AIBU for refusing to meet my husband’s ex to discuss the affair? It’s been over a decade now.

[Greeneham]

12 years ago I started sleeping with my friend’s husband it was casual I just thought it would fizzle out. About 9 months into us sleeping together, seeing each other, going on trips (he would tell her it was work trips abroad) he decided to leave her and try to see if we can have a relationship. We have since married and have a 5 year old boy and life’s moved on really.

Last week his ex wife messaged me and asked to meet up and talk. She told me she was still quite hurt and it’s something that has affected her a lot. I responded and told her I’m not sure if meeting is a good idea but I’m sorry for how things happened I accepted my part to play in the affair and I did tell her I’ve moved on I can’t keep apologising and she also doesn’t need to forgive me.

I don’t really see any value in meeting up. What I did was wrong and karma will probably get me for it at the same time I love my husband he makes me very happy we have a lovely son who makes us both very happy. I’d rather just move forward. 8 years isn’t a long marriage but it’s been the best 8 years of my life so far I’d rather just continue the life that we have. We both did a terrible thing I’m not excusing that but also it’s been over a decade now. I don’t want to meet up and talk things out.

Now I’m worried that she’s obsessed with you.

beware

Big difference between hoping her DH cheats on her and a baby dies!

I don't think that the OP deserves any happiness.
She casually shags her friend's husband.
Her friend. Not even got the excuse of being in love. Not even got the excuse that the wife is a stranger to her.

That's not a good person.
That's not somebody I think deserves happiness.
Why would I?

Obviously don’t agree with what you did but doesn’t look like you are looking for it.
I do agree about not meeting up though. There is no children so you are not tied to each other in any way. Life has moved forward, no need to go back. I wouldn’t do it

Wow. Fuck me that's mental!!!

Normally part of me would be curious to meet, to see if there was a behaviour pattern etc that I could overlay onto the existing relationship and test the likelihood he's doing the same again. However as you were the OW you will be well versed in the behaviour/excuses used to conceal it the first time round.

I wouldn't meet as I don't think it will give her the closure she needs and I don't think it will benefit your relationship now.

It’s unhinged to wish anything harmful on this complete stranger based on a story she has shared.

Thank heavens you are not in any position to decide who is allowed happiness in life.

Well she has moved on. But she hasn’t taken accountability and it would help the person she’s wronged. And she really doesn’t sound like someone who’s worn a hair shirt from the way she’s airily discussing it. I can only tell from what she says and the way people tend to present themselves in a good light speaks volumes about how she really is.

What you’re suggesting doesn’t fit with any of the evidence of how people who have been wronged heal. But it may make the person who’s committed the harm feel like it wasn’t that bad really.

If you’ve put a bomb in someone’s life it doesn’t seem that big a deal spending an hour atoning for it. It may even make the OP feel better you never know.

The OP asked, I’m not forcing my opinions on her.

I think somebody shoukd burn the witch 😂

You've got plenty of volunteers on this thread with their matches ready!

What do people mean 'take responsibility'? The OP took responsibility at the time. How long is she meant to take responsibility for? Eternally?

As for the deep unresolved hurt, how long does that go on for? In to the ex's second marriage? Is the OP meant to take responsibility for that as well? When does she stop being responsible? The woman was her friend, not her child.

People are acting as if she blighted this woman's entire life. I don't see how that's possible. There was a betrayal. OK. An emotional injury. However, like all injuries, it can heal, but only providing the person takes care of their injury. If someone gets hit by a car, who's responsibility is their recovery? The drivers?

People say that to make themselves or their friends feel better about being cheated on. It is easier to convince yourself that the other person is inherently bad and that they will cheat on anyone they get with - that way they can tell themselves they are 100% the victim.

Yes, some people are serial cheats for the sake of it but others genuinely meet someone special and stay together happily for the rest of their lives.

Like in every situation with relationships, they aren’t as black and white as people like to believe.

And before I get flamed, I have never cheated on any partner and I’m single so I have no skin in the game.

My ex partner cheated on his first wife - not with me I didn't even know him and would never have knowing he was married.

He cheated on me last year got with the woman. And now has cheated on her.

Your husband is probably cheating on you and the ex wife has information. After some years my ex partners first wife contacted me to warn me that he was a cheating loser... although it was too late as I had two babies with him

It's a tricky one OP. I think it's likely that you are right, that neither of you will gain much or anything from speaking again.

But it is also true that you should put her needs and wishes first for once, and she wants to meet up. I imagine she has questions, rather than 'info'. Getting to ask these questions may actually help her. Maybe.

Yes you can't spend your life apologising but you will never be done apologising to her. If you do meet her, prepare to eat more humble pie.

You could write back stating your skepticism very clearly, and offer to meet in a public place. Or you could write an apologetic but firm 'no'.

She still feels humiliated, try not to make that worse. That's your main responsibility here, I think.

Ok.

And? What's OP expected to do with this information from an online stranger who wants her husband to shag the ex wife he already cheated on?

I disagree with your interpretation of how she is writing. It is very clear to me that she has taken accountability.

And it's ok for a pregnant woman to protect herself if she decides not to do as this woman asks. At some point it's ok for her to say 'no'.

She cannot spend the rest of her life beholden to what this lady wants from her. That's not healthy for either of them.

OP - just ignore. If she’s still wanting answers all these years later, then she needs professional help. Whatever you told her won’t be enough.

There comes a point where people have to put their big girl pants on and get on with their lives - you aren’t responsible for her inability to move on.

I'm sorry for what you've been through.

But don't project your situation onto OPs.

You keep saying you are not proud of yourself and that you have had therapy but you still won’t take accountability by talking to her. So what was all the therapy for?

Truly moving on for all of you can only happen after the truths have all been heard. She may also hear things from you which upset her a lot, but she is willing to take the risk so that she can actually move on.

But having taken her husband, and taken her happy ending, at least don’t take away her opportunity to move on.

I don't think you're being unreasonable not to meet her.

In general I would think that if I'd harmed someone and they asked me for something then I would push past my own discomfort and do it on the basis that if they think it might help then I'll give it a go. Lots of people on here seem to be suggesting that there's no way it will do any good for the former friend; I don't think that anyone except her can know that.

But you don't know her motivations for wanting to meet. You suspect that she would like to rekindle the friendship, other people are guessing that she wants to talk about what happened before, others think she has ill will towards your relationship.

If you haven't been in contact with her for a long time then you don't know what her life has been like and how she's changed over the years. On the other side of another marriage, she may feel she has enough distance to want to talk about things or to have let go of what happened and want you back in her life. But it's also possible that resentment over what happened eventually destroyed her second marriage and she is angry all over again. You just don't know.

Offering a phone call sounds like a good compromise.

OP owes this woman nothing. And certainly not after this amount of time.

Being hurt by someone’s actions doesn’t entitle you to hold it over them for the rest of their life.

Everyone makes mistakes and I bet if we dissected your life we would find plenty of instances of poor behaviour we could use to beat you with.

You're clearly one of those self stylised 'blunt, says it how it is' people that takes pride in being rude to others and lacks social skills. Not the type of person people want to be around and certainly not someone you would say is a good person either.

She isn't taking anything away from this lady. She is not responsible for this woman for the rest of her life.

This is fucking madness.

I can't believe people think you are being unreasonable. This happened a decade ago and things have moved on. You acknowledge what you did was wrong and hopefully your DH acknowledged that too at the time. Their divorce is over. Making a mistake doesn't mean you can't move on putting it behind you. My first DH cheated on me with the wife of one of his friends. That was over 23 years ago. I have not thought about it for over 20 years. It happened, I was very upset at the time but worked on getting over it and moving on. It sounds like his ex is the one needing counselling. She needs to draw a line under it and get on with her life. I could understand her view a bit more if your DH neglected contact or financial support for any DC they share.

I don't care what she does with it.
I believe that some things are beneath contempt.
She decided to ask a bunch if strangers what they thought on the facts she provided. They've done so.