AIBU for refusing to meet my husband’s ex to discuss the affair? It’s been over a decade now.

[Greeneham]

12 years ago I started sleeping with my friend’s husband it was casual I just thought it would fizzle out. About 9 months into us sleeping together, seeing each other, going on trips (he would tell her it was work trips abroad) he decided to leave her and try to see if we can have a relationship. We have since married and have a 5 year old boy and life’s moved on really.

Last week his ex wife messaged me and asked to meet up and talk. She told me she was still quite hurt and it’s something that has affected her a lot. I responded and told her I’m not sure if meeting is a good idea but I’m sorry for how things happened I accepted my part to play in the affair and I did tell her I’ve moved on I can’t keep apologising and she also doesn’t need to forgive me.

I don’t really see any value in meeting up. What I did was wrong and karma will probably get me for it at the same time I love my husband he makes me very happy we have a lovely son who makes us both very happy. I’d rather just move forward. 8 years isn’t a long marriage but it’s been the best 8 years of my life so far I’d rather just continue the life that we have. We both did a terrible thing I’m not excusing that but also it’s been over a decade now. I don’t want to meet up and talk things out.

but you can say she does without reprisal?

Where did I say that? Please don't make stuff up.

All cheaters aren't sociopaths. It's quite simple

Unless you know "all cheaters", that statement is pretty useless.

No. U just need to know one that isn't a sociopath.

Why can't you leave me alone? Why do u keep hounding this point?

I haven't made anything up.

Why not ask this of the many posters saying she is?

I think maybe dial down the drama a bit.

as said, I find the ops phrasing distasteful and discomforting, as most do. It showed her complete lack of care. Howver I’m not going to label her a sociopath or anything else.

my take is some people are inherently selfish. And I think this maybe the base of the ops issue, she’s inherently selfish and self centred, and she’s not changed from that, it’s why she doesn’t want to speak to the woman, as for her, it’s about her, not about what the woman needs, she doesn’t really care about whay she needs, she cares only about herself, then and now.

there are also women who do not like other women, they make pretend when it suits them, when they need females to serve a purpose . But in reality they are competing with them, envying them, wanting whay they have, and I suspect the op also falls into this bracket.

i doubt she has many if any real female friends, and if she does, they will be some how lacking in her mind v her, less attractive, fatter, less successful at work, whatever,

she saw her friends husband, decided he was better than her partner, so went after him, so in her mind she was then more desirable than her friend, that her friend didn’t have better than she had, because her husband was fucking her.

even her dramatic phrasing on this thread shows she doesn’t really care about this woman, and finds the disgust people are showing as simply wearisome.

So point me to where but you can say she does without reprisal?

I think you are confused and are arguing with the wrong poster

I’m not sure there is a single thing the OP could say to make her feel better though so what’s the point ?

I can't believe the double standards. It's hilarious.
OP was called a sociopath
I said she didn't sound like one to me
I'm then hounded for my 'credentials' to say that
And then another calls her a sociopath but that's apparently fine!!

What the actual hell is going on?!

Tbh I’m starting to think the whole thing is made up.

Im basing that on the OPs performative contrition. Surely no one is that manipulative.

No I'm not
You asked me for my credentials to say she doesn't sound like a sociopath. You have not asked the two two posters who have said she does for the same things. I wonder why?

OP. Some of the posters on here have said worse things to you than perhaps the Ex ever will.

It sounds like you've decided on a phone call, so at least you will find out what she wants and can decide how to respond

I hope that this goes well and both can move on. Best wishes and good luck x

Lots of hysteria on this thread re the ex wife too.

It’s over a decade on, she’s remarried, I doubt she looks back on OP’s husband as some sort of amazing catch who got away. People are making a thing of the fact she’s childless - if this all happened in their mid 20s, then it sounds like she had ample time to have a baby if she wanted. Why must we assume she’s some sort of bitter old hag?

It sounds like her messages have been kind. I think the most likely thing is that she has moved on emotionally and wants to put any nastiness to bed. I’m imagining myself in her shoes - OP says the ex wife moved country. Maybe she feels awkward when she’s back in the area in case she sees OP and wants to know that if they bump into each other they can be civil. Maybe some of your mutual friends feel awkward in the middle and she wants to put an end to that. Maybe she just doesn’t like the way she left things on a bad note with OP, and it doesn’t fit with the positive mindset she now has re the whole thing.

If OP rings her and it turns out she is in fact a psycho bunny boiler and she wants to become BFFs again then I’d say of course leave that alone for everyone’s sake and don’t make contact again. But a phone call making peace after blowing up her life is the least OP can do, especially after she has been kind to OP.

The armchair psychologist society should really advertise on mumsnet.

The point is the woman wants to speak to her, she’s not asked the op to make her feel better about it, she’s simply said she wishes to discuss it as she was so very hurt , still is hurt, and it’s affected her badly. As it would everyone to find out your husband and friend are fucking,

so for me, the woman didn’t say can you make me feel better about it, she expressed vulnerability and on going hurt, she clearly wants to try to close it off, so I would give her that.

@WhyDontILearn And then another calls her a sociopath but that's apparently fine!!

If the OP feels she has been slandered, that's up to her to take it further with the poster in question.

I saw The Odyssey on IMAX last week and there was less projection than this.

You're right all cheaters are not sociopathic.

Some people who cheat may use it as an escape from an abusive marriage.
Not great but understandable.

Some cheat as a one-off when drunk. Feel terrible about it. Again not great but forgivable.

All cheating is not created equal. That is true.

Some cheat because they believe they are in love yet they feel bad about it about what they're doing to the wife.

All within the realms of forgiveness.

Repeatedly having sex with a friend's spouse, though, just for fun?

Thats in a different league.

No thanks, I'm ok to call out hypocrisy thanks very much.

I agree with most of what you said. No drama here - just calling it like I see it.

They were married for less than 2 years! It was clearly never meant to be if the man was straying after that short a time. Sometimes people do marry the wrong person. Though not in mumsnet land, where any cheating should result in a lifetime of torment and poverty.
There would be no point in talking to her. It would be incredibly awkward for both of you. Enjoy your life.

This is strange, I wouldn’t want to be friends again with her OP. How can you be friends with a woman whose husband left her for you and who spent the last decade being angry at you both. If anything I would feel suspicious of her motives to be frank. I think you’ve handled it well there is nothing you can offer either of you that would be healthy.

So what parts of the internet are your responsibility to correct then? For the record.

Sure one conversation would be fine but the woman wants to be friends again. Wtf would you not find that odd? She either has really low self esteem or unhealthy motives. So I wouldn’t bring her back to my life except for one conversation max. Apologise 5 times if needed and move on.

OP, do you actually miss this friendship? It sounds like you were good mates for many years, before you blew up her marriage. If this woman is willing to forgive you and genuinely wants to reconnect, would you like to be friends with her once more? I haven't read the whole thread, but from what you say, it sounds like she wants to meet with good intentions, rather than scream abuse you for what happened in the past.

If you do miss her friendship, and would like her in your life again, why not just meet up with her for an hour (or half an hour), and see how things go?

Or would you find it too uncomfortable? Is it the case that seeing her would only stir up feelings of guilt and shame? If so, that's ok! But at least be honest about it. Don't say that you're refusing to meet with her for HER own benefit. Be honest, and acknowledge the issue is with you, not her.