AIBU for refusing to meet my husband’s ex to discuss the affair? It’s been over a decade now.

[Greeneham]

12 years ago I started sleeping with my friend’s husband it was casual I just thought it would fizzle out. About 9 months into us sleeping together, seeing each other, going on trips (he would tell her it was work trips abroad) he decided to leave her and try to see if we can have a relationship. We have since married and have a 5 year old boy and life’s moved on really.

Last week his ex wife messaged me and asked to meet up and talk. She told me she was still quite hurt and it’s something that has affected her a lot. I responded and told her I’m not sure if meeting is a good idea but I’m sorry for how things happened I accepted my part to play in the affair and I did tell her I’ve moved on I can’t keep apologising and she also doesn’t need to forgive me.

I don’t really see any value in meeting up. What I did was wrong and karma will probably get me for it at the same time I love my husband he makes me very happy we have a lovely son who makes us both very happy. I’d rather just move forward. 8 years isn’t a long marriage but it’s been the best 8 years of my life so far I’d rather just continue the life that we have. We both did a terrible thing I’m not excusing that but also it’s been over a decade now. I don’t want to meet up and talk things out.

Wow, that’s a lot of me me me in your posts, OP! No wonder you can’t see her point of view.

Why does she only get to talk to you if you think there is something different she might say? Surely she can repeat herself all she likes if it helps her.

You don't have anything more to say? You're not going to spend your life aologising??

You said you hadn't spoken to her as per her wishes. Have you been apologising to her for the last few years??

It really is all about you, isn’t it? All of this therapy, ‘working on yourself’ justification, as if it’s supposed to be some kind of good thing you did to make up for it. It’s only any use to you.
If you decide not to do as she asks, don’t kid yourself you’re doing it to spare her further pain. That’s such a crock.

From her posts, it sounds like the only empathy OP has is for herself. She’s “done the work” in therapy and forgiven herself. As has her lovely, cheating husband. They got the happily ever after and the friendship group that didn’t hold them
to account either. They don’t want all of that self justification undone by the inconvenient reminder of the one they hurt.

I think that this is a convenient way in which to consider things OP. You've mentioned it a couple of times. It's a get out clause. I think that 'moving on' is also convenient. What you have done is left the damage that you caused behind and shut the door behind you.

It's very brave of your ex-friend to ask for a meet up. It is obviously something that is important to her. Perhaps you could consider the request
for her benefit.

They don't.

In a relationship is very different to being married especially when you are young and still working out who and what you want in life though.

But isn’t up to her to decide whether it would be heathy? Maybe she has moved on too and decided to forgive you?

The worst she can do is say you are a slut and then you get up and leave.

I think it is the absolute least you can do, you could say that previous apologies were when things were heated so give one, and let that be it.

Of course you don't want to meet her - it will be uncomfortable for you, and you appear to be someone solely motivated by self interest.

Bur she wants to meet you. Please don't have the arrogance to assume you know better what's best for her than she knows herself, and try to justify your reluctance that way.

If you don't meet her (you clearly don't intend that, so I don't wholly see the point of the thread - getting strangers to endorse your decision lessens your guilt, perhaps?) then at least own that, again, you are motivated entirely by selfishness.

And don't be 100% sure she doesn't have something to share with you. There it's lots I could tell the woman my ex husband cheated with, who he is still with. I'm not going to go into detail on here, but if I cared enough (I don't) I could tell her quite a few things of interest. Maybe your husband's first wife is nicer than me.

Have you considered the possibility he may have been in contact with her, for example? Just a thought.

It’s up to you. Maybe for her it will bring closure. She may also have a few things she’d like to say to you, surely you can give her that.

Given she was once your friend, i’d meet her. Not it won’t be pleasant. But i’d want to at least apologise in person, and let her know you are sorry for betraying her trust in the worst possible way.

I wouldn't go and meet up. I would shut her down politely: Thank you for your message and kind offer to meet, in spite of the pain I caused you. However, I don't think it would be healthy for either of us. I wish you well.

And I would block her on every platform.

I am saying this as a child of a serial cheater who has destroyed many lives. We know what our parent is, barely any of us have contact with them. However, over the years as well as the perfectly lovely people they harmed who were kind in spite of what my parent did, there were some who acted in strange and unhinged ways who tried to cause us harm (not just my parent but all their children too, me included!)

Regardless of what people here feel you 'owe' her, as you aren't fully sure of her intentions and you have a young child, I wouldn't even give it airtime. The fact she's already commented about your child looking like his Dad made me feel uneasy (granted my childhood and what happened may have biased that) but no good can come from this, maybe a little bit of closure for her but, even then, she won't end up satisfied and it will probably just reopen old wounds. I genuinely don't think it's healthy for either of you.

I'd politely shut it down and move on.

The impact of your behaviour will have had lasting consequences on your ex friend, which meeting with you may be part of her own therapy. Meet her or don’t, it’s your choice.
Nothing will change what you did, it’s who you are. You have nothing to mull over. It’s a request that you are unlikely to accommodate because of who you are. You do what you want.

On a side note though, 2 liars together though OP. What a life you’ve chosen.

In your position I would not meet her.

You owe it to her.
It’s the least you can do and it will give her closure (and you).

I can only compare it to a friend of mine who despite desperately wanting children kept on putting it off because her husband wasn’t ready. He was a convincing and seemingly loving husband she had no reason to suspect was about to behave as he did.
Out of no where he left her announcing he was having an affair with a mutual friend. She was devastated and the resulting shock and heartbreak made her very unwell.
This is years ago and although I know she is happy now she has never had children. The 12 year marriage being convinced he ‘wasn’t ready’ seemed to have been just a smoke screen. Obviously he has kids now.
You don’t have to meet her and jolly nice for you that you’re happy and reconciled with your past. Clearly she isn’t but I suspect you will have no problem with that.

No, I wouldn’t meet her. The deed was done, long ago, and she needs to move on with her life.

Imagine if the ex-wife wants to let you know that he’s cheating on you…with her. THAT would be karma.

I could never show my face in public again. I would be so ashamed that everyone knew what a piece of shit I was.

Mind you, the emotional intelligence to know what people would be thinking every time they saw me, and the ability to feel shame, are probably just some of the many reasons I would never sleep with anyone else's husband.

Good luck op. I've only known one couple like this. They stayed together until death, but it was a truly miserable existence of constant cheating and mutual distrust. I also saw the looks everytime they were out in public and met someone from the past, though they were seemingly blissfully unaware (my delightful parents...).

This happened to me over 40 years ago . I have seen them both intermittently as we have children. The one I would really like to have a serious conversation with is the exDH. I still want him to apologise for all the hurt and hardship he caused me and his children. He is very lucky he still has a good relationship with them because despite what happened I never bad mouthed him or stopped him seeing them .

You sound delightful OP!

It actually wouldn't be... a) it would hardly be "karma" for the cheating man to be rewarded with more cheating sex without consequence while only the woman suffers and b) karma isn't actually a cosmic force of vengeance delivering justice (but only to erring women, erring men just get to carry on). It's a somewhat more nuanced and less sexist concept than that.

You really think the OP deserves to be happy after what she did? Or her DH for that matter?

My bet is she has found out he is having (another) affair and she wants to be the one to tell you.