Partner maybe having mental break down ?

[strugglingtbh]

I don’t know what to do.
my partner is 49, he works full time Monday - Friday
he leaves for work at 6.30am and is home around 3.30pm
i have older children from previous relationship & we have a 2 year old together. I’m stay at home mum. Will be going back to work next year. we’re ok for money. Not rich but fine.

I keep the house nice, look after all children, school runs, days out I do all the cooking the food shopping. All the mum / house wife duties. He always comes home to his dinner ready, clean home, the kids are all good & very chill. I’m moving towards him he’s not neglected at all.

weekends we do family things, his mum visits, go out for dinner, we put things up round the house just normal family weekends. Date nights are little because we have a young family.

for a few months he’s moaned about everything. He’s called me some awful things. Loser, fat, crap mum, I need to better my life, called me horrible things in the bedroom.
he doesn’t sleep, he’s up & down all night long pacing the house. Tonight I went to him and he was looking out the window crying? I cuddled him, spoke to him, asked questions, he quickly snapped and stormed off and told me to make it into something it’s not?? All I did was care.
he says he gets no time to himself & there’s always something that needs doing like mowing the grass!???

I said that’s a normal homely job this is not normal that’s when he flipped.
if he hears a slight noise outside or neighbours he’s up and flips. He shouted out the window to neighbours the other night to shut the F up. I’m embarrassed.
if our 18 month old wakes up he’s annoyed. Everything annoys him. I’m so low. This is only a few things mentioned. I’m his emotional punch bag.
he’s started smoking weed which I don’t think is helping. But if I mention that he flips. He use to smoke it years ago. Gave up for ages now back on it.
he tells me I don’t love him or fancy him???? He has no reason behind this I can promise you. He refuses to see a GP.
he often texts me abuse when he’s at work & it ruins my day. I’m riddled with anxiety because of him.
ive told him nobody’s stopping you going out & doing as you please. I’ve even told him if family life is too much for you go live your life ill raise I’ll son. I’ve given him every option.
he’s really not mentally all there. Road rage, snappy, low.
he said he feels like he’s drowning.
what do I do :(

Oh my god I’d leave
I wouldn’t want a pothead round my kids especially given his current behaviour. What on earth makes you think this is acceptable and what do your older kids think to this?

Sounds like he's a deadbeat dad and regretting having children.

He doesn’t smoke it round them or in front of them. They don’t know

This sounds horrendous and he is emotionally abusing you. Sounds like hes not coping with parenthood and life. Would he go to couples counselling?

I agree he’s not coping with being a dad but I don’t put any dad pressure on him? Our little boy is good. I feel he resents being a dad

Has he always been like this? Abusive and calling you names?

taking drugs will affect his mental health and behaviour.
time to see a Gp for his addiction,

I’d tell him to leave. If he won’t seek help then what’s the alternative? Keep taking the abuse? It sounds like he hates you. I mean he texts you abuse!

Sounds like he wants out but is a coward to say so.

You really only have two options here: you leave or you give him an ultimatum and tell him that he either sees a GP or the relationship ends.

If he’s not sleeping and smoking weed he is a ticking timebomb and this situation will not resolve itself.

If you can’t have a rational conversation with him I’d tell him to leave.

Do not allow another person to make you feel like this. It’s abuse.

time to give him an ultimatum, see a GP or he leaves. (Or you leave and go somewhere safe)

It sounds like he is using the drugs to try and eacape himself. But he is being abusive towards you, it sounds like prior to all this he wasn’t abusive towards you so maybe he can work on whatever is causing this.

but you may need to be prepared to step away, if he won’t be helped, do not stay & be abused like that. Leave and raise your little boy in a happy home

Is this new behaviour? And I know I may get slated for saying this but my EXH acted like this when he was having an affair. I too thought he was hhaving a mental breakdown. Has his routine changed with work hours etc?
My EXH would be awake all hours, drinking more, calling me and his kids awful names then crying that he is overwhelmed with everything. That was guilt.

This is horrible. You poor thing. He sounds depressed and also like a real dickhead. Both things can be true.

Depression doesn't make people nasty.

Kids only need one good parent (or even stand in parent) to love snd adore them & provide them safety & security.

You need to prioritise you and your kids and not get dragged down by this.

Better off with you him. It's domestic abusive.

Cannabis can cause paranoia and psychosis, there is a very strong causal link especially in people already experiencing psycho social stress. I used to work in our local MH inpatient ward; of all the new episode psychosis weed was almost always involved. I don't know why it isn't spoken about more.

Beside this he sounds abusive. You are in a very precarious position because you don't work and on some level he knows this and therefore thinks he can treat you like shit and you can't do much about it. But you can. You absolutely can survive without him.

If I was you I would begin by calling your local Domestic Violence service and go from there.

When did this start OP?

It could be stress or it could be his mental health but regardless of what it is, he has to get help or leave.

You don't have to live with this.

I think, sadly, that you've hit the nail on the head. My exH was a changed person when he was cheating. I thought he was suffering from work stress.

He kept saying he couldn't cope but then when I asked why? or what it was he couldn't cope with, he ran out of the house.

I'm sorry OP x

He needs to move out . You cant have someone like that around your children. He will only get worse whist smoking weed. That needs to be a firm no from you. Weed or his family. Its that simple. Lots of people can use weed and are fine. But any sort of mental health problems and weed makes them so much worse . Stop worrying about him he treats you like crap. Its a terrible example to your older children.
It may make him grow up and sort himself out if he clicks he will lose you all. At 49 he should already know better. But really if he wanted and could cope with children he would have had them when he was younger.

But YOU know. Don’t you want more for yourself and your kids? Dont you deserve more despite him constantly dragging you down and trying to persuade you it’s you that’s failing here?

I’ve been with a pot head bully accuser before. Leave now, he’s never going to change and the pot will be actively making him paranoid.

This sounds utterly horrendous for you my love. You’re doing so much for him/the family. No-one should put up with abuse in any form. You don’t deserve this treatment. The longer he behaves like this the more your son will pick up from him, that’s how he should speak to people.

In situations like this it’s easy to feel responsible for him and worry that if you leave him you’re not helping him through his difficulties. If he’s having a breakdown it wouldn’t turn him into an abusive knob. He sounds extremely unhappy but he needs to take control of this for himself.

I would seek help by contacting Women’s Aid for advice but I most definitely wouldn’t keep my children in such a toxic environment. When you leave him you need to do it safely. Read about this first.

Look after yourself, demand respect for yourself and remember, you can choose a peaceful, happy life.x

>>Big hug<<

I just realised that you posted about your oh possibly having a breakdown and I actually want to address that. You have tried repeatedly to approach him and have conversations. He knows he’s not helping himself with pot and yet is doing it anyway. He is not even trying to help himself and is instead shifting the blame onto you and punching down to make you feel as awful as he feels. This is not a YOU problem and you can’t solve it. Only he can. Your job is protect yourself and your child. You need to separate , this will hopefully give him a giant jolt and if you want to try to salvage this ( awful) relationship this gives him the space to either succeed and you can rekindle after he’s addressed his issues and dealt with them in 6-12 months , or you move on while he sinks lower into addiction and mental health issues.

but I would like to be clear. You are not a rehab centre for damaged men. You can not save him and if you put him first it will always be at the cost of your own and your child’s happiness, security and serenity. Put your child first.

I’m so sorry op. This is really awful and you mustn’t put up with this behaviour as it’s abusive. Losing your temper once in a while is normal, but texting you from work to abuse you is calculated and horrible.

He’s obviously under great mental strain and taking it out on you. Sorry to says it’s either drugs, money or an affair or he has done something seismically stupid at work and has been found out. Unless he is having a genuine mh break down out of the blue of course for no particular reason which sounds unlikely but it does happen occasionally.

An affair might make sense I’m afraid bc when he sends negative texts criticising you, in his own head it could be his way of justifying infidelity. Is there any woman at work that he talks about?

You need to gather all of your courage, put your foot down and ask him what’s wrong and tell him you won’t tolerate anything but honesty or you are leaving. Once he reveals whatever it is, he needs to demonstrate genuine remorse and that he is seeking help or you and his dc are out the door. Even then it might be wise to separate in the interim.

Be careful though op. Get your ducks in a row first and gather up all important documents such as copies of mortgage agreement, health insurance, birth and marriage certificates, proof of his salary etc and all of the essential things you need for you and the dc should you need to leave in a hurry.

Given his nastiness and the extreme strain he is displaying, it might ne prudent to seek support from friends or family when you confront him to keep yourself safe as he doesn’t sound like someone who is reasonable or in control of his emotions or temper. And leaving can be a dangerous time for women. Equally, you cannot stay with this going on.

Also op, make a discreet record on your phone of everything he has done and is doing that’s abusive and date if. That way if this situation turns dangerous you have a document backing you up if the police need to be involved. Please be careful though, I really don’t like the sound of him.

He sounds abusive. The weed will only make him worse. I think you need to leave him.

I’ll address the breakdown bit- there are some worrying signs. How long has the lack of sleep gone on? Symptoms will get worse as that increases. However we are talking “doesn’t sleep for 3 days” not struggles to nod off.
Pacing the house can be a sign that he needs to be on high alert to guard against his delusions - this could explain the anger to some extent, depending on what he thinks is happening. People in a mental break can certainly get angry.

smoking pot of course doesn’t help- if he is vulnerable in his mental health it can be the cause of psychosis.

however.

if he won’t do anything to investigate this then there is nothing you can do (and, Stepping back- you’ve got to be fair, what would a GP do if he went in and said “I cry and can’t sleep and I hate my wife nagging me to do chores”?!)

but you need to be clear there is nothing you can do. I’m sorry to say if he is having a mental break it wlll get worse until he reaches crisis.

He’s not going to leave and neither can OP make him.

OP is it getting progressively worse, or staying the same?