AIBU for refusing to meet my husband’s ex to discuss the affair? It’s been over a decade now.

[Greeneham]

12 years ago I started sleeping with my friend’s husband it was casual I just thought it would fizzle out. About 9 months into us sleeping together, seeing each other, going on trips (he would tell her it was work trips abroad) he decided to leave her and try to see if we can have a relationship. We have since married and have a 5 year old boy and life’s moved on really.

Last week his ex wife messaged me and asked to meet up and talk. She told me she was still quite hurt and it’s something that has affected her a lot. I responded and told her I’m not sure if meeting is a good idea but I’m sorry for how things happened I accepted my part to play in the affair and I did tell her I’ve moved on I can’t keep apologising and she also doesn’t need to forgive me.

I don’t really see any value in meeting up. What I did was wrong and karma will probably get me for it at the same time I love my husband he makes me very happy we have a lovely son who makes us both very happy. I’d rather just move forward. 8 years isn’t a long marriage but it’s been the best 8 years of my life so far I’d rather just continue the life that we have. We both did a terrible thing I’m not excusing that but also it’s been over a decade now. I don’t want to meet up and talk things out.

No don’t go and meet her. This is really odd.

What’s done is done and there was no kids involved. It was 12 years ago.

Affairs are shitty but realistically he didn’t want to be with her anymore so you didn’t steal anything.

Going to meet her isn’t going to put anything to bed - it’s going to stir it all up again - clearly as after 10 years this lady is still chewed up about it and it’s just going to fuel her anger/grief/anxiety/trauma that’s she’s been unable to let go.

She is the ONLY person that can put it to bed. Nothing you say will magically dissolve 12 years of unresolved hurt.

Just because of what happened over a decade ago doesn’t mean you have to accept any requests from her to meet up. It’s up to her to work on herself to get past this. Block her number and close the door on it

In my case the betrayal by my friend was as devastating and even more in some ways than the betrayal of my husband. Deep down I probably knew he had it in him, in so much as I think a large proportion of med do tbh. I didn’t know that about her and she strongly let me believe she cared about me, she knew everything about me, and I would have trusted her implicitly. That she went behind my back and turned things I’d said to her into ways to inveigle herself with my husband (for example) really fucked with me mentally. So that I would imagine, in this woman’s case.

I would add that, having been cheated on, I don't want to know when it started and any details. What sort of masochist, would I have to be to want to know that.

It reflects poorly on the friend to her demanded this meeting and I honestly wouldn't have replied to her and just blocked her. She cleared clearly needs help and she's coming across is quite poorly, which is never what I would want, having been cheated on myself.

The best revenge you can ever give your ex who cheated is to move on and live your life well. The friend clearly hasn't done that and after all this time, it's her choice.

I'll give you the perspective of being the wife.in your scenario though the OW was not my friend thankfully. We did meet though she really didn't want to . At the time I was angry enough to threaten to turn up to her work and make a scene if she did not meet me somewhere private

I cant remember the specifics apart from her telling me it had just happened and she was sorry it had hurt me etc.. All the clichés really. Despite all my friends and family telling me not to meet her and it wouldn't help, it did help a bit.

It didn't make me happy of course not, but I did feel a sort of relief and clarity afterwards that I remember to this day as the first step out of that pain and fog I felt between separation and my divorce.

A time that 35 ears later ranks in my memories of life traumas alongside my sister dying in front of me and my son in hospital for meningitis. I can remember the pain I felt when my first husband left me as vividly as the pain after those objectively much worse events which happend 30 and15 years ago respectively

I didn't wait 10 years though. You ex-friend did have to deal with a double betrayal though. I'm not sure how I would have coped with that but id say the absolute least you owe her is living with the temporary revival for you of a bit of discomfort and guilt you have sensibly come to terms with

I doubt you will.meet her though, my own OW would definitely not have met me had she had any choice in the matter.

What part of shagging your friends husband is casual?

You seem to lack any sort of empathy and seem unable to see things from her perspective.
It is all you, you, you.

I think the decent thing to do would be to meet up and give her some sort of closure, which is clearly what she is looking for.
You don't really come across as a decent sort though, so I suspect you will leave her hanging.

I’d tell her you’re too embarrassed and ashamed to face her.

I don't think you should meet up with her. I note someone else has already said that you cannot give her closure, that's something she has to work toward for herself. Refusing to meet her might be more helpful than agreeing, it might help her accept that there are no more answers to make her feel better.

It's awful that she is still so hurt after so many years and it's possible that the betrayal has really damaged her but you cannot fix it and meeting would probably open old wounds. I would not suggest she gets professional help, it would be offensive, but I do hope she does.

I think you need to be kind but firm in your refusal.

What’s done is done and there was no kids involved. It was 12 years ago.

You think women who have no children should be less devastated if their husband cheats on them?

You should meet her because she asked you and you owe her. It’s the right thing to do. Therapy can often make people more self absorbed and selfish. You already did her a great wrong, so did your husband. Please don’t add to this by being cold and cruel now. Meet the woman.

You say you don’t want to keep apologising- I don’t understand - it must be well over 5 years since you last apologised, and it sounds like it’s 11 years. It’s a lie to say you don’t want to keep apologising.

Jesus just do the right thing and have one meeting with her.

I think it's understandable that you don't want to face up to the reality of the pain and anguish that you caused. It would be difficult after any affair, but when it was your friend that you betrayed in this manner, then that must be incredibly hard to come to terms with. I think it's natural that you should want to bury your head in the sand and pretend it never happened because it would be very difficult to have to sit and hear about how much suffering you caused.

Whether or not avoiding the meeting is the right thing to do is an entirely different question, but it's easy to see why you might not feel able to face it, and let's face it - your actions have been selfish and unconcerned about right and wrong to date, so why would you suddenly change now? Your ex friend is unreasonable to expect you to behave with any consideration towards others because that is obviously not who you are.

I think you owe her that much.

The ultimate betrayal lies in the fact you were a friend. I think many women would feel more able to move past an ex cheating with a complete stranger but to do it with a friend… No wonder it’s messed her up.

I agree that you shouldn’t have to spend the rest of your life in a state of purgatory though. You apologised lots at the time (not that that will have meant much to her), it’s been over a decade, you and DH have been through therapy and I imagine she will have too. I don’t think there’s much to gain in meeting now, it will just drag it all back up. She likely wants more details on how/why it all started etc for “closure” but I don’t think the nitty gritty will provide her with that.

Exactly, all this. OP owes her an opportunity for closure at the very least IMO

Is this thread reminding anyone else of the one from a few days ago about an OP wanting her friend to get over the fact she married her friend’s ex?
I think OP is having us all on.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

I will never ever understand how this happens. Ever.

How morally bankrupt do you have to be to allow this to happen. People don't just instantly fall in love, that's bull shit movie rubbish. You have to put effort into it. Doing so with your friends husband is just hideous.

You put your friend through a lot of pain and upset when you had an affair with her husband and you acknowledge this.

Meeting her would be difficult and awkward for you but that's nothing compared to what you put her through so I think you should suck it up and meet her if it will help her to finally have closure over a horrible time in her life.

You don't have to become friends again but it does sound like she wants to meet up and berate you, she just wants to have no enemies in her life and to feel at peace with the situation.
Just meet her for a coffee and then it's done.
It might even make you feel better about what you did too.

I disagree with the last part of your post. I think talking through things all helps with processing . I had chats with my ex after he left me for OW (even though he then changed his mind but it was too late for me by then). The chats really helped me to get closure - - even if it was just to cement in the head that he really were a toxic narcissist "c u next Tuesday" and that I wasn't losing anything of value..and in fact it was a lucky escape.

I’m really interested why you both needed counselling after the affair. Was your view of yourselves/others view of you as decent people so shattered by the damage you caused or was it you couldn’t reconcile your view of the relationship with how it looked from the outside?
why did you keep the friends?

Er, loads of people. I know MN doesn't like to admit it, but almost as many women cheat as men.

Frankly, who cares what you want?

If meeting you is something she wants, I'd say it's the least you can do having profited so well off her misplaced trust and pain.

It won't kill you to offer another apology, either - preferably one that actually contains some proper, uncomfortable reflection on what you inflicted on another person (who you claim was your friend) - rather than a hand-wavy, "oh well, it was ages ago, and I have a nice life now, so nevermind."

Women cheat yes but "loads of people" with their mates husbands? Really?

I mean, probably. Threads about women's friends flirting with their husbands/boyfriends seem to be pretty common on here, for example, so it can't be that rare.

No but they are able to pick themselves up, heal and move on quicker due to no children making it harder. However people become so entrenched in their own pain they cannot move on and OP going to meet her for a coffee is going to pick the scab off again not squash it.

The responsibility to heal is on the ex - no one can heal her apart from doing the work herself. She needs therapy. Fuck I spent a fortune on therapy when I divorced my ex - but it made me realise that actually I was the only person that could help me move on and let go of the anger

The situation was shitty but ultimately the relationship ended 12 years ago.

OP has already spent years apologising- how many more years is the ghost of Christmas past going to keep demanding more?

Wow you haven't changed a bit have you. Still completely self absorbed.
You dont get to decide when someone should move on.
She still needs to heal but you really dont give a fuck do you.