AIBU for refusing to meet my husband’s ex to discuss the affair? It’s been over a decade now.

[Greeneham]

12 years ago I started sleeping with my friend’s husband it was casual I just thought it would fizzle out. About 9 months into us sleeping together, seeing each other, going on trips (he would tell her it was work trips abroad) he decided to leave her and try to see if we can have a relationship. We have since married and have a 5 year old boy and life’s moved on really.

Last week his ex wife messaged me and asked to meet up and talk. She told me she was still quite hurt and it’s something that has affected her a lot. I responded and told her I’m not sure if meeting is a good idea but I’m sorry for how things happened I accepted my part to play in the affair and I did tell her I’ve moved on I can’t keep apologising and she also doesn’t need to forgive me.

I don’t really see any value in meeting up. What I did was wrong and karma will probably get me for it at the same time I love my husband he makes me very happy we have a lovely son who makes us both very happy. I’d rather just move forward. 8 years isn’t a long marriage but it’s been the best 8 years of my life so far I’d rather just continue the life that we have. We both did a terrible thing I’m not excusing that but also it’s been over a decade now. I don’t want to meet up and talk things out.

"Taken her husband..." She caught the poor unsuspecting man up in a net and carried him away, did she? Like scrumping apples?

This is one of the darkest, most horrible threads I've ever read on Mumsnet and it's nothing to do with the OP.

No she hasn’t. Not to the person she wronged. And unsurprisingly I disagree with your interpretation. How you could say she’s felt accountability when she airily says that she just found herself having an affair and thought it would fizzle out I don’t know. We just have very different values clearly.

And how she should at some point say ‘no’ as if she’s constantly submitted to the ex-wife’s demands is crazy when she hasn’t at all. She hasn’t been beholden to her in the slightest. She is just refusing to do the one thing the woman has asked of her.

Anyway I’ve said my bit. I’m not going to keep arguing with you as we’ll go round in circles and your points are just opinions not based on actual evidence. And I’m sure your validation will make the OP feel perfectly fine about letting her ex friend down yet again,

Well she can also decide what each person's beliefs are worth, based on how they show themselves.

It’s never as simple as people make out 🤷‍♀️ The woman needs to get on with her life, it’s been 12 years.

Things are never as simple as they seem.

How long was she married before your now husband cheated on his then wife with his wife's then friend. If it was around the 7 years then you're in the danger zone now so I would concentrate on your marriage. Do you have any friends that socialise with you and your husband or visit when you are at work? Maybe she has some advice. Having an affair and betraying a friend because you think it would just fizzle out is pretty low, but at least you are owning it, in a way.
I agree there is no point in meeting. Just don't do it. She can't force you.

Unorthodox view but I don’t feel responsible for my actions for the rest of my life and I don’t feel as though I have to keep paying for it. Like you all say karma will get me or he’ll cheat or he’s apparently cheating etc for me karma would be losing my son and my unborn baby that’s karma that’s when I’ll know I’ve paid for my “sins” I guess since I still have my son I haven’t paid for them yet. Everyone’s consequences are different and affect them differently. I have taken responsibility but Im 6 months pregnant there’s a limit there. It’s not exactly the best timing. She seems as though she wants to rekindle from the looks of it I can only interpret the messages but some are saying she’s got a big secret to tell me well maybe she’ll tell me over the phone call but as I’ve said the only thing that really matters to my are the safety of my children and my son being happy healthy boy that’s all really for me. It’s been 11 years I cannot spend my life with this being held over my head forever.

I'm usually all for letting bygones be bygones and putting the past behind you but I can't help feeling in this case that what happened was probably too hurtful to rake up again. I think a friend secretly sleeping with your partner is the most horrific betrayal, because two of the people in your life that you loved and thought you could trust are suddenly pulled from your life in the most shocking and hurtful way. She sounds like she's missing your previous friendship, but that friendship no longer exists. She will see that when she meets you and it may reopen old wounds for her, though she may not realise that right now. My advice would be to close it from your side with a message along the lines if you're sorry that you never considered at the time how much you were hurting her and that you wish her well in her life and hope she has built a life with people around her who care for her. But also that you feel it might be better all round not to meet up.
It doesn't feel like any good can come of a meeting.

Ah, no actual sense.

As opposed to no sense? I always accept the logical of posters who think adding “actual” to a sentence makes it mean more.

Awful isn't it. The bloodlust is shocking

What is this absolute rubbish?

Taking accountability DOES NOT mean making yourself available to someone at whatever time they choose for whatever purpose they have in mind. This is the demand of a narc. At the point any refusal is met with a statement like 'well what was all the therapy for then' (when the person literally has no idea what all the therapy was for), this just plain manipulation / gaslighting.

There's no way on god's green earth I would put myself in a position to deal with someone like this, especially if I was pregnant. As it goes, there's also no way I'd contact a pregnant woman out of the blue after 10 years and put her in this position.

I really don't understand some of these comments.

Thank you for accepting my logical.

I agree with this - I think she thinks it’s something she needs but will actually make it worse. I’m not a great believer in raking over old muck to be honest - I think you will both end up feeling bad . You know you were a shit, she knows you were a shit - what’s to gain positively?

It is pretty standard, if you want to know the truth.

I hope it's just internet bravado and fantasy, but recently I've seen people say they'd leave someone to die in a burning building if they knew this person had ever cheated on anyone in their lives, or that they'd hit their husband's AP with their car if they could. An OW started a thread and some loon claimed to be setting their shadowy friends on her to find her in real life. I don't think the OP had anything to fear but who the fuck says stuff like that? And if you're going to try hunt someone down, why not one of the abusive men we hear about umpteen hundred times a day?

Can you make your profiles private. It sounds a bit like his ex is monitoring and almost stalking your life. She's fixated on you.

They have indeed. And goodness me haven't they shown a lot about themselves in doing so. Obviously you'll tell me you don't care and thats really no skin off my nose. But if you don't care what people think of you then it's a bit ironic that you're trying to make the OP feel shit.

This thread is nuts. You didn’t murder anyone! You made a bad choice in your 20’s with far reaching consequences at the time. It sounds like you’ve taken responsibility already. You’re not a bad/disgusting/abhorrent person. You made a bad choice. The judgement here is off the charts. Humans make mistakes, people get hurt. It doesn’t and shouldn’t define you.

You've moved on. You don’t owe her anything. A friendship would be odd. I wouldn’t be dissecting it all again. Life moves on, for all involved.

I wouldn’t meet her, or call. I agree with you that it’s all been said and for you there’s little to gain.

Good luck with baby number 2 OP; I wish you every happiness.

Oh and once a cheater always a cheater is utter rubbish 🙄

How do you know the ex wife knows the OP is pregnant? She may not be aware.

I think you should meet up and give her the closure she so obviously needs, and quite frankly, that's the least you could do OP.

Maybe I was blasé about how the affair started I’m not going to post pages and pages and pages explain it in detail. Me saying it was casual is me saying that the affair just started as sex nothing more maybe that makes it worse but it’s been 12 years since. We have a child and another on the way they both deserve to be happy to be happy my husband loves our son more than anything that I know and maybe he’s cheating on me I guess I’ll soon find out since that’s the news she has for me.

Children don’t deserve to pay for their parents behaviour they’re innocent in all of this.

Taking accountability means different things to different people no one knows me to what I’ve done the last 11 years. I just don’t think someone needs the whole trajectory of their life dictated by a mistake they made in their 20s I didn’t murder anyone it’s not a crime. I hurt someone more than one person I hurt my ex too we’ve since talked about it and he’s happy in his life has children I’ve bumped into him a few times even with my son, we say hello there’s no animosity there and he’s not expecting me to suffer for what I did. At least that’s not the vibe I’ve gotten from our interactions.

I feel sorry for her that she’s not been able to move on from this and it isn’t just a distant memory. But an affair isn’t a crime it happens every day and they didn’t have children. You all must have been fairly young and it was probably best for both of them that your DH ripped the plaster off their marriage back then rather than stick it out and not be happy .
I think a text saying you are really sorry for what happened and you wish her the very best for the future but don’t want to go over it again is ok. Unless you feel you can have a chat over the phone to help her find closure? Again it’s really sad that this is still a big thing for her. I suppose being betrayed by a friend ( if you were close friends) is almost worse than by her DH.

She may not be. But OP knows she is and maybe wants to consider that.
If she met her and the lady doesn't know - surely that would be horrific for the lady?

You tried to talk to her when it was all incredibly painful and raw so of course she wouldn't want to talk to you then, come on have some sense!

You aren't sure what there is to say, but it's not about YOU. She wants to say something, so turn up, shut up and you sit there and you let her say it.

It sounds like it's a one off and she's finally ready for closure (there's no time limit for getting over a betrayal like that) so don't worry she won't make you turn up for yearly repenting sessions!

No. But morally the lowest of the low.

You both did a bad thing, but you know that. Years have passed.
In the same situation I wouldn't meet up with her.