AIBU for refusing to meet my husband’s ex to discuss the affair? It’s been over a decade now.

[Greeneham]

12 years ago I started sleeping with my friend’s husband it was casual I just thought it would fizzle out. About 9 months into us sleeping together, seeing each other, going on trips (he would tell her it was work trips abroad) he decided to leave her and try to see if we can have a relationship. We have since married and have a 5 year old boy and life’s moved on really.

Last week his ex wife messaged me and asked to meet up and talk. She told me she was still quite hurt and it’s something that has affected her a lot. I responded and told her I’m not sure if meeting is a good idea but I’m sorry for how things happened I accepted my part to play in the affair and I did tell her I’ve moved on I can’t keep apologising and she also doesn’t need to forgive me.

I don’t really see any value in meeting up. What I did was wrong and karma will probably get me for it at the same time I love my husband he makes me very happy we have a lovely son who makes us both very happy. I’d rather just move forward. 8 years isn’t a long marriage but it’s been the best 8 years of my life so far I’d rather just continue the life that we have. We both did a terrible thing I’m not excusing that but also it’s been over a decade now. I don’t want to meet up and talk things out.

I’m going to sound absolutely nuts here but please just indulge me. I wanted to say this when I saw this thread last night but didn’t. Firstly, I thought people would think I was saying it cruelly when I truly mean it genuinely. But more importantly I didn’t want to speak anything into being. But now OP has said it anyway so I’m going to say it - please please please ask MN to remove what you put about your children dying. I was already saying a little prayer for your child (didn’t know you were pregnant) last night as I was already nervous about your child due to the circumstances of their conception. Please don’t make it worse and speak such things into the world. I am aware I sound nuts, I really am, but your child and unborn child are innocent and imo need spiritual protection so I feel duty bound to say this. Don’t say such things about them dying. I promise I’m not mental, I’m just from a very superstitious culture

Anyway…

I will be completely honest OP if you had worked on yourself as you claim, you’d see that having an uncomfortable conversation is the least you and your husband can do for this woman. I am pleased you’re going to do it over the phone though, I wouldn’t advise you go to meet her.

“Fundraise or something”

🤣

"Better terms" doesn't necessarily mean a friendship though does it? It means just that "better terms" so if you ever happen across each other at a mutual friends it won't be weird & awkward.

I think the problem with this thread is that everyone has got too involved and been too OTT about why your ex friend wants to meet up.

She's been quite friendly and nice in her communications with you it seems and she is also older now too so maybe, just maybe, she wants to clear the air and simply be on better terms with you?

How can you possibly know whether it will make her feel better or not?
Have you been in exactly the same position?
You cannot speak to someone else's feelings, you are telling yourself that because you don't want to speak to her, try to be a bit more honest.

Why?
This is an open forum and people are allowed to have their say (providing they adhere to MN Talk Guidelines)
If you don't like it, maybe you should do some introspection ?

Or course they are.
They can show themselves to be as awful as they like.

The absolute irony of them using a gif all about nice thoughts and saying and doing good things.

And they are taking the opportunity and likely patting themselves on the back.

So twisted

"People in glass houses"....🙄

And how do you feel about that?

There won’t be a friendship, but would you feel better to know you had a call and everything has been left in the past, and you can be on better terms? Maybe that would help you forgive yourself.

Do you actually know what that means?

I think she wants to have a go at you and say awful things to you and I think you should let her.

I wouldn't respond. You're not friends now, and presumably weren't really friends then anyway if you ended up marrying her husband.

Also, 12 years is a long time. Were they married that long in the first place?

Literally... what?

Married for just under 2 years

Why ?
If you don't like what she posts maybe you should ask yourself "why?" it bothers you enough to comment on it?

Yes, do you ?

It doesn't appear that that's what she wants.

I'm really sorry for what you've been through.

But those situations are obviously not the same.

OP doesn't sound sociopathic in anyway.

Let's face it, none of us knows what she wants, because we haven't been told.

Because is deeply unpleasant. That's why.

Hence me saying appearing.

And I agree. Which is why I think the OP should leave well alone.

For what it’s worth I am sorry you’ve had to go through that