universe are so wildly simplistic they are just unhelpful.

I have congratulated her, sent her a card and gift for the baby, and said I'm really looking forward to whenever I get to see her again and meet the little one. That's it 🤷🏼‍♀️

And I didn't think anything of the week wait until I bumped into this other person in the card shop.

So, now, I'm here, thinking... Is it genuinely easy to forget someone in the midst of everything or is it a reflection of that person not being overly important?

She’s had a rough ride. You say a friends group were told a few days after birth. So maybe she forgot you. Or word got to the friends group via someone else?

i’d be a little hurt OP, but not to the extent that you do t think the friendship is as close as you believed. I’d put it down to her having finally had a much longed for and fought for baby. She’s had a subsequently rough ride and is now possibly overwhelmed by all that has happened and the change in the family dynamic from 3 to 4.

i think you are being quite needy and possibly not considering how much has been going on for her in the past 10 days. You’re taking it personally and finding offence when is likely that none was meant. Perhaps wait until she has chance to tell you how everything went before judging her?

When I had mine we didn't have mobile phones so we had to send notices by post, I was in hospital with my first for 12 days after she was born and nobody other than family found out for weeks. 🤣

I'm sure your friendship is important to her but you're not her only friend/relative/etc. Wait your turn.

She had a rough birth and also its her 2nd child, a newborn and a toddler(?) is full on. Especially if she has no family nearby to help.

Exact same thing happened to me
I didn’t message anyone and didn’t reply to any messages ask was in ICU and my baby in NICU and all I had the capacity to thing was how they were doing while also trying to recover myself
my mother informed family and my friends started messaging her as they were worried and she replied to them
Give your friend a break

Why are you doing this to yourself?

Why are you looking to grade where you are in her affections?

You are in her life because she wants you to be and that means she values you.

But you aren't in regular contact, go long stretches without talking and don't see each other often. You won't be in her regular group whatsapps. So no, you were not a priority to be one of the first to be told. You don't need to be so sad about this. You already know that this is the level of friendship that you have.

Yeah, perhaps so.

I didn't keep checking in on her around D-day because she'd said how everything through IVF was so planned she wanted some spontaneity where she could have it, so I stepped back and then thought nothing of it (until the card shop!). I was genuinely worried about her, though, so I wanted to hear she was ok but, at the same time, could understand the silence (again, until the card shop!).

So, now, I'm here, thinking... Is it genuinely easy to forget someone in the midst of everything or is it a reflection of that person not being overly important?

Yes it is and no it isn't!

Stop looking for offence, and just be happy for your friend! No good will come of you doing anything else. Do you really want this to be the end of your friendship with her??

Jeepers. She said herself that she had a rough ride. Under the circumstances, a week isn't long at all. It's not all about you.

You seem very self-centred OP.
I was still in hospital a week after giving birth, with cannulas in both DS and me. I assume DH told our parents and one of them mentioned it to my DSis but I certainly wasn’t chatting to casual friends or having visitors!

I called my first birth 'a bit of a rough ride' to friends etc.

Because I couldn't really process what had happened.
Because I didn't really want to be reliving it in those early days
Because I'd lost so much blood I passed out every time I tried to stand
Because I couldn't get to see my baby in NICU unless someone took me in a wheel chair.
Because when we got home a week later, I'd had no sleep, had so many stitches I couldn't walk and it hurt to sit down.

But hey, I'm sure I sent a message to my friend as soon as I was back on the ward....

Wow. The fact you have checked with others if you're overbearing makes me think you possibly are I'm afraid! As does this massive overthink.

I felt awful when one of my friends (Friend A) forwarded a message from my friend from a different friendship group (Friend B) about 3 weeks after I'd had my baby as I had completely forgotten to reply to Friend B's messages from just before and just after I'd had the baby. They probably came in at a time I couldn't reply immediately and therefore, I forgot. And you get so many messages around the time and just after your baby is due so they easily get lost.

It's easy to send a quick message with a photo on a group chat (which sounds like it happened with your friend's school pals) than it is a 1-2-1 message I think as well, as there is more detail and personalisation required for a 1-2-1 message. Especially if she had messages from you that she hadn't responded to yet.

The fact that she replied to your second message immediately makes me think that your first message just came at a point where she was quite busy, she probably just put the phone down and forgot you’d text, which is easily done, especially as she’s said she had a bit of a rough time. Maybe someone in the other group of people just happened to send her a text when she wasn’t busy and she had chance to reply there and then. I wouldn’t take it personally, is not like she had ignored both of your messages.

Oh, absolutely. And at whatever point she let me know the news, I wasn't expecting more than the generic message that goes to everyone! Talking about whatever she wants / doesn't want in relation to the birth (or anything else) is for her in her own time.

she was doing ok after a bit of a rough ride

Could be anything from a small tear or difficulty feeding to ICU for her or baby. Women tend to minimise childbirth, would you have reacted differently if she'd said 'sorry for not being in touch but we've all been to hell and back and needed a few days to get it together enough to message anyone outside of immediate family who absolutely do know what we've actually been through over the last week'

You should be offering to take a meal round, not questioning where in the hierarchy of 'need to tell everyone how my private medical experience went' you are.

Yay, a new baby, should be a moment of celebration!