AIBU for refusing to meet my husband’s ex to discuss the affair? It’s been over a decade now.

[Greeneham]

12 years ago I started sleeping with my friend’s husband it was casual I just thought it would fizzle out. About 9 months into us sleeping together, seeing each other, going on trips (he would tell her it was work trips abroad) he decided to leave her and try to see if we can have a relationship. We have since married and have a 5 year old boy and life’s moved on really.

Last week his ex wife messaged me and asked to meet up and talk. She told me she was still quite hurt and it’s something that has affected her a lot. I responded and told her I’m not sure if meeting is a good idea but I’m sorry for how things happened I accepted my part to play in the affair and I did tell her I’ve moved on I can’t keep apologising and she also doesn’t need to forgive me.

I don’t really see any value in meeting up. What I did was wrong and karma will probably get me for it at the same time I love my husband he makes me very happy we have a lovely son who makes us both very happy. I’d rather just move forward. 8 years isn’t a long marriage but it’s been the best 8 years of my life so far I’d rather just continue the life that we have. We both did a terrible thing I’m not excusing that but also it’s been over a decade now. I don’t want to meet up and talk things out.

I agree and said so much earlier in the thread.

The OP has told us that the ex friend has been quite friendly in her messages and wants to be on "better terms" with her.

So do we really believe that ? Hmmmm.

It is really.
Lots of projection on this thread!

So the reason OP should agree isn't about making the ex feel better, it's about making OP feel worse?

What if the ex wants to bury the hatchet and be on good terms and it all makes OP feel better? Disaster.

Look Ive been cheated on. It broke my heart. He's married her and has kids.

I of all people know how it feels.

I don't want any vengeance or consequences for my ex because I am a grown adult who is capable of moving on with my own life. I don't want anything to do with the pair of them ever again.And her as well, because I knew her, and she knew about me.

What consequences do you deem appropriate? Why should she talk to this woman who has been incapable of moving on and quite clearly needs help.

Yes of course but I wasn't debating who's worse behaviour wise, just pointing out that it would be foolish for the two women to meet and discuss what happened

Except.. they have. They are hopeful the DH is cheating. One said she hoped the lady had dug her a grave.

It's all there!

@Greeneham - I think you have been very honest and self-aware throughout this thread, and whilst I do not condone what you did, I can see that you have worked on yourself and grown as a person, and that is good. I don't think it's wrong that you are happy now, or that you should somehow be 'punished' for the rest of your life for something you did a couple of decades ago.

I think offering a phone call is a good compromise, and I hope that it goes well for you both.

What you did was the ultimate betrayal. If you feel any sense of guilt for it, give the poor woman some closure as she’s clearly not over it.

None of us expect our close female friends to behave like you did. Have you heard of the sisterhood? It’s great that you are happy now but you still have some responsibility to face up to what you did and meet her. Woman to woman. The years don’t melt this away as her contacting you proves.

Saying you were a bad person is so easy. Showing you are a better person now by atoning for what you did and meeting her is the harder path.

Do the right thing and imagine for one moment you are her and have traded places.

Treat her as you’d want to be treated. Do as you would be done by.

Your Ex clearly has no compassion and for your sake I’m sure we all hope he does not break his vows again and seek casual easy sex.

I’m not sure why everyone hoping that I suffer or that she screams in my face. Her messages portrayed a very different emotion to what everyone on here or describing. I don’t think I need to insert screenshots of the messages I received but I don’t believe I’m interpreting words and phrases like “congratulations” “I’m happy for you” asking how old our son as and how cute he is and she misses me etc. maybe I’m interpreting it all wrong. The phone will help establish that.

And yours in all your posts and mine in all my posts. Give it a rest.

Your first post made me want to throttle you but your subsequent posts are reasonable. You're right that you can't live in the past and stay in repentance mode forever.

However, this isn't about you. It's about her and however little you want to see her, or however little value you believe there is in it for either of you - you owe her this. She didn't want to talk to you ten years ago. She does now. You were her friend and you fucked and then stole her husband. There's something she needs to say, or ask. Something she needs to be able to get past it.

And you owe her that. You don't have to know what to say. She'll do the talking. It'll be hideous. But if the conversation has never happened because she was too angry/upset - the conversation needs to be had from her perspective, not yours.

Meet her. Tell her you only have half an hour, and mean it - have somewhere else you need to be.

And don't you dare not update us... ;-)

That is twisted and insane. I stand by the 'noone sane' would ever want that.

However, while I would never want any harm to come to any children, I know of two kids who parents cheated and it did really affect them later in life. So, let's all hope it doesn't affect these kids, but it can.

I honestly don't see how the manner of their marriage starting would have a terrible effect on their children at all. There are people who think it's inevitable that OP and her husband can't be faithful to each other (they long for him to cheat, in fact, although not her) but that's obviously not true.

The way you have written the OP is just so blase and cold, wtf.
You didn't just shag another womans husband, you shagged the husband of a friend, just for shits and giggles by the sounds of it.
Who actually ruins a marriage and causes such betrayal for something they thought would fucking fizzle out?
Disgusting behaviour from you and him, his ex is better off without the pair of you.
I hope you keep a close eye on your friends around the prize you won 🙄

Not awful to say that the OP's actions sound sociopathic because they do:

Definition is right here: They often lack empathy, disregard social rules, and manipulate others.

You don't think that that applies here? Was the OP empathetic to her friend while sleeping with her husband. Did this uphold known social rules? Did she manipulate her friend and partner by lying to them.

Yes, she does sound sociopathic from her posts. Facts aren't awful.

Okay I'll tell you. Close friend was very affected by parents cheating and it affects their relationship now with trust. Another was a product of an affair and doesn't want anything to do with his parents as think they are morally bankrupt.

Hold up
I have to prove my 'mental health credentials' to say she doesn't sound like a sociopath but you can say she does without reprisal?

What the hell???

All cheaters aren't sociopaths. It's quite simple

Well I'm sorry to hear that but I'd bet my house that there's more to it than that. Most people do not forsake their own parents for life because their decades-long relationship overlapped with a short, childless marriage in the beginning.

I'm sure you'll tell me no, everything was absolutely wonderful apart from that... whatever. It's unusual.

If OP has a problem with a post she can ask to have it removed.

Don’t be so dramatic. Sociopathic? 🙄

It was 12 years ago - is she supposed to be punishing herself throughout all that time?

Do you know what led up to her sleeping with him? Because things are never as simple as people claim.

Don’t be ridiculous.

So once again you don't have the courtesy to address your hypocrisy.

OP doesn't sound like a sociopath. Hope that helps.

Ridiculous, isn’t it!

It’s another excuse to be used by people who have been cheated on to abdicate themselves of any responsibility for any situation.

I am amazed grown women do this.