AIBU for refusing to meet my husband’s ex to discuss the affair? It’s been over a decade now.

[Greeneham]

12 years ago I started sleeping with my friend’s husband it was casual I just thought it would fizzle out. About 9 months into us sleeping together, seeing each other, going on trips (he would tell her it was work trips abroad) he decided to leave her and try to see if we can have a relationship. We have since married and have a 5 year old boy and life’s moved on really.

Last week his ex wife messaged me and asked to meet up and talk. She told me she was still quite hurt and it’s something that has affected her a lot. I responded and told her I’m not sure if meeting is a good idea but I’m sorry for how things happened I accepted my part to play in the affair and I did tell her I’ve moved on I can’t keep apologising and she also doesn’t need to forgive me.

I don’t really see any value in meeting up. What I did was wrong and karma will probably get me for it at the same time I love my husband he makes me very happy we have a lovely son who makes us both very happy. I’d rather just move forward. 8 years isn’t a long marriage but it’s been the best 8 years of my life so far I’d rather just continue the life that we have. We both did a terrible thing I’m not excusing that but also it’s been over a decade now. I don’t want to meet up and talk things out.

"Lexingtonavenueandme · Today 11:55
People can be left with massive betrayal trauma, cptsd, flashbacks, constant looping in their brains of past events that didn’t add up, the why of it all. The fact she left the country is very telling … it must have been incredibly painful for her. Unless you’ve experienced severe betrayal you really just don’t know. You’ve moved on OP because you didn’t lose anything. You don’t have trauma or cognitive dissonance … you know what happened behind the scenes and the why of it all … it’s easy to move on when you got the outcome you wanted .. of course you can move on. I’m not judging you.. but I think you need to sit with the realisation that your actions and his have severely damaged someone. Severely. Possibly permanently. You’re not carrying the consequences, she is. Do I think meeting her will help her.. probably not .. do I think you owe it to her for her to find that out for herself … yes.. you do owe her that. It’s not nice to leave someone broken on the ground and just never look back. Yes you can’t apologise every day or live with guilt every day… what’s the point. But you can give her what she’s asking for now, she deserves that."

I've posted already but @Lexingtonavenueandme has nailed it. I think it's this. It may help this woman to move on; it may not. But that's for her to judge, not you.

You have built your life and family - that is (or should be) unassailable and of course you are allowed to do what you feel is necessary to protect them. I have friends who have had affairs and built long-lasting relationships and families with their affair partners so I do understand that things can start very messily and grow into something strong; for me, it's the fact that you started a casual affair that seems so callous and shocking. But it became something serious and you have built a marriage and a family around it. We all do wrong and bad things; we are allowed to move on from them.

As I said upthread, I think the brave and generous thing would be for you to have this conversation with her - either over the phone or in a public place. You obviously were important to her and obviously have some significant qualities if she can still miss you after what happened. However, you have said nothing which suggests you have the necessary courage, generosity or insight to have this conversation with her and in the circumstances it is not unreasonable of you to decide you can't do it.

Another crime by the OP that’s obviously deeply impacting you.

You made a comment about someone being awful then someone else said you were also awful.

Much time has passed. You are happily married with one DC and another on the way. You apologised to the ex at the time. You also offered to meet her previously but she declared, understandably, that she never wanted to see you again. You've atoned as much as possible for what you and ex's then DH did.

Your DH chose not to meet up with her when she requested a meeting with him some years after their divorce. Which choice (the efusal to meet) the ex accepted at the time - and I'm presuming she has not asked him again since.

IMO, you would be wise to do the same. Nothing good can come of digging up this sad episode. It's not that I don't feel sorry and sad for her; I do. But the ex cannot hold her (legitimate) grievance over your head and demand a meeting whenever she feels like it in perpetuity. One meeting might not satisfy her. You don't know why she wants this meeting after all these years, nor what she might do. You don't owe her this, despite what others might believe.

Perhaps (speculation) she has taken until now to come to terms with her pain and loss. In that scenario, if she were asking her husband to meet up for a as a way to obtain closure, it might make a bit more sense. He was, after all, the person who exchanged vows with her. Requesting to meet with YOU after all these years feels wrong.

Perhaps your husband could actively support your decision not to meet her by explaining to her by text that neither of you will be meeting her as you both feel no good can come of it for anyone. Just as he already explained to her all those years ago that there was no good in raking over what was an absolutely awful episode. Best for everyone to move on.

That what i'm asking. I'm not sure what I've done that's awful - not passing round matches?

This is a bitter pill for those out with pitchforks to swallow - they wont get their day. Not necessarily.

Plenty of happy long term relationships arise out of cheating. I've had it happen to me. Treated me appallingly, cheated on me lied to me married her - she knew about me and 10 years later they still together as far as I know and have children.

Now, I had a choice. I could go down a rabbit hole is misery and wishing ill upon him and her. Or not. I chose not. Chose to move on and live my life and they could do the same.

They won't be ostracised.They won't be rejected.They won't suffer badly, until the end of days and one of them might not necessarily cheat.

It's actually quite deeply disturbing to read grown women literally chomping at a bit for these two strangers to end up in some kind of purgatory until the end of their lives. It won't happen.

Families accept the situation too even where cheating is involved.

It actually reflects more badly upon the friend that this apparently happened when she was 28, and now she's 40 she hasn't moved on from it

Honestly, you all sound like a pack of schoolchildren. Why dont you just grow up.

Except @WhyDontILearn has said nothing awful. So it makes no sense.

Are you pro cheating?

I'm really sorry for what happened to you.
It is difficult to accept that people do stuff and get away with it.
I was sexually abused aged 7. Nothing came of it. I've no idea if they are a drug addict consumed by guilt or living in a palace somewhere. Frankly it makes no difference to me either way.
I chose to get therapy. I chose to move on from it.

Life is unfair sometimes. People do shit things. But you can either to choose to live your life consumed by bitterness exemplified by some on this thread or u choose to move on. And that's on each of us.

@WhyDontILearn "OP doesn't sound sociopathic in anyway."

Even if you are a Mental Health Professional you aren't in a position to judge from a forum.

"A sociopath is someone who displays manipulative behavior, a lack of empathy, and impulsiveness—key traits associated with a severe form of antisocial personality disorder (ASPD). Sociopaths do not have a fully functional conscience and tend to be manipulative, exploitative, or even abusive toward other people. Recognizing sociopathic tendencies, such as superficial charm, emotional detachment, and a disregard for social norms, can help identify individuals with this personality type."

• Johnson, S. A. (2019). Understanding the violent personality: Antisocial personality disorder, psychopathy, & sociopathy explored. Forensic Research & Criminology International Journal, 7(2), 76-88.

I agree. It’s a myth that prevents people having to look at their own lives and take responsibility.

?

What the fuck?
No.
I'm just not pro witch burning.

Some of you haven't grown up. At all.

I didn't say she wasn't. I said she didn't sound it.

God's sake.

Maybe people's quotes got muddled up at some point? This sort of discussion is always going to have different viewpoints as everyone has different values about magonamy

if you were not pregnant, do you think you would feel any differently about meeting up? It would be understandable if this was impacting your judgment.

I do think perhaps if I were in your shoes, I would try putting all my feelings to one side and do as she asks, this one time. Perhaps she feels meeting up will help her in some way. Perhaps she wants to forgive you and needs to do so face to face. Perhaps she wants to spell out to you the impact your actions have had on her. It might help her to heal (don’t mean to sound trite).

I’m not sure a phone call cuts it - there’s no eye contact, body language, facial expressions and soon.

Maybe do this one last thing for her?

But no one has said cheating is ok. That's the issue here.

What people are objecting to is the unhinged bitterness - including saying they hope the lady murders her.

It was just a question!! Some people are you know!! And yes i have still lots of learning to do as we all do.

I never said it was a "crime."

Agree should move on and it was wrong but long time ago.

However if you want to be a better person let her say what she needs to so hopefully she can put it behind her too.

Well yeah that's insane!

Agreed.

On a parenting site - if your son or daughter, was the OP or her husband and you knew the circumstances in which their relationship arose in their late twenties what would you do?

Never speak to them again and wish ill on them for the rest of their lives.Or would you support your child in their relationship, get over how it started and be a full and active part of your grandchildren's lives?

I would bet every penny I have, it would be the latter.

It's frankly, pathetic to say that a woman's life has been ruined since her late twenties. High time she moved on.

After twelve years? Nah, there comes a point where an adult has to take responsibility for how they feel and not continue to play the victim. It was cheating, no more and no less, it wasn’t a crime and most people are capable of moving on.

@WhyDontILearn I didn't say she wasn't. I said she didn't sound it.

And you can determine that from a forum ?

And your qualification Mental Health is ....?

You’re not a coward OP. You don’t need to be brave. You don’t need to atone for your ‘sins’. There is no cosmic scorecard.

You owe this woman nothing. The judgement on this thread is vile. For something you did in your 20’s. That wasn’t a crime.