AIBU for refusing to meet my husband’s ex to discuss the affair? It’s been over a decade now.

[Greeneham]

12 years ago I started sleeping with my friend’s husband it was casual I just thought it would fizzle out. About 9 months into us sleeping together, seeing each other, going on trips (he would tell her it was work trips abroad) he decided to leave her and try to see if we can have a relationship. We have since married and have a 5 year old boy and life’s moved on really.

Last week his ex wife messaged me and asked to meet up and talk. She told me she was still quite hurt and it’s something that has affected her a lot. I responded and told her I’m not sure if meeting is a good idea but I’m sorry for how things happened I accepted my part to play in the affair and I did tell her I’ve moved on I can’t keep apologising and she also doesn’t need to forgive me.

I don’t really see any value in meeting up. What I did was wrong and karma will probably get me for it at the same time I love my husband he makes me very happy we have a lovely son who makes us both very happy. I’d rather just move forward. 8 years isn’t a long marriage but it’s been the best 8 years of my life so far I’d rather just continue the life that we have. We both did a terrible thing I’m not excusing that but also it’s been over a decade now. I don’t want to meet up and talk things out.

Not entirely true.
Putting why women cheat aside here.

I think that men cheat for sexual variety not because they're not happy as a general rule.

What usually happens is that the man is usually happy enough with the wife.

He fucks another woman, wife finds out, he usually begs forgiveness (a lot of this is down to not wanting the hassle of divorce and temporarily going home to his mum's place), wife refuses.

He ends up with the other woman who thinks she's won.

Oh look he loves me more!

I don't think anyone's excused it or said it was ok. Some of us just don't think it is an absolute hanging offence, the ultimate act of irredeemable evil, and that no amount of suffering can ever be enough for OP. Especially when this marriage has so far lasted about ten times longer than the first one.

This is probably what she wants out of it too. Maybe not to feel a panic if she ever were to run into you somewhere, would probably just be nice to have the same energy of saying hi and not letting it take over her entire day if the run in were to go differently x

When a man marries his mistress he creates a vacancy.

Love that quote.

It's facile, misogynistic, trite, spiteful, frequently untrue and largely attributed to a man known for his infidelity and womanising.

I know you want it to be true. But it isn't. And u can keep posting and getting deleted but it just makes you look worse.

Why? Because you think she's whistful for children?

I wonder if you're still more comfortable feeling like you have one over her - you seem quite caught out by the idea your friend is secure enough in herself to reach out to you again and express feelings of connection about your past friendship and your and her ex husband's child and you yourself seem to be ok with similar with your ex.

I wouldn't risk my personal safety by meeting up. She hasn't moved on after 12 years, never know what some people are capable of.

Relationships end. It's sad yours started the way it did because that will always be your story, but ultimately; as much as some women want to blame the other woman: he wasn't in a happy marriage and he prioritised himself and got out.

Relationships end. For various reasons. He didn't leave her for you, that just made it easier for him to take the plunge. He left because he didn't love her anymore and she just needed to move on and find someone who did.

Good luck with the phone call, OP.
Let us know how it goes
(Hope pps stop arguing with each other and leave enough space on the thread)

Why? It’s not true in many cases, it’s what some women passively choose to believe to make themselves feel better. If it works for them, great, but it’s equally liked that when a man marries his mistress, he settles down into a happy relationship.

It reminds me of people who wang on about karma - many people who have done truly awful things (so things a lot more awful than being unfaithful) go on to be happy in their lives.

It may feel unfair but that is how it is.

Some of us just don't think it is an absolute hanging offence, the ultimate act of irredeemable evil, and that no amount of suffering can ever be enough for OP.

I agree. I don't think this about anything.

I do think what OP did to her friend was awful and it doesn't sounds like she's really suffered. What followed was apparently the happiest 8 years of her life.

Hanging offence? No. An offence that might result in a difficult conversation that she should face at her friend's request even if she understandably doesn't want to? Yes.

If this doesn't sound like an excuse for OP shagging her best friend's husband behind her back for 9 months, I don't know what would!

"Relationships end. It's sad yours started the way it did because that will always be your story, but ultimately; as much as some women want to blame the other woman: he wasn't in a happy marriage and he prioritised himself and got out.
Relationships end. For various reasons. He didn't leave her for you, that just made it easier for him to take the plunge. He left because he didn't love her anymore and she just needed to move on and find someone who did."

Have you ever properly apologised? As in looked her in the eyes and acknowledged the deep hurt you caused her? Because you don’t really sound sincerely sorry, you sound quite unrepentant.

I think, in giving the ex a meeting, the OP gives the ex a recognition of sorts.

Clearly, from the messages sent to the op, the ex intends no harm.

She may now be at the point of closure, and this may be for her, a goodbye?

But for the op what would the achievement be?

Giving to the ex, to slightly make up for taking so much.

In this sorry story, the "taking" is the abuse of the institute of friendship.

For me, that is the most profound betrayal (a man or a woman could be the friend).

It is telling that the ex is also saying that she missed the friendship.

I've read that several times over and I don't see any suggestion that the poster is saying it's ok and all fine and dandy, just that it happens and this is why.

Probably better that poster responds if that's not what she meant. But I'm not reading "affairs are cool" from that.

As someone who was also cheated on pretty brutally and had a long marriage explode in a horrible way, with children involved for added pain, I feel compelled to say that I could not disagree more strongly.

Closure comes from knowing the truth.

As things currently stand, I feel that the truth has become just another one of the things I have no right to ask for.

I don't think that quote is delete worthy but there you go.

I disagree profoundly with people calling you names or wishing you ill.

For my peace of mind I persuade myself that they come from a fear of that happening to themselves, rather then hoping it will happen to you! 😂

I do hope that you, and all of us here, have a decent life.

I also hope you find the courage to meet with (not phone) the ex friend.

I agree with you though, it cannot, and even should not lead to a "new" friendship.

But she clearly wants to tidy something up.

Give her that.

Op the thing is you weren't a friend at all, don't try and kid yourself that you were.

You can ask but nobody owes you whatever you perceive as the truth.

It’s one of those situations where ‘recollections may vary’. You might find that the truth is not something you would welcome as it often comes down to all parties being at fault on some level.

Gosh, I don't know why people are being cruel. You all know you would never say these things to the OPs face. Have you never made a mistake in your lives?! We are humans and mothers, mothers should not wish harm on children. Women should stick together despite the circumstances which OP has acknowledged, its been 12 years since the affair!

Op, all the best with your journey. If I was you, I wouldn't defend my actions or comment any further. These cruel people are just trying to get under your skin.

It's not "meet my DHs ex", this is meet your friend that you betrayed. You say friend's husband so I'm guessing you were friends with her first and met him through her.

You need to stop thinking of her as his ex and remember she was your friend, that's why she was so hurt and felt betrayed. It wasn't him having an affair with some nameless junior at work, it was her friend. You knew who he was.

There are some horrible things been said on this thread.
I feel able to comment because I've been through this. I've been in the same position as @Greeneham

I went to my husbands ex wife's wedding 6 months after they'd divorced She was my friend and I had an affair with her husband. He and I are now married. Her and I are still friends. We will sit and have a meal together.
I very much doubt that she is wanting to do anything other than be your friend again.
I'm sure this will shock people who haven't been in this position. I'm 20+ years down the line now. People do get over these things

Really?

what if it were -

My friend deliberately defrauded me 10k. And someone replied.

it happens. People steal. It's sad your friend got her money the way she did because that will always be her story, but ultimately - as much as people want to assign blame - people need money for various reasons and she decided to prioritise herself. you just need to move on...

Why should she be sorry?

It is my experience that people don’t generally go round shagging the partners of good friends with no reason.