AIBU for refusing to meet my husband’s ex to discuss the affair? It’s been over a decade now.

[Greeneham]

12 years ago I started sleeping with my friend’s husband it was casual I just thought it would fizzle out. About 9 months into us sleeping together, seeing each other, going on trips (he would tell her it was work trips abroad) he decided to leave her and try to see if we can have a relationship. We have since married and have a 5 year old boy and life’s moved on really.

Last week his ex wife messaged me and asked to meet up and talk. She told me she was still quite hurt and it’s something that has affected her a lot. I responded and told her I’m not sure if meeting is a good idea but I’m sorry for how things happened I accepted my part to play in the affair and I did tell her I’ve moved on I can’t keep apologising and she also doesn’t need to forgive me.

I don’t really see any value in meeting up. What I did was wrong and karma will probably get me for it at the same time I love my husband he makes me very happy we have a lovely son who makes us both very happy. I’d rather just move forward. 8 years isn’t a long marriage but it’s been the best 8 years of my life so far I’d rather just continue the life that we have. We both did a terrible thing I’m not excusing that but also it’s been over a decade now. I don’t want to meet up and talk things out.

I would not meet her.
It’s been 12 years FFS! Nothing good will come of it.

I think what the OP actually meant was that she is not going to spend the rest of her life feeling guilty. Well good for her (not).

Weird the focus is on you not the ex though. Does she hold you solely accountable for the affair???

That’s a bit strong.

Her friend betrayed her as much as her husband did. Of course she holds her friend wholly accountable for that.

What would you talk about?, how your a much better wife than she was ?, how you are
so blissfully happy with him and your son.

. No I dont see the point in meeting up and opening up old wounds that have never been closed by the sound of it.
She wont get closure after all this time and really should have more self respect than to want to talk to you about it.
I dont mean that to sound nasty to her but after five years and no children from the marriage you think she would have moved on. Your husband and her ex husband must be the best in the whole wide world for her to go on even now about it. Don't see her it wont change anything, you both betrayed her and that can never be undone no matter how much you talk.

It’s okay, she’ll feel better when he starts shagging one of your friends.

You could start with ‘sorry’. But you don’t seem to be so….as a person who was on the receiving end of this situation I can tell you that it is devastating to be betrayed by your husband and a friend at the same time. I’ve moved on. I’m remarried and happy. And yet I still think about it in passing probably every other day. And I still don’t understand how people can behave that way. It has coloured everything about my subsequent life-practical things like work, where I lived, where I socialised etc, but also how I approach relationships and think about life and other people.
Great for you that you you’ve moved on and are happy. Clearly your ex friend here is still haunted by this in some way.
of course you don’t have to meet with her. But maybe it’s time to do the decent thing?

If you see a future where you could be friends again then meet up but really this seems like a bad idea to me. Just remain civil over text. She’s probably having a hard time and perhaps thought meeting up with you will help her in some way but old wounds can be impossible to heal.

Do not meet with her. Double betrayal is utterly devastating and someone who could do this to her is absolutely not going to be able to say anything to make it better. They simply do not have the self awareness, understanding or empathy required, as op has aptly demonstrated in this thread. Don’t meet her, for her benefit.

You are brave posting here given those circumstances. Mumsnet has a special place in hell for cheaters.
I too had an affair and it blew up my marriage. I had many many hours of therapy to work out why I did such an act of selfish sabotage (fwiw I am really very confident I wouldnt do that again).
When the affair was discovered I essentially never spoke to my AP again. And honestly there are questions I have for him too. I wouldn't ever want to see him again but I do have gaps. So I can understand that this poor ex who is in a far worse position than I am may have even more.
I wouldnt suggest a meet up is sensible though. Especially unfacilitated. Perhaps write her a letter with the help of your therapist, apologising for your part in and wishing her the best for her future life and offering to answer (via letter) any questions she has that may aid her recovery

I understand that the guilt and shame you feel is coming up with reasoning as to why it’s not a good idea for you.

She’s asking to speak for her sake not yours. You can’t possibly know what’s good for her now.

Talk to her if you want to of course that’s how it works no one can force you to do that.

This - the meet up is for her not you.

I wouldn't go and meet her . Especially to hear what a horrible person I am , home wrecker , liar, cheater . Even though I agree with her .

And this. I think you should meet her (in a public place) but it’s clearly up to you. She took the courage to ask you. Sounds as if she’s tried to be nice too by congratulating you on your son.

You need to go back to counselling properly with a different counsellor to work on your lack of empathy and respect for other people especially people who you claim are your friends.
Can you honestly not see what you did?
You stole her life, her husband, future children, her friends and her home i mean she had to move country to try and rebuild a life from the wreckage that you left and now you don't even have the common decency to meet her and talk to her.
Do the right thing and let her say her peace

Why are you even asking? You stole her entire future and you’re fine with it. You’re not the kind of person to give a shit about upsetting her again by saying no.

I think all of you are missing that closure comes from within.

Closure isn't an external force that anyone can give you. It's something you come to terms with yourself and decide to move on.

If this woman hasn't found closure and moved on after twelve years.Then, she's very unwell, indeed, and needs professional help.

I say this is someone who has been cheated on myself. Closure didn't come from either one of them it came from me deciding to let it go and move on and it took me a hell of a lot less than twelve years to do this.

I can't imagine on what plane of existence I would have so little self respect to contact the other woman twelve years later and ask her to speak to me and explain herself.

I actually think it reflects poorly on the friend to have done this, but none of you see it that way.

I really wouldn't do a letter. It's entirely one sided, only OP gets to speak and the ex can't be sure OP would read any reply. Letters for this kind of thing are a way of having your say, uninterrupted.

Personally I don't think there's anything OP can say that will actually ease her pain; at the end of the day, they did what they did because it benefited them and while they wish it hadn't hurt her, they don't actually regret it, so what's to say? But as PPs have said, I guess that's for the ex to decide if she thinks she'd benefit.

So either meet her and truly listen, or don't meet... but none of this responding on transmit only through a letter.

@Greeneham

This.

It’s not about YOU knowing what there is left to say. Just answer her questions. Help her make sense of something that is clearly baffling her, to help her also move on.

Actually fair point. You are right it is a bit one sided. I suppose I was trying to think of something where perhaps the emotional side could be managed in what will be a stressful situation.

That's very astute.

Sometimes we don't get a clean ending with all questions answered and the ends tied up neatly. In fact, we rarely do. Sometimes you need to close the door on the mess and walk away without ever knowing exactly what was going on in there... you could stay inside forever and still never know.

And a good point from a PP... why is it you she wants to meet? He's the one who cheated on her, why isn't she asking him about it?

Her friend betrayed her too. It’s a double betrayal she is trying to come to terms with.

But only one person she's trying to speak to about it now? And not the one who actually cheated on her? Not the man?

Unless OP's post was misleading.