AIBU for refusing to meet my husband’s ex to discuss the affair? It’s been over a decade now.

[Greeneham]

12 years ago I started sleeping with my friend’s husband it was casual I just thought it would fizzle out. About 9 months into us sleeping together, seeing each other, going on trips (he would tell her it was work trips abroad) he decided to leave her and try to see if we can have a relationship. We have since married and have a 5 year old boy and life’s moved on really.

Last week his ex wife messaged me and asked to meet up and talk. She told me she was still quite hurt and it’s something that has affected her a lot. I responded and told her I’m not sure if meeting is a good idea but I’m sorry for how things happened I accepted my part to play in the affair and I did tell her I’ve moved on I can’t keep apologising and she also doesn’t need to forgive me.

I don’t really see any value in meeting up. What I did was wrong and karma will probably get me for it at the same time I love my husband he makes me very happy we have a lovely son who makes us both very happy. I’d rather just move forward. 8 years isn’t a long marriage but it’s been the best 8 years of my life so far I’d rather just continue the life that we have. We both did a terrible thing I’m not excusing that but also it’s been over a decade now. I don’t want to meet up and talk things out.

The disgust is wearisome, though. And totally out of hand.

There's so much projection in your post.

What consequences do you deem appropriate?

Why do you keep asking the same question?

I think having to have an uncomfortable conversation with the person she hurt is a very minor and reasonable consequence and that there is no reason why OP should be defended/ shielded from that.

Then we disagree. And it's up to the OP to decide if she does or not. I think her pregnancy is a very good reason not to, frankly.

I think her pregnancy is a very good reason not to, frankly.

What's her pregnancy got to do with it?

How close was your friendship?
it’s perfectly possible that she misses your friendship more than she misses her marriage.
you sound petrified of an encounter and YOU can’t see a way forward.
is this your insecurity showing? Do you miss the friendship?
You have nothing to lose by meeting her, but might have much to gain.
If you were once friends maybe you could be again, are you afraid that all she wants is to hurt you?
Maybe she doesn’t. Maybe she misses you.
Do you miss your old friendship?

I agree! OP is a naughty little prankster getting everyone raged up!😂

So the purpose of the talk is to make OP feel bad? What if the talk leaves her happy and the ex just wants to clear the air and wish her well? That would be terrible!

OP I’ve just managed to catch up with your posts and see that you are pregnant. My strong advice would be not to engage. Don’t let the blame push you into doing something that you feel uncomfortable with. Dozens of strangers on the internet wanting you to repent for your sins is not worth your family’s peace or your well-being. Prioritise your children and yourself not a woman you once knew 11 years ago.

This is my BIG problem with therapy.

It can lead to true self - ishness.

Fair enough for people who have repair damage.

But in some cases, like this one, it can lead to forgiveness of self ( a good thing) but without contrition (a bad thing).

I believe we need to accept that we owe actual acts of contrition when we fuck up so monumentally.

In this case, if that means "reopening old wounds", or having to sit uncomfortably with an old friend whose life we destroyed, look into their eyes, and possibly see their forgiveness, then fucking "suck it up" as the Americans say!

And what do you achieve by doing that?

You are getting a hard time OP. Look, it happens. I’m happily married and never had an affair but bloody hell, life isn’t simple and some people fuck up. You’re owning it. The other thing is, you probably don’t regret it because your life is so happy now.

You are right not to meet up. Imagine that, meeting in a local cafe and she’s meeting her ex-friend who stole her husband and you waddle in six months pregnant. Fucking hell, that would really hurt.

If You do speak on the phone, you can level with her and tell her that. ‘Look there’s a few reasons I don’t want to meet face to face. Firstly I’m worried we’ll both come away feeling worse, and secondly, I’m pregnant. I’m sure your opinion of me is pretty shit already, but I would excel myself in the bitch stakes by rocking up pregnant with the husband I stole.

I'll never ask for your comment directed at me - horrible as it is - to be deleted.

You calling somebody sewage should stand there as a testament to who you are.

I am actually extremely grateful to be the recipient of those words, especially as it wasn't part of a back and forth mudslinging match but simply vitriol from you based on one comment I wrote expressing my opinion.

It's very rare that I feel I have done an act of Public Service 😜🤣

The woman’s first husband left her for her friend.
her second marriage fell apart recently, we don’t know why, might have been another affair.
She has no children, might have issues with that we don’t know if it’s by choice.
and suddenly she contacts the woman who contributed to the failure of her first marriage and looks at pictures of her kid, comments on them etc.
it’s just weird, none of that sounds healthy to be fair. She can be completely nice and have good intentions but I would be suspicious of her mental state tbf

Then all she needed to do was wish her well without all this arsing about wanting to go over an issue from 12 years ago.

My guess is that moving on, for the ex, involves forgiving the affair people.

That would be hard to take no?

Especially if, in the case of the op, she does not want it as she has already forgiven herself.

I wonder whose old wounds would be reopened?

Not at all. It is the former friend who has asked for the conversation.

I can see why there are all kinds of reasons that OP doesn't want to do that, but I cannot understand why so many posters are leaping to protect/ defend OP from the suggestion that she ought to face the very minor consequence of having an uncomfortable conversation with someone who was her friend and whom she caused so much hurt. It’s baffling to me.

That's such a hideous thing to say to someone.
Comments calling the OP a sociopath have been deleted but frown women throwing attacks like that at someone is so shocking

I think you should meet her. It might help her. She will have had trust issues after the betrayal and she might be working on this so it could be beneficial for her to see things from your perspective. You wanted to talk to her, she wasn’t ready but she is now.

No, I haven't forgiven my ex or the affair partner who I also knew. I'm just completely indifferent bar when I want nothing more to do with them.

The way you handle something might not be the way someone else handles something. That's ok. People are different. There isn't necessarily only one right way to heal.

I'm inclined to agree, but I'm making the point that that poster thinks OP should do this because she deserves to have a bad experience from it. So... what if it turns out to be a good one?

Why would it matter to them if they are forgiven.

Wanting to bring everything up after that long is pointless and risks making the ex look slightly unhinged.

She has the right to feel how she feels of course but she doesn’t have the right to expect others to indulge her.

Apologies, I misunderstood!

That is an excellent point!

Yes, I know the friend asked for the conversation!

You think OP should agree to it because she deserves to have the unpleasant experience. So... what if it's not actually unpleasant?

I don't think she should agree to it because she deserves to have an unpleasant experience.

I think she should agree to it because her friend has asked for it, and it's the very least the OP can do.

I don't think there is any justification at all for suggesting that OP must be protected from this because it might make her uncomfortable (poor OP she's pregnant and ready to move on and all that). Having to have a conversation one might not want to have because it's uncomfortable seems like a very minor consequence to suffer in the circumstances.