AIBU to think I may have been forgotten / misjudged a friendship when it took one of my (supposed) closest friends over a week to let me know she was ok and baby had arrived safely?

[Thinkingloading]

Trying to keep this brief. Will probably fail, sorry. Scene-setting... Old school friend, close but not in each other's pockets (neither of us are really like that), live a long way from each other, very busy lives with family / social lives / work (both in very full-on jobs), meet up a couple of times a year, go through phases with messaging - can be a couple of months between then have a spell of conversation in which we catch up on life then things go quiet again, mainly we talk about the very important and private stuff that we've both acknowledged we wouldn't really discuss with other people. We've both spoken about how things work, in that regard, and said it suits us - the gaps are not a reflection of the other being unimportant, neither of us are needy and we both just understand each other's lives.

Fast forward... Friend went through IVF, bless her, and her DH works away, all over the world (she does, too). Some appointments she went to by herself and I was the person she called while she was waiting to be seen at those appointments. Pregnancy was relatively ok for her. Second child. She had a CS with first, wanted VBAC with second. We had conversations about it ahead of the birth - both on the same page with wanting a VBAC second time around, both also very pragmatic people (I had an emergency CS with my first but had wanted a water birth - have been advised against VBAC in future). She went overdue but was almost certainly going into hospital for an induction and if baby not been born naturally by X date then it was going to be a CS - some concerns started to crop up about her health and baby's health around her due date.

We messaged on or the day before she was likely going in (because I'd got in touch to find out how an appointment a few days earlier went) but I didn't know if / when she'd actually gone into hospital. I didn't then hear anything at all. Childbirth is a busy time! A week passed (and we were a good few days beyond the final date baby could have been born) so I dropped her a message just to see how she was getting on. No response. A few days later (yesterday) dropped her another message just to say I was thinking of her. Got an immediate response to say that she'd been home a few days, had a busy week, baby girl was born a week earlier, and she was doing ok after a bit of a rough ride.

I totally get that having a baby is utterly crazy and the early days are like being in the trenches. I've been there - very rough surgery, very unsettled baby, having absolutely zero clue how to navigate the new order. I also tried to strike a balance between being there / supportive / interested / consistent but not oppressive or demanding (that's obviously subjective but I think, based on our relationship, I gauged it right). I was concerned about my friend because of the things that started to indicate there may be a problem prior to the birth.

I just have this feeling that I was forgotten in the list of people to inform about her being safe and baby girl being born. Whilst she tells me what an important friend I am, I struggle to get past "actions speak louder than words".

I'm genuinely not an overbearing person. It's something I check with people because I hate others who are overbearing! I am the person who can always be relied on though (by friends or even acquaintances, it transpires) - I think it's the consistency 🤷🏼‍♀️ On the one hand, I am worried that I've expected too much of my friend. On the other hand, I am concerned I have misjudged the friendship and I'm perhaps not as important to her as I had thought.

AIBU to think I may have been forgotten / misjudged a friendship when it took one of my (supposed) closest friends over a week to let me know she was ok and baby had arrived safely?

Absolutely ready to accept I'm overthinking ☺️

And totally get the dreaded concern of the long response but I'm sensitive to those things (and she knows it) so when there's something up, and she lets me know, she'll get something short and sweet back, with a "here if / when you want / need me - no pressure - will be thinking of you and hope all goes ok".

I'm generally hands off, until I need to be hands on. So that's my standard approach so, for example, when the shit hit the fan for her some years ago in the middle of the night, I was ready to immediately jump in the car and drive the 6 hours to her if she needed me to (I know none of her other friends would have done that). She knew I was serious but also not pushy and I trusted that she'd be honest whether she wanted / needed that.

I've sent her congratulations, a card and a gift for baby. As far as she's aware, I haven't had any of these thoughts! This is me, now, pondering.

Kindly, I think YABU. She said she had a rough ride. That could have been many things and probably not resolved/processed.

If you have usually a happy supportive friendship, let go of of your hurt, because I dont think it is about you and her. I think its probably about about her experience, the birth, the baby, physical and mental health,immediate family etc.

Ypu do sound like a decent friend who cares and wants to support (but she's not in that place for your support yet)

I understand why you are feeling a bit sensitive over this, I might well feel the same but I also know I can go weeks when I'm very busy or dealing with a difficult situation, without thinking much about my friends and even temporarily 'forget' about one. Then when I have plenty of time on my hands, I start wondering why they're not bothering to contact me. I expect you have been in a similar situation here - waiting for news while she is up to her eyes in all the complications.

Maybe stop assuming you are one of her closest friends though, and settle for being one of her friends. Friendships do vary a lot over time and sometimes fade away. I used to see myself as someone who would never let something fade but I realise now I have done so - sometimes just down to decreasing contact which makes it feel like we no longer have a connection - often due to life taking different directions.

After she told me the news, I went to the card shop to buy a card for her. I bumped into one of the school friends (a couple of them live in the same town as me) who saw me buying the "new baby" card and said she'd sent one up to her last week.

I do get that. I've had a "rough ride" myself during and after birth so I had no expectations. I also have no idea what juggling two must be like so expected it could be a while until she was in touch. It was just when I learned she'd let other friends know last week that it made me wonder.

I hadn't thought of it that way. Thanks so much for taking the time to respond. From what I know of her that does actually sound like a plausible explanation.

Yeah, we tend to share the big life events 🤷🏼‍♀️ Or, at least, I had thought so.

Maybe she hadn’t let the others know? I tasked DH with letting people know for all of mine. He slipped up and missed people here and there. Maybe your friends DH did the school group and you slipped by him? Who knows, who cares, it’s absolutely not a big deal unless you view yourself as the centre of the universe.

With my first I thought I had texted all my friends but it turned out half the messages hadn't sent. Didn't find out until about a year later when someone told me they were a bit upset to find out on Facebook. So I would just give her the benefit of the doubt for loads of reasons.

Is this really about you needing her more than she needs you, and this has made this visible?

Is she perhaps your strongest friendship, whereas she has plenty of other strong friendships?

So this has made you realise there is not an equality in how much each of you 'depends' on your friendship.

Your story about you would have driven six hours when none of her other friends would, does seem to suggest that you think she should rate you more highly than her other friends and you have now realised that perhaps she does not.

Regardless, the fact she keeps in touch with you, and even meets up with you, despite you being a harder to maintain friend given the distance does mean that she values you a lot. If I were you I would not throw this away by placing too much meaning on the new baby message timing. Look at the evidence of the fact she has put in the work to maintain the friendship when you would be easy to drop. Don't throw away all the years of evidence of her valuing you over one missed text.

Yeah, maybe so, and, yes, she probably is overwhelmed and it's been a lot for her. I genuinely hadn't thought anything of not hearing from her (as much as I wanted to know she was ok) until the card shop.

It's honestly not that I'm needy. It's the disparity that has made me question where I really sit. And maybe that's an unreasonable time at which to question things but I can't help that learning her other school friends (who hadn't been so close to her on her journey to pregnancy) had got "the message" while I hadn't.

I had an horrendous time during labour, birth and afterwards (I still couldn't really move or walk after a week - it took months), my baby didn't feed for days etc, so I'm not oblivious to what it's like.

You were definitely forgotten or at least very low down on the list. I don't care how busy other new mums claim to be after childbirth. Everyone had ample opportunity to send a quick text confirming safe delivery to anyone they wanted.

@DrFoxtrot the difference with 20 years ago is that you couldn’t be constantly bombarded with messages once you told people!

I totally understand that and had no expectations to hear (as much as I wanted to know she was ok). It was just when I learned that she'd let the group of school friends know within the first couple of days that it made me question things.

Honestly? Because I got burned before. By her.

Some years ago, I slowly pulled away from the friendship and she came back a while later with a tonne of apologies for being shitty and telling me how much I meant to her - she asked if I'd give her another chance.

I'm not one to maintain friendships for the sake of it and I really don't mind them coming to and end (if that's where they're at - circle of life and all).

We don't see each other regularly purely because of the distance, and she's told me the group chat with the school friends doesn't get much attention from her, these days, either. Neither of us are the type of people to be in regular contact with any of our friends so it's not unique to either of us, just the sort of people we are. We do, however, update each other on life events and discuss the things that we wouldn't share with anyone else. So, yeah, on that basis I just found it a bit odd that she'd message a group of school friends but not me.

I chose YAB very U initially because you didn't mention that other school friends had been told. If you are right about that, then I think YAB a bit less U. If that was intentional, then I could see why you would feel a bit hurt and disappointed and feel you had misjudged the level of your friendship. On the other hand, it may have been a pure slip at a time when everything was pretty challenging for your friend. Maybe she thought she'd messaged you but got distracted. Very easily done!

Try not to overthink it and just see where things go from here.

I know how you feel like you very close old friend from school. Lives a way from me so we only met up every so often but contact by phone etcPregnant and she told me, all fine, didn’t hear on or around due date, left it for a couple of weeks, maybe late etc. phoned her oh yes xx arrived two weeks ago but we have not told people in the village yet, so obviously I was not a close friend as she said having been lumped in with the village(although with her first two by her first husband they called me the day after they were born).

Then with her next I didn’t even know she was pregnant until I arrived to visits and she’s bouncing said baby on her lap! Even then she didn’t explain I had to ask

needless to say it’s not a close relationship now and I allowed it to fade

I'm not looking for offence - that's not how my mind works! One of my closest relatives who work with people with additional needs thinks I'm autistic. No idea whether or not they're right. I'm just pragmatic and literal so me trying to figure this out isn't me being needy.

OP, I think giving her space would be a good plan.
I think if one side of a friendship gives too much it can become unbalanced and people can be taken for granted.

Childbirth is a very busy time.
I would be concerned that you are tje support friend and others are the good news friends.

Only you know if a bit of that is in play.
I would give her the benefit of the doubt, some space, and let her reach out to you.

Look at the dynamics of the relationship because there may be a pattern you have ignored.

Remember to invest in a variety of friendships.

I think its just because they are in a group. Messages may have been popping up in the group asking. Its easier to update groups than individuals. Its also easy to miss individual messages. I've just realised today that I have missed a several messages from individuals on Monday. I've been replying to group chats but missed individuals.

I really wouldn't overthink it. You have your evidence that she values you.

If you don't want to be her friend that is up to you. But I don't think you have evidence from what you have said about her so far that she does not value your friendship.

I’m still waiting for one of my oldest friends to tell me she’s pregnant.

He was born in March!

The other school friends - I think it makes a difference if she told them off her out bat, or if she told them in response to them contacting her.

I understand why it's discombobulated you OP, especially if you've had issues with this friend in the past. But I do think now is not the time to take something like this personally - your friend may be downplaying how difficult her birth and recovery was. It sounds like you tend to go in deep with each other - perhaps she doesn't have the capacity for that now and has (slightly) avoided contacting you for that reason?

I would give yourself a bit of time, then a bit of a talking too and let it go.

You are being ridiculous @Thinkingloading I think you need to get out more! 😆 No offence, but that huge write up and the worries over something that is nothing (or very little) to do with you suggests you are a huge worrier and an over thinker!

As has been said, stop making this about you. You don't wanna get a reputation for being hard work!

No, and I totally get that. I hadn't expected anything from her but when I learned she'd messaged the school group within the first couple of days it just made me question why them and not me when, apparently, I'm a closer friend to her.

Stop being so needy and making her birth and baby about you. She told you it was a rough ride, that could mean anything including complications, she is recovering from birth and looking after a newborn and you are upset because she didn’t text you? Cray.