AIBU for refusing to meet my husband’s ex to discuss the affair? It’s been over a decade now.

[Greeneham]

12 years ago I started sleeping with my friend’s husband it was casual I just thought it would fizzle out. About 9 months into us sleeping together, seeing each other, going on trips (he would tell her it was work trips abroad) he decided to leave her and try to see if we can have a relationship. We have since married and have a 5 year old boy and life’s moved on really.

Last week his ex wife messaged me and asked to meet up and talk. She told me she was still quite hurt and it’s something that has affected her a lot. I responded and told her I’m not sure if meeting is a good idea but I’m sorry for how things happened I accepted my part to play in the affair and I did tell her I’ve moved on I can’t keep apologising and she also doesn’t need to forgive me.

I don’t really see any value in meeting up. What I did was wrong and karma will probably get me for it at the same time I love my husband he makes me very happy we have a lovely son who makes us both very happy. I’d rather just move forward. 8 years isn’t a long marriage but it’s been the best 8 years of my life so far I’d rather just continue the life that we have. We both did a terrible thing I’m not excusing that but also it’s been over a decade now. I don’t want to meet up and talk things out.

Karma is also a word that is constantly completely misapplied by westerners.

It doesn't mean someone will get their comeuppance. it is not a cosmic scorecard or a magical system of instant revenge.

All the word means is action or deed. In context, it means cause and effect, meaning every action has an outcome. But it doesn't mean what goes around comes around.

You’ve said multiple times that you can’t spend your whole life apologizing. But maybe one afternoon isn’t so much to ask. You’re saying that you know what you did was wrong but you’ve done therapy and moved on now. Honestly sounds like you’ve put the guilt in a box and are simply ignoring it. Meeting her might bring those feelings up again for you. Uncomfortable but I don’t see why you consider it your right to avoid that guilt.

She’s asked to talk, clearly thinks it might help her. What you described of her other contact with you in recent years has been extremely generous and forgiving. You might have nothing to gain from meeting up but it’s not your place to decide whether she might and honestly I think you owe her whatever she needs to make sense of things.

That fact that she once said she doesn’t want to speak to you again and you “respected that” doesn’t let you off the hook now. She’s asking for something different now, what can’t you respect that request?

Seems like you’d pretty much made up your mind before posting, which is a shame. Also seems you are very much more focused on what’s best for you rather than her. Please reconsider

Unfortunately I've come to this party a bit late and OP has left the building, so my questions will have to wait until she returns.

I am wondering what your husband thinks about this OP ? Does he know his ex has been in contact with you and have you discussed it with him ?

I am wondering how you think a bunch of strangers on the internet can be of any help to you? Maybe you feel guilty, as you built your happiness on someone else's misery?

So many unanswered questions, it seems.

IMO something has happened that has prompted this contact after all this time, and you won't know until you meet her.

You are accountable for your actions. At least give your former friend some closure given that the option is open to you.

This is ssabout her, not you. It might give her closure.

I'm assuming she and he did not have children, I hope not anyway, I also hope that she and your husband had married young, without knowing each other too long.

You acknowledge what you did was wrong, it was quite a long time ago. She may need help to move on.

To answer one of your questions, Her husband knows and said it's up to her if she wants to or not.

I love how you’re the one who needs counselling and therapy for wrecking someone’s entire life.

Oh OK, I must have missed that. Thanks.

I don't know why people are even entertaining this. Your choices and perspective were completely selfish then; and so they are now. You are quite clearly without genuine remorse. You aren't going to do this so no need to ask the question really.

Counseling was a positive choice. It’s not a zero sum option, either. OP having counseling did not prevent the other woman from also having counseling.

You don't think it's healthy.

You took away her agency over her own life by your affair. Now you're still taking charge by making this decision for her.

She is asking to meet for closure, you're refusing it because you don't have anything more to say. That's so egocentric. What about what she might need to say? It's all about you.

How do you know it won’t make her feel better? You say that you’ve moved on. Perhaps, this meeting is what she needs to be able to do the same. She is no threat to your life now. No one can make you meet with her, but it would be the right thing to do, even if you think it will make you a bit uncomfortable. Meet at cafe or somewhere you can leave if it becomes too difficult.

That poor woman - betrayed by both her husband and the person she thought was her best friend. What a prince your DH must be. You’ve "moved on" and seem to think that makes it all ok. Bully for you. She clearly hasn’t.

She’s better off without either of you appalling people in her life, but unfortunately it seems to still be affecting her badly. Maybe there are details she doesn’t know that are still tormenting her. I can’t see that anything you can say will make her feel better, but she seems to think differently and I think you owe her a meeting if that’s what she wants.

But they are her wounds, not yours, so that’s her decision.

If it was me I would make an appointment with your counsellor and talk it out.

She must be ready to forgive you but probably wants you to ‘get’ what happened and the damage it caused.

It would probably be nice for her if you apologised and said that you loved him and are sorry.

It sounds like it didn’t start as love though and you were just hooking up and then you went on to get married. I don’t believe she will get what she wants from it and I hope she has moved on and learned to trust again.

Wow - you stole her life. You don’t technically owe her anything but a decent person would meet to draw a line under it. Once. That would be it for me.

I feel so sad for her that this is still playing on her mind so much 10-11 years later.

Your happiness has come at a terrible cost OP, I hope it still weighs heavily on you.

It seems op, that you spent time in therapy.

You worked on why you behaved that way, how to process the guilt, how to move on.

Your therapist will have presented you with continuous positive regard - consoled you somewhat, told you to forgive yourself and advised you to live the one short life you have.

You will have been guided on how to move forward - happily, healthily, fruitfully.

You did all of that noble work ... for yourself.

In so doing, you got everything - a clear conscience, a relationship, a child, and the future.

What a success!

And yet, with all that bounty, why is there no generosity toward that woman? No grace? No goodwill?

Where is the contrition? You forgave yourself, but how did you make amends?

The ex lost both romantic and friendship love at the same time, and more than likely, the belief in it too.

We humans die without love. We live a half life without it, shrivel and die.

I mean, this woman has probably been a walking human version of the Scream for the last ten years.

But hey - you have moved on.

Duh. Have you ever read how vicious Mumsnetters can be about this kind of thing?

Also? You write that you have nothing left to say. But, maybe she does. I think you should meet with her. It’s just a matter of respect. For all you know, she might want to say, “I was was really gutted at the time. But I’ve rebuilt my life and I’m very happy, etc.”

It's not just about what you have to say. I don't like how some posters and/or op are trying to decide what's best for his ex, it's kinda patronizing. If op had integrity it's the least she could do. The ex has been in an absolutely horrific situation with the affair, the lying, and even worse that it was a friend.

It would probably help her to get clarity on the unknown she has and can then put it behind her.

How did the affair start and how close were you to your former friend?

Maybe she has something to say that she thinks you need to know but feels it needs to be in person.

I agree with you. If you have already spoken about this and apologized, then i dont see what can be gained. She might need closure and be stuck in a loop of ruminating. Your husbadbshoukd meet with her instead.

It's the least you can do, you don't have to understand the reasons or what she will get out of it.