AIBU for refusing to meet my husband’s ex to discuss the affair? It’s been over a decade now.

[Greeneham]

12 years ago I started sleeping with my friend’s husband it was casual I just thought it would fizzle out. About 9 months into us sleeping together, seeing each other, going on trips (he would tell her it was work trips abroad) he decided to leave her and try to see if we can have a relationship. We have since married and have a 5 year old boy and life’s moved on really.

Last week his ex wife messaged me and asked to meet up and talk. She told me she was still quite hurt and it’s something that has affected her a lot. I responded and told her I’m not sure if meeting is a good idea but I’m sorry for how things happened I accepted my part to play in the affair and I did tell her I’ve moved on I can’t keep apologising and she also doesn’t need to forgive me.

I don’t really see any value in meeting up. What I did was wrong and karma will probably get me for it at the same time I love my husband he makes me very happy we have a lovely son who makes us both very happy. I’d rather just move forward. 8 years isn’t a long marriage but it’s been the best 8 years of my life so far I’d rather just continue the life that we have. We both did a terrible thing I’m not excusing that but also it’s been over a decade now. I don’t want to meet up and talk things out.

Or the ex could be the ‘better’ person and move on after 12 years.

Seriously how ridiculous to want to speak to the OW all these years later about it.

If you never spoke to her how did you apologise? You owe it to her to look her in the eye and have that difficult conversation. You are not a typical other woman, you entered into a relationship with a friends husband. You do owe her this conversation and just because you don’t see any benefit does not mean she won’t. I agree that you still sound incredibly selfish.

*don’t really see any value in meeting up.

Not for you but she sees value in it. It's the least you can do. She was your friend.*
I'm not sure. She may think that's what she needs 12 years later, so will just rant at OP and tell her what a terrible person she is, but then OP will still go back to her husband and child. I doubt it will make her feel better. She needs to work on moving on herself.

All the triggered posters laying into OP thick are likely the same types of people that weaponise their DC against their ex. Putting their own pain and bitterness above the health and well being of their DC.

Yes we have! The OP literally posted it just now - she wants to be on "better terms" with the OP.

@Anarchy99 Seriously how ridiculous to want to speak to the OW all these years later about it.

It does seem a bit unusual after all this time.

That's why I said, upthread, that IMO something has happened/come to light that is very relevant now, to the situation.
I think OP should brace herself for some revelation she doesn't want to hear.

She can choose not to hear it.

That's true.

Eh?
Why would I need a qualification to say she doesn't sound like a sociopath from what she's written anymore than someone who says she does sound like one?

But funnily enough you haven't asked them that question have you?

But OP's never had to deal with any consequences. Her selfish choices caused huge pain to her friend, and years of happiness and fulfillment for OP. Conveniently for OP the friend just chose to walk away, and OP gladly accepted. Now 10 years down the line she is dealing with a very minor consequence - the prospect of an uncomfortable conversation with her former friend. And half of this thread is telling her she shouldn't have to face that. I'm really surprised.

Why fucking should she face consequences?

What punishment do you deem appropriate.

Yes
We have women HOPING that the DH is now cheating again. Hoping. Cos in their heads that would the OPs just desserts. Never mind the kids, that would be collateral damage and really the OP would be to blame for that wouldn't she?
Then we've got people fantasizing about her killing the OP.

At the end of the day he was your husband who was married to her...

No one forced him into having sex with you, no one forced him to break his marital vows ect. He could have any point said he wanted to separation and then being with you so I don't know why everyone thought with you you are the one that wasn't married he was.

The OP has told us that the ex friend has been quite friendly in her messages and wants to be on "better terms" with her.

Why do people keep persisting with the idea that she wants to rant at the OP & drag everything back up?
Why is the OP the only one here who is allowed to have grown up and moved on? Perhaps the ex friend has too??
Adults make peace with their past.

@WhyDontILearn Why would I need a qualification to say she doesn't sound like a sociopath

Because otherwise you're just spouting an uninformed half-baked opinion.

In my opinion, neither of you have repented. You didn't break off the affair and are still together. That said, if you were to break up now, it would not fix your friend's marriage or undo the hurt you caused.

You both made the decision to prioritise your own desires, even though this came at the cost of betraying a spouse/friend. Many other people would do the same in your shoes (and some have), but others never would. You feel that you've moved on, as you've built a happy life together and have a growing family. But it will have been much, much harder for your former friend to move on. She didn't choose any of this and she may still find it difficult to trust others.

I'm glad you've decided to offer her a phone call. You might not see how this could benefit her, but that's for her to decide. Also, you say you don't know what to say to her, but I expect she mainly wants you to listen. And of course she might have some questions for you.

Tbh, after 12 years or however long, I'd say that there being some massive new development that will shake the OP's world but she will never know about unless the ex tells her is the least likely outcome here.

Because they are desperately hoping that's what's happening so the OP suffers and they can see revenge.

It's shocking.

So you'll message the poster who said she sounded like one in the first place (which let's be frank is a much bigger deal than saying she doesn't) saying the same will you?
No?

Why should she have to face consequences? For the deception, betrayal, infidelity, disloyalty towards those close to her and the profound pain she caused them?

What punishment do I think is appropriate? I think an uncomfortable conversation with her former friend 10 years down the line is a very appropriate and minor consequences.

If she's of a similar age to you then it may well be that she has also moved on, the awful events of the past are also a little dulled to the point where she can look back on old photos of you together and feel sad to have lost that friendship as a standalone emotion, not tied up with how and why. But she hasn't quite moved past it yet and needs you to help her to do that.

Closure means different things to different people. She may just have things she needs to say, questions she needs to ask to fill in blanks that she has always lived with or that are stopping her from feeling 100% ok with what her new life looks like. Or she may just need to close the circle completely by having the last word and feel like she is back in control of her own life.

That doesn't mean she necessarily needs meet you to berate you and rehash everything.

Maybe she just needs to see you as a whole and flawed person who deeply hurt her but who still has the 'you' she was friends with underneath. You may have been built up in her mind as only the hideous ogre who stole her husband and her life and her future children with him and she needs to lay that one-dimensional feeling to rest for her own good.

Maybe she's done something similar and gets it now.

I don't think the lynching you are getting on here is helpful. You clearly do know exactly what you both did and are replying in that very even tone of acknowledgement that people are labelling as sociopathic but read to me as someone who has done a lot of work in therapy to admit, process, work through and learn from her mistakes.

This doesn't have to be the start of a new friendship or even a rekindling of the old. It could just be a simple way for both of you to look forward to your 40s and beyond without being solely defined by this.

Not RTFT, but it’s clearly fictional! No one could be so lacking in self awareness.

Honestly Op it sounds like you have done and said all that you can. I really hope that you can all find some peace. Eleven years is a long time. Carrying the burden of guilt for that amount of time serves no one and rehashing things isn't really going to help.